Demonexus by Richard Russell - Short, Comedy - A hungry demon runs into a victim who knows something about the rules. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Richard,

Interesting story. Caught me right at the first page. The idea of the apps I thought was very funny and was well incorporated into the story. I really liked Beth, she's quick, smart. My only comment would be maybe try and add more comedy into the dialogue? It seems like majority of it is demon talk, demon rules etc. I could maybe see Carl commenting on the fact she's in a towel or something, and Beth snapping back regarding his appearance or something. I think this could be funnier.

I think filming-wise, it could be a bit pricey? Holograms, horns/demon make-up and they way you have described it. I dunno. It would be cool to see this tackled on-screen by a smart filmmaker.

Only technical thing I noticed whilst reading:
- He can't get within ten feet, right - forgot your '?'.

Anyways, my 2 cents regarding this. It read really quickly and formatting was all good! Poor Carl, hopefully he'll get his girl soon lol

Curtis

Hi Richard, I loved the premise, but if I was honest, I think there was not enough action, and I didn't' think it was funny. Me personally, I would just make it a short thriller?

AmbitionIsKey is right, regarding the cost of making this, just get them to appear, they don't have to be holograms?

One thing I noticed, you wrote (She drops the clothes and grabs her phone. He watches as she taps it and talks into the mic.) Just put she speaks into it? Everyone knows phones have mics.

I am a newbie, so it's just mt opinion.

Gary

Richard, as usual, the script is stylistically perfect. Very creative premises but...there is always a "but" lol...for my taste it's not too funny. I agree with GM, it could be a perfect horror/thriller short with some minor changes.
Good job.
My best,
Fausto

Richard,

Nicely handled, I could see this working well on-screen.  I enjoyed the quick back and forth.  Carl works well, there's a kind of deadpan weariness there - like this happens all the time.  I wondered about the FX make-up budget etc. but I think with the comedy angle it could be worked around.  Some 'bad' FX might even add to the humour.  Have you considered taking it further, as in a series of shorts?

Good luck with it,

Steve  

R,
I've read this 4 times over the last few days.
I had to keep coming back to it.  
It was funnier for me each time.  

It reminded me of something and I couldn't put my finger on it.

FINALLY,  and this is in no way a negative hit.
There was something "Monty Python-ish"; the comic tone or flare.
Crazy huh?  Just me maybe but

Kudos,  I enjoyed.  Nice writing.

JJ

All,

Thank you all for the reads and the comments.  This was an attempt at a little levity with demons and apps.

best
Richard