Hi, Toualith. I read your submission, here are my thoughts:
PREMISEThe premise is compelling, but the first episode needs to deliver more of the goods. The opening interview scene is not compelling enough. Particularly in a series with an ensemble cast, you need to start the story with velocity. Give the audience something exciting in the beginning, something that will hold them over until you’ve got some of the character exposition out of the way. So:
- The disastrous asteroid shower is intriguing - this should be part of the opening scene. OR:
- Show a hint of the characters’ strange abilities before the flashback starts.
DIALOGSome of the dialog could use more polish, some of it was missing the cadence and flow of natural conversation.
Some of the philosophical dialog and the nostalgic dialog is too on-the-nose:
- "What happened to the time when what we were doing was driven by strong convictions, integrity?"
- “The daily dose of morphine you use to run away from your past in Cote d’Ivoire”
- "European individualism has a way of travestying the sense of family"
Try to find a way to soften lines these, make them a little more subtle, more indirect.
CHARACTERSThe characters aren’t bad, there’s certainly potential in each of them.
But I want to like them more. On your next pass, I would endeavor to give them a little more charm, empathy, and wit. The more we like characters, the more we’ll care about what happens to them.
STORYThe overall structure is solid. You have set up a few mysteries: The asteroids and the geotechnical weapon. There’s a lot of rich potential here, and you should give a few more morsels to the audience to whet their appetite.
The characters should be more pro-active in discovering clues to the mysteries. This will create a stronger connection between the characters and us, the audience. We see what they see, we discover what they discover, WE want to know what THEY want to know.
PROSEThe descriptions get the job done, but there are areas where extraneous details or oddly phrased sentences create confusion. The descriptions could also benefit from some more lyricism and visual imagery.
OVERALLYou put a lot of effort into
Hoods, Swords & Capes. I think it needs more work, but I also think there are large reserves of untapped potential that lie in wait.
It’s hard not to draw a comparison to shows like
Heroes or
Sense8. I would watch the first season of each (and find the pilot script of each, which can be found online) to see how the ensembles of characters were expertly woven together... and the ways in which the greater mysteries unfolded.
I think the same can be done with
Hoods, Swords & Capes, but keep in mind that you need to find ways to keep your show different enough so that does not appear derivative.
All-in-all, it’s a solid effort with lots of potential.
TECHNICAL OBSERVATIONSThere are a lot of pages where you add emotion parentheticals: (Serious tone) (Angrily) (Sternly) (With Anger) (Scoffs). In a lot of cases, you don't need these. Particularly if the dialog is reworded well, the character's tone will be implicit.
"Black Molly" is an old term for Speed. But Kevin's friends mention morphine. Is Kevin taking multiple drugs? It's a little unclear.
(pause) can replaced by a period, a comma, or "…" If you want to use a parenthetical, (beat) is traditionally used on a separate line. So:
DARK HOOD
Well Jessica, life used to be poetic before (pause) you know.
Should be:
DARK HOOD
Well Jessica, life used to be poetic before...
(beat)
You know.
MINUTIAEI have a page-by-page list of grammar and other smaller issues. Let me know if you want me to send them to you.
Keep on writing!
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