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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Gone - Back on the market
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  Author    Gone - Back on the market  (currently 1516 views)
Don
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gone by Curtis Rainey  - Short, Drama, Thriller - A troubled young boy must come to terms with the reality of death  7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 17th, 2017, 10:42am
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eldave1
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Curtis:

There were many things in this to like. Nice effort.

There were several areas where you unnecessarily repeated info that was already in your scene heading. Examples:


Quoted Text
INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
James's bedroom is dimly lit, the only light coming from a
slight crack in the blinds.


Don't need "James Bedroom" - already in the slug. Instead - just write:

INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
Dimly lit, the only light coming from a
slight crack in the blinds.

And here:


Quoted Text
EXT. STREET - DAY
ALICE (20) walks down the street. She taps away at her
phone. She's the girl from the photo in James's room.
In the distance, James's watches her. Unnoticed.


Should just be:

Alice taps away at a cell phone as she walks.

And here:


Quoted Text
INT. HOUSE - BATHROOM
Bathroom again. James takes a canister of pills out of a
cupboard. He pops the cap. Empties two into his hand. He
hesitates for a second, then finally, swallows both.


Don't need bathroom again. Just start with "James takes.."


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Curtis, coming at you with some feedback shortly.


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AmbitionIsKey
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Quoted from eldave1
Hey, Curtis:

There were many things in this to like. Nice effort.

There were several areas where you unnecessarily repeated info that was already in your scene heading. Examples:



Don't need "James Bedroom" - already in the slug. Instead - just write:

INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
Dimly lit, the only light coming from a
slight crack in the blinds.

And here:



Should just be:

Alice taps away at a cell phone as she walks.

And here:



Don't need bathroom again. Just start with "James takes.."

Hey Dave,

100% agree with everything you've said. Will make changes. I've been away from screenwriting for a while, kind of lost my passion, but it's coming back, so this was just something off the top of my head. But taking all your comments on board

@LC - looking forward to your comments lovely


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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eldave1
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Cool - best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 2:50am Report to Moderator
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Curtis, well this certainly packs a punch, bit grim though...

Just so happens to be domestic violence week? white-ribbon day (during the week past), if that makes sense, here in Oz. Is it the same in your neck of the woods?

First off, nicely written, any suggestions that way would be nitpicking from me:

JAMES, 18, skinny, messy hair and pale, has his back down
on the grass staring up at the dull sky.


JAMES, 18,  skinny, pale, messy hair, lies on the grass staring/stares up at a bleak grey sky.

See, nipicking. It's good to delete 'and' where it's not necessary though, unless you're going for a certain rhythm. I see the rhythm here:

And if I can't have her, then no one
is going to have her.


However, I feel that line would be all the more powerful without the 'And'.

That's it no more nits.

You've got a handle on the writing  - Dave picked out the repetition in the slug/action lines, so I'll concentrate on story.

I'm a fan of voice over and I think it went very well with the tale you're telling here.

Works well as we get both diametrically opposed points of view. Nicely done, even if favouring James' POV.

Typo p.3
Jame's stands in his bedroom,  - delete apostrophe.

(V.O.) cont from Alice missing from bottom p.3

What the heck is Alice doing alone in the park? I don't know... Perhaps if he ambushes her at a different location? Is this the same time frame, cause if she'd already contacted police she'd probably be wary of being alone in secluded spots.

Probably getting the time frame mixed there, ? me I mean.

That 'camera pan' shot stipulated in the writing will probably get up the pedant's noses. As will the 'orphaned lines. Doesn't worry me.

It's a really good story, I really felt the characters, and you evoked the sinister vibe really well.

You go deliberately for misdirection at the start to make us feel James is going to do himself in, right? And it is effective.

I just wish Alice was the victor in this one and that the misdirection was from her POV, if you get what I mean. That she turns the tables on him i.e., she sets him up in that park.

I suppose it's more realistic the way you've written it, but there's a linear feel to the narrative for me even with that misdirect from him. He's not so much the seducer from the get-go which is a stereotypical abuser - flowers, chocolates first etc. then he transforms into a control freak, but quite obviously off kilter from the start and Alice is aware of this.

Knowing what Alice knows in her gut I wanted her to be more clever... Or do something we don't see coming.

I really enjoyed it, ( for want of a better word) I just wanted her to be more proactive than reactive considering her first instincts.Too many female victims of stalkers and domestic violence and I wanted something more. Short page count so adding more into the mix wouldn't hurt.

