The Shiftbuster by A.G. Dumas - Dramedy - Johnny Rhodes is a veteran minor leaguer who’s hitting .375 and believes he’s earned one more shot at the majors.  Instead, he’s enlisted by the brass to improve the hitting of the organization’s top young prospect – a 22-year-old Latino shortstop. 115 pages

production: Relatively low budget. Good baseball story. Major Latino characters. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey A.G.

Title shouldn't be at the top of your first page.

I glossed over the first half of page one as I get what you're going for with this memorabilia.  Page one is prime real estate and it is imperative that you hook the reader early.  This just kills half a page over photos sorry to say.  You could shorten it down and show the messages written to Johnny by the players in a paragraph or two or perhaps later in the script.

An orphan in the middle of the page.

I don't know why you don't introduce Johnny and Peggy.  It's dimly lit but enough to make out the physiques of the couple in bed.

Eight lines to describe a home run and players storming the field.  About six too many if necessary at all.  Perhaps the sound of the hit and Johnny's reaction are all that's needed.  The description seems over the top and wasteful.

"The man speaks."  "The woman speaks."  Redundant and unnecessary.  The fact that dialogue occurs already insinuates that fact.

So what do we have in the first scene which stretches across a page and a half:  Photos and a naked couple watching a baseball game.  I hope I don't come across harshly but this can drastically be cut down and still have the impact you're aiming for.  Good luck.

-Johnny