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White Christmas by Jake Katalay - Short, Comedy, Dark, Action, Adventure - WHITE CHRISTMAS is a Christmas short story about a Bounty Hunter named Dugan Blackheart, a no shit-taking, badass bounty hunter who has to protect the son of a rich business owner to recieve $50 M. Meanwhile, a group of rogue bounty hunters are on the hunt to kill the kid since his body dead is worth much more. - pdf, format
You have a blank page between your title page and the beginning of your script.
EXT. WOODEN CABIN - MORNING There’s a GIGANTIC BLIZZARD outside. The snow ROARS through the air with strong winds. Nothing can be seen in sight. Nothing but a man in a heavy fur coat. A scarlet red fur coat. He looks like Santa. This man is Dugan BLACKHEART, late 30’s. He has ski goggles over his eyes, a heavy scarf, leather gloves, and heavy boots.
There's no need to mention "outside" - it's an exterior shot so we already know that. Also - don't think you need to tell us it's a blizzard and then describe it - I would do one or the other. I think this would work best just starting the scene with:
Snow ROARS through the air with strong winds.
Dugan should be CAPPED
A YOUNG MAN sitting down in a rocking chair holds a Desert Eagle to Blackheart’s face. He’s trembling in fear
Don't need "down". Also - I would consider introducing RUDOLPH right here rather than first referring to him as the YOUNG MAN.
BLACKHEART (long beat) What’s your name kid.
YOUNG MAN-- RUDOLPH
You forgot to delete young man - still there - just over striked
BLACKHEART Cuz your father’s rich dumbass. They’re either gonna kill you and turn your body in for money, or hold you for ransom.
an "a" need after father's
BLACKHEART (CONT’D) Who’s there.
BLACKHEART Why’re you hear. Who sent you.
Missing two ?
BLACKHEART I remember the first time I killed someone. I was ten. Had that same weak stomach. The victim was a serial killer named was Kearin Blackheart.
typo - delete the "was"
The glass window BURSTS open. Bullets flew through.
Story is a miss for me - feels like it was written on the fly with little idea of where it was all going.
One thing that stands out was the number of confusing/contradicting visuals. Think about the logic behind the scene/action or else it can make for a confusing read and often lead to redundant wording.
‘A YOUNG MAN sitting down in a rocking chair holds a Desert Eagle to Blackheart’s face.’
Visually it seems like he’s holding the gun against Blackheart’s face, when in fact he’s aiming/pointing it at him. You’re giving the reader a different image than what you intend.
‘He takes off his red fur coat, revealing a steam punk like outfit. A red sweater under brown overalls with gold buttons. He has several tattoos all over his body. A noticeable one on his neck has a skull with a rose through the eye hole.’
How do we know he has tattoos all over his body if he’s wearing overalls and a sweater? The one we can see on his neck - fine, but is it necessary to mention what can’t be seen?
‘Blackheart pulls out a heavily amplified sniper rifle from a gigantic decorated sack he was holding over his back. He opens the window and starts aiming.’
No mention of him holding the gigantic sack until now and you described him as he walked through the blizzard a moment ago. How did he take off his santa coat while holding the sack? It's like the sack appeared from nowhere - unless he really is Santa...
I googled ‘amplified sniper rifle’ - all I found was a computer game reference. I thought the idea of sniping favoured stealth. Bit lost on that.
So now he’s aiming a sniper rifle into a gigantic blizzard where ‘nothing can be seen in sight’? Again, what you’re showing us now, contradicts what you’ve shown us before.
I get that this is meant as a bit of OTT fun and I hope these examples don’t come across as overly harsh - IMO stuff like this can really harm the read.
Keep at it.
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