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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Fragile X Moderators: bert
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  Author    Fragile X  (currently 535 views)
Don
Posted: January 4th, 2017, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fragile X by Skip Byrd - Short, Drama, Mystery, Thriller - A young cop part of a robbery gone wrong. discovers a disappearance of a young woman at a hospital. 36 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 1st, 2017, 3:43pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: January 4th, 2017, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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This is not ready I'm afraid, Skip. Just from page 1.


Quoted Text
INT. SCARSDALE DAY
FADE IN:


- Hyphen needed between Scrarsdale and day.
- What is Scarsdale? Somewhere describe the setting. I don't have a clue where we are.
- FADE IN should be before scene heading.


Quoted Text
Corey is getting a call from the police chief while
smoking pot while watching TV.


You don't intro the character properly. Need CAPS (COREY) and some description the first time he appears. The writing is really inefficient. Try something like, COREY (describe him) sits in a chair smoking a joint. His phone is to his ear.

Getting a call from a Police Chief is unfilmable. How does on shoot that?


Quoted Text
COREY
That is a better way to start
the day.
MAJORS
(on phone)


Inconsistent use of on phone (aren't they both?)
You do not intro the character - MAJOR - properly.

Sorry, but you really need to tale a look at some scripts or Google script formatting. This is not close. It can be. But you need to do some work.

All the best



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Skip
Posted: January 4th, 2017, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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This is my first time writing a screenplay. It's hard.
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eldave1
Posted: January 4th, 2017, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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Keep at it - you will find it rewarding


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Skip
Posted: January 4th, 2017, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
Red


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Thank you. Is there any more advice?
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eldave1
Posted: January 4th, 2017, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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1. Read some scripts to get a feel

2. Google screenwriting formats and techniques. Here is a good starter: Lots of good info.

http://www.storysense.com/format.htm

3. Consider screenwriting software



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Bold
Posted: January 7th, 2017, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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I'll knock you into Science!

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Skip, screenwriting software is the way to go.  It takes a lot of the headache out of achieving the correct format.  There are several free (or inexpensive) programs available.

Read lots of produced screenplays.  You'll begin to notice different styles and techniques, and hopefully one of them will resonate with you.  Here's an exercise you could try:

- Search online for a copy a screenplay that has been produced.
- Get yourself a copy of the film (streaming, DVD, whatever).
- Go through the story, reading and watching a scene at a time.

This will give you a sense of dialog, description, pacing and other details - and how the words are translated to screen.  There are many films/scripts you can do this with.

Also, there are several good resources out there about structure.  Story acts, reversals of fortune, plot points, etc.  Maybe check out some of the books by Christopher Vogler and Robert McKee.

Hope this helps!

|.  .  |  .|


Bold on IMDB



Æternum "Reasons Unknown" (Pilot) • Thriller, Horror, Sci-Fi • 58 Pages

I will reciprocate feedback!
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Skip
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
Red


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What should my script might end up at? Either a major studio or an indie?
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Bold
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
Red


I'll knock you into Science!

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Skip, you really need to concentrate on learning how to tell a great story (proper script format, clever dialog, good story structure, compelling characters, strong descriptions, etc.) rather than worrying about how your story might get made.

Don't put the cart before the horse.


Bold on IMDB



Æternum "Reasons Unknown" (Pilot) • Thriller, Horror, Sci-Fi • 58 Pages

I will reciprocate feedback!
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Skip
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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I used Celtx.
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
Purple


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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Use writerduet. Celtx is not proper formatting/
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Skip
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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What's that?
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
Purple


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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It's a really amazing script formatting software that to me is far superior than all the other 'free' one's.
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Skip
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
Red


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I'll working on it. Writerduet is not good.
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
Purple


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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uhh ok then
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