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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Getaway
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  Author    Getaway  (currently 644 views)
Don
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Getaway by Brian Lewis - Short, Horror - Murdering her husband was the easy part.  Now, after a chance encounter, Mary fears she might night survive the night. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for putting this up!

This is a work of mine from years ago but I recently rediscovered it and wanted to test the waters to see if it was worth revisiting or if t belongs back in the file cabinet. 🙂


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Disco Cactus
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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One Rule: KEEP WRITING

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Sounds interesting. I'll give it a look tonight and give you my thoughts. Heads up though, there's a typo in the logline. The first "night" should be "not" if I'm not mistaken.

~Zack~



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Disco Cactus  -  January 23rd, 2017, 6:20pm
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Disco Cactus
Posted: February 8th, 2017, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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One Rule: KEEP WRITING

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Sorry it took so long to review this.

Some overly descriptive action lines almost right away. Remember... Show, don't tell.

Dialog is alright, but not as good as some of your other shorts. Some of it is quite on the nose.

Some odd descriptions that don't work IMO.

Page 6: A knife SLASHES through the younger woman's ankle, twisting.

How can you twist a knife if you are slashing at someone? I think SLASHES should be STABS.

This was a pretty good spin on the slasher genre, although I would have liked to see the masked man show up at the end as well, maybe attack the state trooper? I think I prefer "Pick Up" to this one. Either way, good job.

~Zack~



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Disco Cactus  -  February 10th, 2017, 4:17pm
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stevemiles
Posted: February 10th, 2017, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Brian,

This one didnít quite click for me, though admittedly slasher isnít my go to for horror - they all seem to play out to similar beats.  Thereís enough action to pull me through and though itís handled well I felt a little empty handed come the payoff.  I could get with (and enjoyed) the set-up - the murdered husband haunting Mary as she tries to get away.  But the moment the masked killer turned up it seemed to function more as an aside.  For me it was a more interesting idea than the random campsite massacre.  

The chance encounter felt like a stretch.  Fans of that genre might get more out of it.  I wonder if you could be having more fun with the idea over delivering it as a straight slasher?

If Maryís actions somehow set in motion the means for her demise/capture (with less coincidence at play) then it could swing back around to a sweeter payoff.  Entertaining but all a bit too random for me - though again itís a question of taste.

Hope this helps,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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