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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  The Plastic Factory Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 18th, 2016, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Plastic Factory by Eric Dickson - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Grizzled combat veteran Whitlock and computer hacker Munz are ordered to locate and shut down an army of military droids programmed as experts in guerilla warfare. 88 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Eric,

the title of your SF is quite strong, hooked me to read some and I had it on my radar for days now.

The logline isn't bad, I just miss a bit orientation, a time reference could help. Also, you could explain how the world looks like and what's exactly the deal about those guerilla robots within.

There must be more definite information… definitely.

All right.

First scene: You succeed to deliver complicated stuff very well. It's very good and easy to follow.

I just didn't completely get Whitlock's and Munz' exact position. Are they standing next to the hummer while checking the laptop which sits on the roof? I guess so, but I just thought that those vehicles are almost 80 inches in height so… it felt a bit odd. What they talk and how their devices work is fine – perhaps there's just a better situation to let the scene play off, instead of having their tools on the roof as is. Maybe just place it on the hood f.i..

Whatever, it's a great opening scene. Really. It gets me into the mood of a robot hunt and I like to go on the ride to see what happens next.

MATCH CUT – not your deal;
sell the script, not the film
imo it's just risky because a potential producer/agent may want to be sure you know your position and don't mix it up.

GRANDPA'S POV – DUTCH ANGLE

Same here. You don't even need the POV. "Soldier comes with a syringe" is all I need to know storywise. From which perspective it's shown is not of interest in such minor story beat.

It's intriguing so far, so don't hurt the flow with technical interventions.

Oh wow, on same page (7), there's a good example when P.O.V. is correct and right choice.

WHITLOCK POV – BINOCULARS

This is the moment when a usage is 100% justified.

Another little thing: Perhaps you may think how you could achieve it that we only need to listen to as few numbers as possible. Those massive codes give not much to a reader/viewer, so you could try to get it across quicker, differently. Even code words would be better than those long numbers.

CONT'D - not needed. I'm fully aware what's happening. It has no impact other than saying I, the reader, am not aware (wrong), or/and that you yourself, the writer, is insecure if your delivery of the story is strong enough to keep my attention. I know many campaign for cont'd in dialogues. With regards to your strong abilities, you should change the side now and realize that a reader will definitely recognize a person continues to speak if truly interested in your material, and the only other existing possibility, when (s)he can't follow, is that your story can't hold stand itself (which is a completely other kind of problem I believe)–- so get rid of it. Just think for a second about the psychological side I explain above. Cont'd is only needed at page breaks when dialogue is interrupted MORE/CONT'D; even there it's more of a polite gesture to say you respect the reader may grab his cup coffee at that point and quickly remind where we left.

P10 "slides like Pete Rose" – nope, I'm in The Plastic Factory, nowhere else go my thoughts.

p13 "Beat." Sorry don't like a beat in descriptions.

Your sidetracks and decisions hurt the strength of the story.

Okay, you got some fine explanations and relaxing moments with bringing in Loughlin and the money-angle conference about robotic-military.

Most times I do not read much content of a new user that I don't know. Here, I read to page 20 because this is done very well for my taste.

In case of the script, I'd try to get some technical wording across quicker and more direct. It should flow as easy as possible. There's too much looking on a laptop screen, too many words and codes, moving the story forward to slow.

Just cut a lot of those terms to help rhythm and storyline, which I like pretty much.
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In general, I'm not so sure where it's going. As said in case of the logline before, the world is not clear to me, the society, when, where. Now anything could happen: Like dragging the story to NYC or around the globe. Yet, we saw a single scenario of two robot hunters and then a "sales event", which is delivered pretty strong, except that the technical robot-tools stuff is a bit too wordy and dragging.

This may also be the problems in case that I don't fully understood why the cabin was accidentally attacked. I'm sure it somewhere lies between those many other terms.
Bring the important to light and get rid of quantity.

Hopefully, you don't see my notes on little formatting things as too harsh. I try to point out that it hurts your story. It does. I have no doubt from my sight.

Your story itself is very strong. That's your only perspective.

I'd probably show up again and read more when I get to know you and you become an active member who participates on the board.

So far, the quality of your work alone is welcome. Title alone shows you know what's going on. You got a nice clear first sequence, good characters. Some little faults are easy to spot and can be reworked soon.

Very good, Eric.

Best regards



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ericdickson
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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I appreciate your careful notes.  Yeah, I read over this today and got a pretty good headache with all the tech jargon and constant screen direction.  I agree that there's two many codes and numbers flying around and takes you out of the action.

I think I'll change Plastic 88 and 89 to Eighty Eight and Eighty Nine in the action and descriptions.  Lots of key info in here like the Department of Justice DOD numbers and security codes.  We'll see if I get a bite from this producer and I'll start a more careful rewrite.  This is my fifth feature script within the last four months.   Kind of burned out at this point but really going after the craigslist and mandy ads like a man gone wild.  
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