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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  White Christmas
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  Author    White Christmas  (currently 616 views)
Don
Posted: January 12th, 2017, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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White Christmas by Jake Katalay - Short, Comedy, Dark, Action, Adventure - WHITE CHRISTMAS is a Christmas short story about a Bounty Hunter named Dugan Blackheart, a no shit-taking, badass bounty hunter who has to protect the son of a rich business owner to recieve $50 M. Meanwhile, a group of rogue bounty hunters are on the hunt to kill the kid since his body dead is worth much more. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: January 13th, 2017, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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Jake:

You have a blank page between your title page and the beginning of your script.


Quoted Text
EXT. WOODEN CABIN - MORNING
There’s a GIGANTIC BLIZZARD outside. The snow ROARS through
the air with strong winds. Nothing can be seen in sight.
Nothing but a man in a heavy fur coat. A scarlet red fur
coat. He looks like Santa. This man is Dugan BLACKHEART, late
30’s. He has ski goggles over his eyes, a heavy scarf,
leather gloves, and heavy boots.


There's no need to mention "outside" - it's an exterior shot so we already know that. Also - don't think you need to tell us it's a blizzard and then describe it - I would do one or the other. I think this would work best just starting the scene with:

Snow ROARS through the air with strong winds.

Dugan should be CAPPED


Quoted Text
A YOUNG MAN sitting down in a rocking chair holds a Desert
Eagle to Blackheart’s face. He’s trembling in fear


Don't need "down". Also - I would consider introducing RUDOLPH right here rather than first referring to him as the YOUNG MAN.


Quoted Text
BLACKHEART
(long beat)
What’s your name kid.


Missing ?


Quoted Text
YOUNG MAN-- RUDOLPH


You forgot to delete young man - still there - just over striked


Quoted Text
BLACKHEART
Cuz your father’s rich dumbass.
They’re either gonna kill you and
turn your body in for money, or
hold you for ransom.


an "a" need after father's


Quoted Text
BLACKHEART (CONT’D)
Who’s there.


Missing ?


Quoted Text
BLACKHEART
Why’re you hear. Who sent you.


Missing two ?


Quoted Text
BLACKHEART
I remember the first time I killed
someone. I was ten. Had that same
weak stomach. The victim was a
serial killer named was Kearin
Blackheart.


typo - delete the "was"


Quoted Text
The glass window BURSTS open. Bullets flew through.


flew is the wrong tense


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JakeM
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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thank you for the feedback. I tend to over explain a lot in my scripts. I realized that there's a large amount of typos, which is my fault since I type fast.


PRIDEFUL VISIONARY
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eldave1
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RichardR
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I got lost in the first section.  It's a raging blizzard, and they can see more than 30'?  That's not how blizzards work.

I know you're looking for a comedic take on Rudolph, but it didn't work for me.  

Best
Richard
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stevemiles
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Jake,

Story is a miss for me - feels like it was written on the fly with little idea of where it was all going.

One thing that stands out was the number of confusing/contradicting visuals.  Think about the logic behind the scene/action or else it can make for a confusing read and often lead to redundant wording.

‘A YOUNG MAN sitting down in a rocking chair holds a Desert Eagle to Blackheart’s face.’

Visually it seems like he’s holding the gun against Blackheart’s face, when in fact he’s aiming/pointing it at him.  You’re giving the reader a different image than what you intend.

‘He takes off his red fur coat, revealing a steam punk like outfit. A red sweater under brown overalls with gold buttons.  He has several tattoos all over his body. A noticeable one on his neck has a skull with a rose through the eye hole.’

How do we know he has tattoos all over his body if he’s wearing overalls and a sweater?  The one we can see on his neck - fine, but is it necessary to mention what can’t be seen?

‘Blackheart pulls out a heavily amplified sniper rifle from a gigantic decorated sack he was holding over his back. He opens the window and starts aiming.’

No mention of him holding the gigantic sack until now and you described him as he walked through the blizzard a moment ago.  How did he take off his santa coat while holding the sack?  It's like the sack appeared from nowhere - unless he really is Santa...

I googled ‘amplified sniper rifle’ - all I found was a computer game reference.  I thought the idea of sniping favoured stealth.  Bit lost on that.

So now he’s aiming a sniper rifle into a gigantic blizzard where ‘nothing can be seen in sight’?  Again, what you’re showing us now, contradicts what you’ve shown us before.

I get that this is meant as a bit of OTT fun and I hope these examples don’t come across as overly harsh - IMO stuff like this can really harm the read.

Keep at it.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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