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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Titan Moderators: bert
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  Author    Titan  (currently 1675 views)
Don
Posted: December 18th, 2016, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Titan by Richard Rivera - Action, Adventure, Horror - When the living dead and their demon masters defeat the United States and her allies, America's first female President a veteran of the Iraqi war, must lead a final assault to close the portal to hell -- and prevent Satan from establishing his kingdom on earth. 113 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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vancety
Posted: December 25th, 2016, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the story; believable characters, good dialog and well paced.

Some notes:

Title page:
Underline the title.

Page 1:
��forged in hell.�  Becomes  forged in Hell.

Page 2:
�The emergency eclipses Presidential dignity.�
Unfilmable.

Page 8:
So who's in command.�  Becomes �So who's in command!�

Page 14:
�A man lays in bed��
�Nikolai lays in a medical bed.�
A repeat.

Page 21:
��than the devil.�  Becomes�� than the Devil.�

Page 36:
�� with blind ferocity�  becomes  ï¿½ï¿½. with blind ferocity.
What if Eldridge died because of the Titan�s crash, she could not have reached Chernobyl and save the day. SEC. ASCOTT can�t control her dying during the crash.

Page 53:
��insure you troops��  becomes  ï¿½ï¿½insure your troops��

Page 55:
God fearing

Page 57:
The Devil�

Page 71-72
Never cut up a sentence at page break.

Page 89:

NIKOLAI : �It will send a message to those nations whose leaders still resist. When they see the President of The United States on her knees, in chains they will lay down their arms willingly, obediently and worship their new God.�
Really?

Page 98:
�..the Devil..�

Page 106:
�He she��
Cut �He�.

Page 107:
�He takes the her hit for her��
Cut the first �her�

FADE OUT:  becomes FADE OUT.
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