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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Secrets
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Don
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Secrets by Brian Lewis - Short, Horror - Two social rivals meet up for a drink, but the night soon takes a dark turn. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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RonH
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Brian,

Sold well written short.  Was pretty sure where this was heading, but at a brisk 6 pages, enjoyed it nonetheless. Look forward to checking out further material.

My best,
Ron H
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Marcela
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Very well written, I would say. I feel a little cheated - the logline is misleading... They didn't really meet for a chat. I wanted them to meet for a chat and some bragging and then one of them would say something and the other one would get offended etc...  
Anyway, I really enjoyed the way you painted their ridiculous snobbish lifestyles... makes me feel more content with what I have!


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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you both for taking the time to read my screenplay!  I am glad you enjoyed it.


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Kirsten
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Brian

I liked this, dark and gritty, atmospheric, well written. Nice work, hope it gets filmed!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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RichardR
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This is a nice little tale where the ending is not easily foretold.  Yes, everyone expects Martin to play the next card, and in a way, something beside the ultimate card would have kept the back and forth going for a while, but that's me.  You might consider giving the older man some reference to killing off Martin, dead to everyone at the club.  Makes the turnaround more vivid I think.

Best
Richard
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 18th, 2017, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Kirsten and Richard,

Thank you both so much for reading my script.  I appreciate your comments.

Thanks!
Brian


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eldave1
Posted: January 18th, 2017, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Well written. One small typo here:


Quoted Text
MARTIN
You've always been cheap Garvey.


Should be a comma after cheap.


Quoted Text
GARVEY
Not quite the Waldorf, hmm old boy?
Tell me, did you rent by the night
or by the hour?


Just a thought - after this - how about a line akin to:

GARVEY
Not quite the Waldorf, hmm old boy?
Tell me, did you rent by the night
or by the hour?
(beat)
I mean the hotel, not the boys of course.


Quoted Text
Martin gulps his scotch, letting the empty glass fall to the
floor. He raises, standing eye-to-eye with Garvey.


A hic-cup for me - the glass drops to the floor and no reaction.

Overall - solid effort.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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This is good, Brian.  Very effective,

Like Dave said, you're still missing some commas in dialogue, involving names.  I think some of your dialogue needs some looking at, but mostly, it's good.

Nice ending...very well wrapped up.

Good job!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Angry Bear
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
hope it gets filmed!


Wouldn't the filmmakers need permission from the author of the short story?


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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Eldave1:  Once again the comma gets the best of me!  Thanks for pointing that out.

GARVEY
Not quite the Waldorf, hmm old boy?
Tell me, did you rent by the night
or by the hour?
(beat)
I mean the hotel, not the boys of course.

This is perfect!  I am definitely going to be adding this to the scene.  Thank you so much for the suggestion!

Dreamscale:  Thanks for the feedback!  I am glad you enjoyed it.  Yeah, I'll be the first to say that if I am weak anywhere as a writer, it's definitely with dialogue.  If any certain phrase(s) stuck out to you, I'd love to hear about it.  Thanks again!

Angry Bear: Luckily the author of the piece and I are long time collaborators, so if anyone was interested in filming this work, that wouldn't be an issue.  Currently, I am circulating it for funding, but if I can't secure it I'd be happy to hand this project to another director.

Thanks!
Brian


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khamanna
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

This is a nice short. Everything works for me in this.
The only suggestion - I mean something more than you could do - maybe use there's several ways to skin the cat at the beginning. This way you'll have sort of a deja vu.

Anyway, that was pretty good I think. Good luck to you with it.
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Disco Cactus
Posted: January 20th, 2017, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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One Rule: KEEP WRITING

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Hey Brian,

I haven't read any of the other comments, so sorry if I'm repeating what is already said.

Interesting tale. It didn't hook me right away, but I'm glad I stuck around until the end. You definitely upped the energy level at the end. Exciting stuff. I liked Martin's final line. Dark as hell. Not all of the dialog landed, but nothing was groan worthy either.

Format is good, no problems here. Very descriptive, almost too descriptive. It sort of slows down the read for me.

Overall I'd say good job with this. Slow start, but necessary. My kind of short horror. I look foward to seing what else you've got.

~Zack~


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MarkItZero
Posted: February 12th, 2017, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Been meaning to get to this one. Solid stuff. One thing I'd suggest is portray Martin as a bit more fearful/desperate once he realizes he's been found out. Make it seem like he's at his wits end right up till he lashes out with the blade. Particularly, here:

GARVEY
My P.I. did.  Took him less than a
week before he found you trawling
for young boys.  Prostitutes, I
assume?

MARTIN
Mostly.


**I don't think he'd respond at all at this point. Maybe, instead:

Martin can't pull his eyes away from the photos.



Also...

GARVEY
Stacey told me that she and
Katherine had spoken about your
problems in the bedroom.  I'd
thought you just couldn't get it
up.  I had no idea you were a
faggot.

Martin glares at the other man.

MARTIN
So it's blackmail then?  You want
me off the board at the club?


I'd go with something more despondent:

MARTIN
Just tell me how much you want.



As for the very end, I wish you could've worked in that skin the cat line at the beginning too so it's a callback. Considering all the talk of lawn care and clubs and wives, there's gotta be some way to work that line. Although, nothing I could find off the top of my head.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the notes Mark, Zach, and khamanna!

Yes, I'll work that "skin a cat" line in early in the script in my next draft.  Great idea guys!

Also, I love your ideas on the dialogue Mark, I'll definitely make those changes.

Zach, I agree, I always overwrite.  I'll try and make it leaner.

Thanks!
Brian


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