Welcome back to SS, Curtis. A good re-entry, and I hope to read more.





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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Hi LC,

Really, really appreciate you taking the time to read over this and really value your review, it's very helpful to me! I'll address your critique in a while as I'm currently on my phone and away from my laptop!




"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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AmbitionIsKey
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Quoted from LC
Curtis, well this certainly packs a punch, bit grim though...

Haha, the stuff I tend to write is usually drama, grim stuff, things that pack a punch. Personally I feel like this is actually tame compared to other things I've written!


Quoted from LC
Just so happens to be domestic violence week? white-ribbon day (during the week past), if that makes sense, here in Oz. Is it the same in your neck of the woods?

I'm not 100% sure if it is here or not, I did however know that it was domestic violence week in Oz as I have a friend who is there at the minute. Bitch. Her photos look amazing.


Quoted from LC
JAMES, 18,  skinny, pale, messy hair, lies on the grass staring/stares up at a bleak grey sky.

See, nipicking. It's good to delete 'and' where it's not necessary though, unless you're going for a certain rhythm. I see the rhythm here:

And if I can't have her, then no one
is going to have her.


However, I feel that line would be all the more powerful without the 'And'.

That's it no more nits.

I actually agree with both your suggestions here and see from reading over, my constant over use of 'and' - I need to get rid of that! Thanks for pointing this out. The line reads way better without the 'And'.


Quoted from LC
I'm a fan of voice over and I think it went very well with the tale you're telling here.

Works well as we get both diametrically opposed points of view. Nicely done, even if favouring James' POV.

Thanks very much! I deffo agree regarding favouring James. Originally when I was writing it I was going to have it all from James's POV but thought it would be interesting to see both sides.


Quoted from LC
What the heck is Alice doing alone in the park? I don't know... Perhaps if he ambushes her at a different location? Is this the same time frame, cause if she'd already contacted police she'd probably be wary of being alone in secluded spots.

Probably getting the time frame mixed there, ? me I mean.

No. Your point is entirely valid and you haven't confused the time frame. This is the main point that occurs after everything else. I'm deffo going to maybe change the location, or maybe add in a friend? If I had a stalker I wouldn't be walking in the park... Alone... makes sense lol. Thanks for point this out!


Quoted from LC
That 'camera pan' shot stipulated in the writing will probably get up the pedant's noses. As will the 'orphaned lines. Doesn't worry me.

I never ever usually include camera shots in my writing, but I felt it was important as to how Alice's death is revealed to the audience. I'm also maybe considering shooting this next year during my uni break with some friends so that's why I included too.


Quoted from LC
It's a really good story, I really felt the characters, and you evoked the sinister vibe really well.

You go deliberately for misdirection at the start to make us feel James is going to do himself in, right? And it is effective.

Thank you! And yes the first page is written as to make the reader think that is his intentions and then it switches it on it's head so glad that came across!


Quoted from LC
I just wish Alice was the victor in this one and that the misdirection was from her POV, if you get what I mean. That she turns the tables on him i.e., she sets him up in that park.

I suppose it's more realistic the way you've written it, but there's a linear feel to the narrative for me even with that misdirect from him. He's not so much the seducer from the get-go which is a stereotypical abuser - flowers, chocolates first etc. then he transforms into a control freak, but quite obviously off kilter from the start and Alice is aware of this.

Knowing what Alice knows in her gut I wanted her to be more clever... Or do something we don't see coming.

I agree with you here. I had an idea after posting this that I still haven't expanded on. Basically as the story progresses we find out that Alice is an unreliable narrator, and was making all this stuff up about James as a way of getting back at him for... something. Hadn't figured out that bit. So she basically ends up stabbing him (killing him) and then stabbing herself to make it look like she was attacked and then attacked James in self defence. I think maybe this would be something I would like to explore more. What do you think?


Quoted from LC
I really enjoyed it, ( for want of a better word) I just wanted her to be more proactive than reactive considering her first instincts.Too many female victims of stalkers and domestic violence and I wanted something more. Short page count so adding more into the mix wouldn't hurt.

Considering what I've said previously, do you think maybe exploring Alice as an unreliable narrator would be of interest? Making her more proactive?


Quoted from LC
Welcome back to SS, Curtis. A good re-entry, and I hope to read more.

