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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  All That Glitters - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    All That Glitters - OWC  (currently 1097 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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All That Glitters by Anonymous - Short, Western - A mysterious stranger confronts a widow and her daughters at their farm in Oregon during the American Civil War. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Not bad.


Atmosphere felt western. Good job on that.

It felt like you wasted quite a lot of energy trying to disguise the fact the Stranger was a woman. I don't think there's anyone who wouldn't know immediately.

The fact the stranger knows everything makes the whole thing a little expositional. It's usually better story telling when the characters find out at the same time as us, the audience. SO perhaps it would play better and be more exciting if the Stranger enters the house for rest, and then finds out about the plot whilst she's part of it all.

That would add significantly more tension.

Good effort though, overall.


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stevie
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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WTF? Ok, another Western, that's ok but...its eerily similar to Retribution Ridge in feel!

Pretty competently written with some good period detail. Some action - I'm getting a Jeff vibe for this somehow although he would've added some girl on girl stuff for sure lol. Is this yours buddy?

Agree with Rick re the exposition and as i mentioned about the Retribution Ridge script.

The other thing I noticed was there's no real reason beyond revenge why this is happening on this certain day? Perhaps in a rewrite add a birthday or anniversary to make it more convincing?


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Disco Cactus
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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One Rule: KEEP WRITING

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I feel like the descriptions could be broken up a bit for an easier read, but maybe that's just me.

You sort of lost me a little on page 6. There's a lot happening and I just can't visualize it. I literally had to re-read this page multiple times and I'm still not sure what has happened.

I really liked the story of this one and you even found a great excuse to use an all female cast. I can tell you worked hard on this. It's all very well written, just a bit chunky in spots. The page limit hurt you here. Still a good read.

~Zack~


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Yes, that is my real hair...

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I can't open this one for some reason.  It's completely black.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Quoted from Dreamscale
I can't open this one for some reason.  It's completely black.


Me too


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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eldave1
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Hmmm.

Parts of this I loved. You had me there in that location - I know that some of the descriptive blocks were a bit long but I didn't really feel anything was wasted.

One premise issue - I had a hard time believing that they would not recognize Hope is a woman from her voice. That may also be a problem with the parameters of the challenge - i.e., I knew that she had to be a woman because of the rules - so no surprise element - but there may be for a reader who wasn't familiar with the constraints.

Several parts of the dialogue were just outstanding. Really had the feel of folks from that era. However, there were stumbles - too examples for me:


Quoted Text
EMILY(O.S.)
I'm the youngest, Mama. I got to fight for everything in this world. I'm always impatient.

A bit too OTN for me. The line would never happen. Her Mama already knows these things.

And here:

Quoted Text
AGNES
Elizabeth? Yes, she was here for a few days, remember Mama? We fed her, gave her clean linen to sleep in, comforted her.


Again, A bit too OTN for me. Why wouldn't Mama remember that? Have Mama give this info to Hope - not have her reminded by Emily.

A couple of other areas where this happened.

Overall - for a week - I thought this was a real solid effort.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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OHHHH! A good ol' fashioned vengeance story. My only complaint is that I wished this was contained to a few moments, instead of us going from later to later to in the house outside the house. I loved the sisters!

Also, at the end,  you have her as Rose still instead of Sarah. It's minor. Overall a good western and fit the theme nicely.
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Cam Gray
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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Well, that was a pretty good first read.

There's some tiny typos in there but nothing major, aside from that the only crit I've got is the Stranger/Hope/Sarah axis got a little bit confusing, maybe streamline it. And what Dave said about the female voice is a fair point, maybe fix that.

Anyway, aside from the meager criticism above, I thought it was good. The writing style was on the money, pacing was solid, and the different movements balanced well in the overall page count. The descriptions were clear, I could picture the characters in their scummy setting, and the action scene read well too.

Well done writer

Cam


Tommy's Millions - https://tinyurl.com/lgugbvz
Dick Jokes - http://tiny.cc/qw0cay
Mother Nature's Joke - https://tinyurl.com/mncf7am
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DanC
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:11am Report to Moderator
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I am not a fan of westerns.  I actually didn't take a reroll for my entry just because I was scared of getting a western.

It was a good western.  It felt like a story from the wild wild west.

I don't get the end.  Who was Hope?  You never let on who she was.  

Did she even have a daughter that she beat?  I was confused by all this.

When this is over, I hope you will tell us who Hope was.

Thanks
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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LC
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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You're obviously a good writer but this just dragged for me and after the intro with the appearance of the Stranger I started scanning. You had me in the beginning and I reiterate what others have said about the setting, period language authentic style etc. but there's too much extraneous stuff and I just feel the actual story needs to be tightened for a 'short'.


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RichardR
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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I found this one too long.  While the action was fine, the freeing of the mine workers seemed to drag on.  I know it was to show that the stranger was the returning spirit of Sarah, but perhaps that might have been shown in some other fashion.  Not as complex as it might have been, but a good effort.
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grademan
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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only BLANK pages -- that's odd, every other script pulls up right away. is it my software or yours?
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice!  Great dialogue throughout.  The story definitely kept me guessing.

If I had a complaint, I would say it's a touch overwritten which slow the pace a bit.  Also, some of the action is a bit confusing.

I also didn't entirely get the ending.  So the daughter didn't die?

That being said, all in all, this was a pretty good read.

Thanks!
Brian


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Quoted from Dreamscale
I can't open this one for some reason.  It's completely black.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Me too



Quoted from grademan
only BLANK pages -- that's odd, every other script pulls up right away. is it my software or yours?


When I first tried to open it as well, it did the same thing, but it gave me the option to download it and read it. Did it give you guys that option? If not, I could E-mail it to you, if you'd like.


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