Journey to the Last Christmas Dance by Nic - Short, Comedy - A young man who thinks he's talking and bonding with his date's father suddenly realizes he's at the wrong house.  16 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Nic: - some thoughts:

Quoted Text EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - AFTERNOON A young man on a VINTAGE BICYCLE stops in front of a comfortable middle class home. The young man pulls out a folded piece of paper from his coat pocket. This is RON, 17 years old, baby-faced, dressed ot the nines. He tucks the folded piece of paper back into his coat pocket. He parks his bike and approaches the house. He rings the doorbell. And waits.

Why not just intro Ron from the get go. e.g.,

RON (17), baby-faced, dressed ot the nines, rides a VINTAGE BICYCLE. He stops in front of a
comfortable middle class home.

Also - typo - ot should be to

Quoted Text THE DAD (to RON) Well, alright then, let's give her

You only have to CAP character names the first time they are intro'd. RON should be Ron

Quoted Text 2. INT. SUBURBAN HOME, FOYER - CONTINUOUS

No need to number the scenes and you don't need CONTINUOUS here - it's obvious. Just put DAY

Quoted Text INT. SUBURBAN HOME, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Good opportunity for a mini-slug. Could be:

They walk into the:

LIVING ROOM

Quoted Text The living room is absolutely bursting with Christmas decorations. It's almost ridiculously perfect. RON takes in the room.

No need to repeat info already in your slug. This should be:

LIVING ROOM

bursting with Christmas decorations. It's almost ridiculously perfect. RON takes in
the room.

Quoted Text RON's still not over it. THE DAD shakes his head at himself, sorry he said anything at all.

Again - RON and DAD do not need CAPS - they are already intro'd. You make this error throughout.

Quoted Text QUICK CUT TO: ***. EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY RON, playing third base, takes a sharp line drive off his mitt that ricochets into his chin. The runners on second and third advance. In the background, we can see the scoreboard change. The VISITORS have taken the lead in the 9th inning. We'll come back to this scene later. CUT BACK TO

You don't need the cut tos. This really should be a FLASHBACK and then BACK to scene and you don't need the - we will come back to this scene later.

I like your dialogue - very natural.

Hope these help

I liked the twist, but I thought the dad could have a more shocked and dramatic reaction to finding out Ron is at the wrong house. Maybe your script took a bit too long to get going. I thought everyone in your script was acting too nice, but then I thought that's okay, as it's Christmas. However, as I think Ron is a nicer person than Michael, I think it would be a good idea for the dad to show his disappointment at seeing Michael.