Thanks very much! Feels good to be back on the site, reading stuff again, writing as well. I kind of gave up on writing for a while but it feels good to be back at it! I've another few ideas for some shorts I want to explore so hopefully get them tackled soon!

Really appreciate this review LC, taking everything you've said on board!

Curtis


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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#GaryManson
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Curtis, this was great and an easy read. Great ending. I agree with Libby, though, about this dialogue.

(And if I can't have her, then no one
is going to have her.)

It would be better without the AND.

All the best with this.
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AmbitionIsKey
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Hey there, Gary.

Glad you liked the ending. Yeah, agree with both you guys, I've changed it already, plan on resubmitting a rewritten version of this next week hopefully when I get more feedback!

Thanks very much for taking the time to read

Curtis


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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LC
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Glad to hear I offered some helpful suggestions, Curtis.

I like the idea of the unreliable witness, and look forward to reading another draft.


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Jenniferkc22
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Curtis,

Everyone mentioned things about the formatting and things so I will focus more on my feelings on the story as a reader/viewer. I could really feel the emotion of James. I started to fear for Alice in the middle of the story when it was clear that she was in danger. I felt her being scared, I felt James' rage when he knocked her to the ground and covered her mouth. It was freaky-but that's what a good writer does-they make you feel.

LC mentioned that it would have been nice to have Alice win in this situation, but I know some character's don't win and it's hard to read sometimes stories like this, but I think you captured James' unstable point of view/mind very well and you portrayed it so well that I felt a tiny bit eerie at the end.

I hope that makes sense.

I was drawn into the story and it held my attention all the way through.

I read in one of your comments that you are just recently returning to writing. I am glad you are. I look forward to reading more of your work.
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AmbitionIsKey
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Quoted from LC
Glad to hear I offered some helpful suggestions, Curtis.

I like the idea of the unreliable witness, and look forward to reading another draft.


Glad you like the idea. I may consider writing two versions of this. One where Alice is more proactive as a victim, fighting back etc. And then maybe the second version with her as the antagonist, the unreliable witness idea. I will keep you posted LC, and once again, thank you very much!


Quoted from Jenniferkc22
Curtis,

Everyone mentioned things about the formatting and things so I will focus more on my feelings on the story as a reader/viewer. I could really feel the emotion of James. I started to fear for Alice in the middle of the story when it was clear that she was in danger. I felt her being scared, I felt James' rage when he knocked her to the ground and covered her mouth. It was freaky-but that's what a good writer does-they make you feel.

LC mentioned that it would have been nice to have Alice win in this situation, but I know some character's don't win and it's hard to read sometimes stories like this, but I think you captured James' unstable point of view/mind very well and you portrayed it so well that I felt a tiny bit eerie at the end.

I hope that makes sense.

I was drawn into the story and it held my attention all the way through.

I read in one of your comments that you are just recently returning to writing. I am glad you are. I look forward to reading more of your work.


Hi Jennifer, thanks so much for taking the time to give this a go.

Glad that you connected with James as a character and his role in the script. Yes, I'm deffo going to work on this some more, maybe make Alice more proactive. I myself as a writer love reading roles involving strong female characters so I think that's a good idea, this needs some polishing!

And thank you so much! Good to be back!



"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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khamanna
Posted: November 28th, 2016, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Curtis.

I liked the story - the misdirection at the beginning is quite effective.

I'd go deeper into your characters, give them a trait or two. Otherwise we don't know anything about them. Maybe not him as he's only a creep, but she has a life and we could learn some more about her to root for her.

I couldn't understand why she would go to the movies with him in the first place? Maybe she was asked by the school councelor or something?

Then again, for the police they should have had something and asking to be your facebook friend is not enough at all. Maybe he switched classes for her, or wrote her name down for a class without asking?
Anyway, nice job.
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JakeJon
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So you're Curtis,

Thanks for the free Screenwriting lesson.  Relatively new to the craft so an opportunity to absorb some " new good sh-t"  is appreciated.

Specifically, loved your use of VO in this one.   For me, it was a unique and effective method of  moving the story along.  Definitely kept the reader into the thick of it:  both James and Alice narrating, in past tense, as the action is happening  in the present.   Great!

Gonna save that one!

I forget where but I was told to stay away from director "stuff", ie. camera angles, shots. POV's but your use of (MS) forced me to check that one out.   Thanks.

Oh, also Great Story.  Yeah, I thought James was going to take himself out initially, so the gradual change from victim to killer was "reader" satisfying  

An A+ effort.

JJ





































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