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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Journey to the Last Christmas Dance
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  Author    Journey to the Last Christmas Dance  (currently 362 views)
Don
Posted: January 1st, 2017, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Journey to the Last Christmas Dance by Nic - Short, Comedy - A young man who thinks he's talking and bonding with his date's father suddenly realizes he's at the wrong house.  16 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 3rd, 2017, 1:19pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: January 1st, 2017, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Nic: - some thoughts:


Quoted Text
EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - AFTERNOON

A young man on a VINTAGE BICYCLE stops in front of a
comfortable middle class home.

The young man pulls out a folded piece of paper from his
coat pocket.

This is RON, 17 years old, baby-faced, dressed ot the nines.
He tucks the folded piece of paper back into his coat
pocket.

He parks his bike and approaches the house. He rings the
doorbell. And waits.


Why not just intro Ron from the get go. e.g.,

RON (17), baby-faced, dressed ot the nines, rides a VINTAGE BICYCLE. He stops in front of a
comfortable middle class home.

Also - typo - ot should be to


Quoted Text
THE DAD
(to RON)
Well, alright then, let's give her


You only have to CAP character names the first time they are intro'd. RON should be Ron


Quoted Text
2. INT. SUBURBAN HOME, FOYER - CONTINUOUS


No need to number the scenes and you don't need CONTINUOUS here - it's obvious. Just put DAY


Quoted Text
INT. SUBURBAN HOME, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS


Good opportunity for a mini-slug. Could be:

They walk into the:

LIVING ROOM


Quoted Text
The living room is absolutely bursting with Christmas
decorations. It's almost ridiculously perfect. RON takes in
the room.


No need to repeat info already in your slug. This should be:

LIVING ROOM

bursting with Christmas decorations. It's almost ridiculously perfect. RON takes in
the room.


Quoted Text
RON's still not over it. THE DAD shakes his head at himself,
sorry he said anything at all.


Again - RON and DAD do not need CAPS - they are already intro'd. You make this error throughout.


Quoted Text
QUICK CUT TO:
***. EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY
RON, playing third base, takes a sharp line drive off his
mitt that ricochets into his chin.
The runners on second and third advance. In the background,
we can see the scoreboard change. The VISITORS have taken
the lead in the 9th inning.
We'll come back to this scene later.
CUT BACK TO


You don't need the cut tos. This really should be a FLASHBACK and then BACK to scene and you don't need the - we will come back to this scene later.

I like your dialogue - very natural.

Hope these help


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Simon
Posted: January 7th, 2017, 5:27am Report to Moderator
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I liked the twist, but I thought the dad could have a more shocked and dramatic reaction to finding out Ron is at the wrong house. Maybe your script took a bit too long to get going. I thought everyone in your script was acting too nice, but then I thought that's okay, as it's Christmas. However, as I think Ron is a nicer person than Michael, I think it would be a good idea for the dad to show his disappointment at seeing Michael.


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