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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Poultice - OWC
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  Author    Poultice - OWC  (currently 1160 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Poultice by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as John Anglicus - Short, Western - A desperate mother-to-be must make a dark trade with the Native American wise woman that her family wronged. 9 pages - pdf, format

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SimplyScripts  -  March 13th, 2017, 10:24am
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Disco Cactus
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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One Rule: KEEP WRITING

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Hmm. Not sure what to think of this one.

It's well written, save for a few minor typos, and the dialog is pretty good. The pacing was good too.

The problem is that it seemed to be building up to a big climax and then... nothing. It just stops. Where is the ending? This feel incomplete as it is.

~Zack~


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eldave1
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
PAUWAU
The land is a poisoned as you.

Typo Ė land is as

Okay - writing was crisp and clean - format wise - solid.

I didn't get it. I'm right there with you - interested in the story and then - Lost. I had no idea what the ending was supposed to mean.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Poor opening, as you didn't even attempt to set your scene.

Pretty much all dialogue and very short 1 word back and forth.

Everything is told through dialogue, but no way to actually know what happened or why...or why to care about either character.

The end doesn't make any sense for me, and actually, the whole story is devoid of anything that makes for a god read...or watch.

Doesn't work at all for me, sorry to say.


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LC
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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This screenplay just appears really spare to me. As if a lot of atmosphere you could have infused it with is missing. Lots of white space, yes, but the essence of the characters and in particular the setting, is missing for me.

The most visual part was the description of the poultice.

Dialogue is not bad, but the Pauwau character read as a male character to me - not sure the name helped either.

Dialogue was okay in part. But, sorry to say I got the impression the interaction was between a male chief and a helpless but feisty female. (Make her more feisty btw).

I really didn't know so many writers had so much trouble writing in the opposite gender. Jmho, of course.

The 'er' and the 'that you are not' dialogue was a bit jarring considering the wild west setting. UK or Irish writer, I'm guessing. 'that you are not' would work perfectly if the setting was a Dublin maternity hospital.

Where's your FADE OUT. ? It ended really abruptly. I gather the father of the child is a native and that's the ironic/shock element but it doesn't come through well. I thought the 'ashen' appearance of the midwife suggested this baby died in childbirth too, for a minute.

Good story idea, just needed more oomph! And more of the descriptive factor.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 5:00am Report to Moderator
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I liked this. Nice setting, strong, natural conflict. Some of the dialogue could be improved with just a few small changes.

I think the ending was a bit sudden, and a bit cheap. I think another going in another route would probably be better.

I took it that the magic had resulted in Pauwau getting an heir, not that the father was a Native American.

Obviously there's a strange absence of the man/men who have got her pregnant 6 times. Outside of the challenge that would seem odd.


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Nolan
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't mind this.  I wanted more with the ending though.  

I really don't have much more to say other than that.

Nolan
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Abe from LA
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 4:14am Report to Moderator
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This story felt like it was written on the spot. And then time ran out. Or the story ending went east and the writer went south.
I kind of liked what was developing, at least I was in the game. Then it seemed to meander. Oh well, at least I didn't bail. Maybe the story behind 'what happened to this script' is better than what's on the page.
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Cam Gray
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 8:48am Report to Moderator
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It's a very, very simple story, and it doesn't particularly surprise.

That being said, simplicity isn't always a criticism, just an observation, but in this case I think you needed a bit more. I didn't dislike it, and the ending was a good twist, but could have been nailed a bit better on the dialogue front.

Overall it was alright,

Cam


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Conz
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Oh man, Western was a category?  I didnít even know that.

I donít know what ďdappledĒ means, but again, Iím dumb.

Man, this is some rapid fire dialogue.  It reads quickly, so Iím not really complaining.

Dirge, Hessian sack, drainerÖ either Iím even dumber than I thought or you dug up some authentic period appropriate vocabulary words.

The baby is a boy?  Isnít that against the rules?  Iím not snitching, just asking.

Legit thought Annie was gonna die in childbirth and Pauwau was going to take the baby.  That seemed like a perfect ending to meÖ but I may just be expecting a twist in every script.  Shorts always seem to have twists.  Not sure Annie giving birth to a Native (right?) baby was a twist.

Read well, writing was solid, but not my favorite.  Western is a tough draw.


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EWall433
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad, but I think I was expecting too much from the ending. I'm still not sure what to think of it. One, it doesn't really work without seeing her presumably white husband. Two, there's a lot of questions about what happens when he does see it. But most importantly, it's hard to know how to feel about it. She seems happy. Should I be? I think I needed a better feel for the implications here. Without it, I can't really hang a feeling on the twist, even if those feelings are mixed.

Overall, I liked this one. It had me til the ending, but sorta lost me there too.
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jayrex
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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I can't see the positives through the negativity

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I see this one was well written, I don't quite get the ending.  I see that she's happy for having the baby in that it's perfect, but did she like sell her soul for it, or is it an alien that the midwife is a little surprised to see?  I don't know.

Overall this one had potential but I didn't quite get the ending.  I think if it was a little longer with more detail, I think it would make for an improved story.  I wanted to know more about this Pauwau.

Good luck,

Javier


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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Unsure about the title re: genre
Logline does work very well with me although it reads very hard on drama

P5 good choice to end on that question

Ahh, the ending hurts.

This is perfectly executed, dialogues, description, authenticity. There's just one problem:  importance. The ironic ending shows there's a lack of self-awareness what story this is.

A perfect execution - just nothing that owns me as a story.


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StevenClark
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Nice little tale you weaved. Very good writing, good flow and tension that kept the pages turning - good work on all counts. Except the ending. Wasn't really sure what I was expecting, but it did feel sort of anti-climactic. Guess I was expecting more than what I got. Still, an excellent job of writing and that goes a ways AFAIC. Good job!

Steve


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stevie
Posted: January 31st, 2017, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't realise there was a third Western lol.

Look, this has potential that wasn't quite fulfilled on. The Pauwau char definitely needs to be labelled as a female (its funny how some of these scripts you forget about the opposite gender ban lol).

Anyway it was written ok - i like the sparseness of the dialogue and action. Makes for a clean read.

Good effort


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