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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Lipstick and Dynamite - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Lipstick and Dynamite - OWC  (currently 772 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lipstick and Dynamite by Robin D. Graves - Short, Thriller - A fashion model engages in a sinister game of cat and mouth with an unbalanced CEO of a cosmetics firm — with catastrophic results. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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eldave1
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - first one. In general - format wise, et al all solid. A fairly good effort for a OWC. A couple of typos:


Quoted Text
BACK TO PHYLLIS
who run her tongue over the coffee stirrer.


Should be “runs”


Quoted Text
PHYLLIS
Bullshit. You have no cred, no resume. When she’s done with you, you’ll be as broke as the day came into the world.


Need a “you”  after came


Quoted Text
Transformed now by makeup. Phalaropes.


Phalaropes. – I have no idea


Quoted Text
DOROTHY (FILTERED)
Brilliant. Remember, lead her to the back of the house. We need eye-witnesses.


A bit OTN - don't think you need the eye witness line.

The Burger house seemed an odd meeting place for these two ladies - I am sure it was purposeful. It just didn't seem like the right venue.

SPOILER

Not a fan of the ending. Yes, we get a surprise murder (although the more time the reveal took the more you could see it coming) - but we get no reason. Dorothy could have simply not conspired with the gal at all. I couldn't find the purpose for all of the machinations leading to the end.

Again - good work given the short time.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Simple and focused

Quite like that.

The meeting in the burger hut was in some ways standard, but I felt it worked - that late night 'one on one ' meeting. Neutral zone.

The reversal at the end, whilst not wholly unexpected, wasn't too bad.

What would have been better is if daughter and mother were in this together - that would have been unexpected

Fair effort


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Nolan
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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**Spoilers**

Like Dave, I couldn't see the reason the old lady had killed her.  The more I look at it, I can see a few things in the dialogue suggesting that it will be the old lady.  I honestly didn't pick up on it though.  I just don't know what her reason was, so I was a little lost.  

Other than that, I liked how things built up in this.  

Nolan
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LC
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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OK, I ain't buying this, sorry. It reads as a send up or tongue in cheek. If it is then it's gloriously over the top on one hand but I'm not convinced translated to screen that your audience would know what to make of it or that it's quite clever enough.

The dialogue for me is so unbelievable- perhaps you decided to go that way deliberately. All the action of brushing her hair, applying makeup etc. Sorry to sound harsh, maybe you'd have been better presenting it as film noir, but even then, the dialogue? Nuh. I groaned way too much.It needs to be way more clever and snappy and easy on the ear.


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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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Quoted Text
Out of the Jag steps CHERRY SMITH (mid 20’s). Girl-next-door
looks. No makeup. Shoulder-length blonde hair in a frazzle.
Cherry lowers the iPhone from her ear.
She’s slender and statuesque. A white blouse hugs her sweet
shoulders and breasts. Blue jeans loves her curvaceous hips.
Cherry glides through the parking lot with grace and purpose.
Like a model on the runway

PHYLLIS SHEPARD (late 40’s). Athletic frame,
runner’s calves, attractive in a harsh, corporate way.
Her jet-black hair is pulled back in a tidy bun. Wears an
Armani jacket, blouse and slacks..


I really hope you guys spend this much time describing male characters as you do these female ones...oh boy.

Wait, Cherry isn't a lesbian?

Wait, Dorothy? I gotta re-read this. I actually have a fondness for the power lesbian.   So, although a bit dated like 90's melrose place dated, I still enjoyed the ludicrous nature of the action and dialogue.

I need a re-read..again
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stevie
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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well written by someone who knows their stuff but it didn't really get moving. And the ending while slightly different wasn't justified. Well it might have been but I'm not keen on re-reading to see why as I don't want to see that word Phalaropes again.

It sounds scary lol


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Female Gaze
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
well written by someone who knows their stuff but it didn't really get moving. And the ending while slightly different wasn't justified. Well it might have been but I'm not keen on re-reading to see why as I don't want to see that word Phalaropes again.

It sounds scary lol


Dude it's a bird...

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EWall433
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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So I guess Cherry was double crossed by Dorothy. It takes a bit of inference. I thought the story fell short in this one. It's hard to build up a story entirely through dialogue and have us care. Dorothy is a mysterious figure. The business and relationship between these characters can only be sketched out so far in one meeting, so I never really felt invested.

On the upside, I thought some real tension was created on the road when Cherry’s car breaks down. It was just hard to connect to the final beat when Dorothy is such a wild card and Cherry’s motivations aren't fully elaborated. Feels more like the set-up for a feature.

Not bad for a week’s work, though.
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stevie
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Female Gaze


Dude it's a bird...



So how would a reader know that without googling? And how would it translate in a short film?  It just seemed some random word


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Female Gaze
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie


So how would a reader know that without googling? And how would it translate in a short film?  It just seemed some random word


A bird enthusiasts would know.

But, In reality, whenever I read something I don't get I google it. That's one way to learn new things.
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Conz
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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“Cat and mouth” Intentional?  if so, I like it.

Burger World – does this take place in the Beavis and Butthead shared universe?

Writing is a little stunted.

MOM, TEEN, OLD LADY – caps… but you probably know this.  Big deal.

Dynamite?  What is this Looney Tunes?  

I liked the ending.  

I don’t have much to say about this one.  I didn’t stop as I read, so that’s a good thing.  

Solid little piece.  Pretty good.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
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@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

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Upon re-reading I've decided this one is a classic!

It's vampy, melodramatic, and a pure 90's bitchfest! And I think the writer did this on purpose.

Me likes.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Not a good way to start at all - OVER BLACK should be left aligned.

The opening passage describing "Burger World" is terrible and ends in an orphan.

Very awkward phrasing going on early.

Cherry's description is redonkulous...so bad it must be on purpose...or at least I hope it is.

Characters not being properly intro'd with CAPS.

Writing-wise, this will come down to individual readers who either love or hate the style.  There is talent here for sure...I just wish this writer didn't feel the need to try so hard.  As is, it's a tough pill to swallow, but I respect it just the same.

I don't know who Dorothy is or why at first, Dorothy is simply "WOMAN'S VOICE".

I also don't know why you chose to end this the way you did...probably so to provide a surprise ending, but does it really work?  Not for me.

And, I think the ending kinds of sums up the whole script - as in "Why?"  What exactly do we have here?  We have an exercise in cool writing, but a story and characters as cliche and meaningless as a Stouffer's frozen dinner...at the store, it's a good idea, but after it's been eaten, there's no reason to think back about it.

My advice - tone down your writing and make it stand out for just being good writing, not writing that wants to be seen as good writing.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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JEStaats
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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I visualize Sin City as I read this. And if that was the intent - Congrats! A few typos, oh well...

My interpretation is that the old lady/Dorothy was setting up Phyllis to take the fall, am I right?

I liked it - good job.
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