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Very well written, I would say. I feel a little cheated - the logline is misleading... They didn't really meet for a chat. I wanted them to meet for a chat and some bragging and then one of them would say something and the other one would get offended etc... Anyway, I really enjoyed the way you painted their ridiculous snobbish lifestyles... makes me feel more content with what I have!
This is a nice little tale where the ending is not easily foretold. Yes, everyone expects Martin to play the next card, and in a way, something beside the ultimate card would have kept the back and forth going for a while, but that's me. You might consider giving the older man some reference to killing off Martin, dead to everyone at the club. Makes the turnaround more vivid I think.
Eldave1: Once again the comma gets the best of me! Thanks for pointing that out.
GARVEY Not quite the Waldorf, hmm old boy? Tell me, did you rent by the night or by the hour? (beat) I mean the hotel, not the boys of course.
This is perfect! I am definitely going to be adding this to the scene. Thank you so much for the suggestion!
Dreamscale: Thanks for the feedback! I am glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, I'll be the first to say that if I am weak anywhere as a writer, it's definitely with dialogue. If any certain phrase(s) stuck out to you, I'd love to hear about it. Thanks again!
Angry Bear: Luckily the author of the piece and I are long time collaborators, so if anyone was interested in filming this work, that wouldn't be an issue. Currently, I am circulating it for funding, but if I can't secure it I'd be happy to hand this project to another director.
This is a nice short. Everything works for me in this. The only suggestion - I mean something more than you could do - maybe use there's several ways to skin the cat at the beginning. This way you'll have sort of a deja vu.
Anyway, that was pretty good I think. Good luck to you with it.
I haven't read any of the other comments, so sorry if I'm repeating what is already said.
Interesting tale. It didn't hook me right away, but I'm glad I stuck around until the end. You definitely upped the energy level at the end. Exciting stuff. I liked Martin's final line. Dark as hell. Not all of the dialog landed, but nothing was groan worthy either.
Format is good, no problems here. Very descriptive, almost too descriptive. It sort of slows down the read for me.
Overall I'd say good job with this. Slow start, but necessary. My kind of short horror. I look foward to seing what else you've got.
Need someone to look at what you're writing? Send me a message.
Been meaning to get to this one. Solid stuff. One thing I'd suggest is portray Martin as a bit more fearful/desperate once he realizes he's been found out. Make it seem like he's at his wits end right up till he lashes out with the blade. Particularly, here:
GARVEY My P.I. did. Took him less than a week before he found you trawling for young boys. Prostitutes, I assume?
**I don't think he'd respond at all at this point. Maybe, instead:
Martin can't pull his eyes away from the photos.
GARVEY Stacey told me that she and Katherine had spoken about your problems in the bedroom. I'd thought you just couldn't get it up. I had no idea you were a faggot.
Martin glares at the other man.
MARTIN So it's blackmail then? You want me off the board at the club?
I'd go with something more despondent:
MARTIN Just tell me how much you want.
As for the very end, I wish you could've worked in that skin the cat line at the beginning too so it's a callback. Considering all the talk of lawn care and clubs and wives, there's gotta be some way to work that line. Although, nothing I could find off the top of my head.