SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:43pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Addict And The Kid - Optioned!
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 4 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Addict And The Kid - Optioned!  (currently 732 views)
Don
Posted: December 16th, 2016, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Addict And The Kid by Taylor Scott - Short, Drama - A drug addict kidnaps a dealer's kid. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 20th, 2017, 10:43am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
RichardR
Posted: December 17th, 2016, 10:42am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Some notes.

There are problems with this one.  It needs a good edit.  You must learn subject-verb agreement.  'The dealer sit' should be 'The dealer sits...'  There are multiple instances where subject and verb don't agree.

As far at the story goes there are also some problems.  If the Addict arrives to complete the deal and arrest the dealer, why aren't the other cops with him?  At the end, he arrives with backup, but not in the beginning.  It would seem that if he expected to close the deal, he would brought the others.

But this story isn't really about the the transaction, it's about the kid.  If so, make it about the kid.  Food, clothes, bath, video games, make it a great day for the kid.  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 6
JakeJon
Posted: December 20th, 2016, 11:36am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Location
NewJersey
Posts
187
Posts Per Day
0.07
T,
I enjoyed your SP.  Needs a little scrubbing. You know misspelling etc,  But it was a satisfying story.

You hid the other cops on the initial meeting with the Dealer to maintain the "surprise" ending, I guess, but you can work that out in a rewrite.  You had me fooled.     I'm easy.

Loved that the kid didn't speak until the end.  Maybe Names instead of Titles for the characters?  Could further tenderize a tender story.

Juicy!

JJ

Revision History (1 edits)
JakeJon  -  December 20th, 2016, 4:18pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
VancityTaylor
Posted: December 23rd, 2016, 10:47am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thank you both for the feedback.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2017, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Optioned!


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 21st, 2017, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Congrats!!!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
eldave1
Posted: January 21st, 2017, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Super!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006