SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 2:05pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Scarefest Script Club  ›  Berserkers - SSC2WC Moderators: Zack
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Berserkers - SSC2WC  (currently 2656 views)
Don
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 9:10am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
2nd Draft
Berserkers by John Staats - Short, Cannibal Horror  - The new Gluten-Free diet is all the rage. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


1st Draft
Berserkers by John Staats - Short, Cannibal Horror  - Too much gluten can be hazardous to your health. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 3rd, 2017, 5:47pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Steven
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16
A goddamn zombie-esque story with a political/governmental message. Usually not my thing but this was fun. Reminded me of the Dawn of The Dead remake with the people picking off celebrities from a rooftop.

The biggest question is how the hell did the doctor make it to the 48th day with no food? All the while battling an infection? I mean, it doesn't really matter since he slips off the ladder, just a thought.

Either way it was funny, though a little bit of exposition when talking about the size of the town. I'd recommend putting the population on the city sign in the opening. That way that piece of dialogue could just say "this place is small" or something to that effect.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 22
JEStaats
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Thanks Steven. You may have missed it but Billy handed the bags to Suzy just before going berserk. During the intro, I had the population on the tower too so maybe I didn't have to make it more of a point to?

I've some thoughts on the revision. We'll see where it goes.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 22
Steven
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16

Quoted from JEStaats
Thanks Steven. You may have missed it but Billy handed the bags to Suzy just before going berserk. During the intro, I had the population on the tower too so maybe I didn't have to make it more of a point to?

I've some thoughts on the revision. We'll see where it goes.


Oh, sorry I guess I missed that part about passing the bag to the doctor...that makes sense. I think the telling of the story itself is fine, but then again I'm not super detailed with critiques.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 22
Pale Yellow
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Some will say it's too wordy but I like the picture you paint at the beginning and the tone as well.

I liked this. Easy reading. I like your dialogue.

One thing you could do to up the tension ....when Billy has to go down to save them... it would be better if he used the infection of Lassen to somehow get through the crowd of Berserkers and on the way back something happens to let them onto him not really being bad meat. Also seems a bit too easy him going to two different stores to get supplies.

The end to me also fell flat. I wanted more than Lassen just climbing down the ladder. And he starts to slip? Does that mean he does slip and will die? Some things left undone but overall I really liked this one.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 22
Conz
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
349
Posts Per Day
0.07
Not sure about the opening slug.  Aerial of Kansas?  Never seen that.

All of this description can be tightened up and written better.  No offense of course.  (like by me saying “no offense,” you’re not still thinking “shut the hell up, man.”)

Man, gimmie some dialogue, please.  Need more white on the page.

These are the Berserk or the BerserkERS?  Pick one.  Berserkers obviously sounds better, but you intro them as the Berserk.

That whole chase could have been half a page shorter with some tighter writing.

“Comically” is probably not a good word to use there.  

“Well, I’ll be… Hi Billy.” – this does not sound like dialogue someone who was just running for their life would speak.

Lot of typos already.  Sorry if I’m being a prick.

This dialogue is way too “gee golly” for me, and there’s too many “Hi Doc” type pointless lines.  Spice it up.  These people were just running from/shooting at crazed zombie things.  I can maybe let it slide if it was established that this was life for a long time, like they’re basically used to it, but Billy is asking what’s going on, so it’s clearly right at the beginning of an outbreak.

If the Berserkers eat each other, what is the vetting process exactly?  Just sniffing each other out?  Luck of the draw?

I like the general idea of having people trapped on a water tower in a zombified town, but not sure I liked this overall.  I will say I love the downer ending though.  48 days is probably way too long, but I still loved it.

This is kinda on the sloppy side.  The dialogue has no life, and it’s overwritten, but if tightened and changed up a bit it could be a cool little short.  Like I said, the idea of people trapped on a water tower is a cool one.

oh and i like the little comedic twist that wheat caused the outbreak, but i'd consider a way to reveal that better than someone simply saying " i heard it on the radio."  and if i really wanted to nitpick, i'd ask why it was limited to just a town of 400 people.  if the town was so small, i imagine berserkers from nearby would eventually migrate in over the course of the story.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 22
JEStaats
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Yeah, that opening slug...never used that before and wasn't sure how to phrase it. Suggestions?

Kinda wordy, yes. Working on that.

As far as berserkers eating each other: They are infected, just like Lassen and his infection, and they don't find it appetizing. But the infection wears off and that's what they're smelling. I can revise to explain that better, I think.

Also the 'last report'. I can link that to a CDC issued bulletin of sorts.

The 'Gee, golly' crap...yeah...more like WTF Doc!

I appreciate the feedback, no hard feelings. At least you read it instead of just the first page and saying 'pass, it sucks!' Thanks for that!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 22
DanC
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 10:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey John, I'm gonna read your story, so, here goes:

They are the Berserk.  I don't know what that means.  Why not show them ragged or running in a way that no living person can do.  Something that shows us they are diseased/dead/etc

When you intro Dr. Lassen, I assumed it was a woman.  I was shocked to see it was a guy.  You should tell us this.

And it is pretty cliched having the human running, on foot, from the zombies.

How can he hear those people O.S.?  Walkie talkie, are they ghosts?  What?

Wait, when did Billy get infected?  I think we need to know that.

Ugh, I hate stories where no one lives.  I ask myself, then how can we know the outcome?  I know that's a pet peeve, but, that's mine.

It was pretty good.  Not sure how they got the blankets on top of the water tower or any of the other random stuff, but, that's okay, I guess.

The story was a fast easy read.  Good job.  Can't wait to see what you do with this.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 22
CameronD
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
542
Posts Per Day
0.14
The logline reads more like a marketing ad slogan than logline. I know loglines are hard but this tells me absolutely zero about the story.

"The tower has the town painted on the side" makes it seem like a landscape is painted on the tower.

"Faint footfalls (O.S.) are suddenly heard and are getting louder."I think you could just write as "In the distance faint FOOTSTEPS grow louder." or something like that. You don't often see (O.S.) for sound effects.

No need to cap BERSERK.

I like the lab coat tickling the hands of the zombie line.

After running for his life and vomiting Dr. Larson seems to make a quick recovery with a Hi Billy! Awkward.

Is this a comedy? They seem pretty glib about gluten free GMOs turning people into zombies apparently so suddenly. I mean they discuss it as causally as one would the weather.

Organic hippie chick from the produce stand? Ok, this must be a comedy.

Their plan is to wait them out until they die of dehydration? How does the Dr. even know this to be sure? Well he did deduce GMO's as the reason for the outbreak on a hunch so there's that. And the fact they won't eat infection is a little too WWZ for me. And also a little too convenient. How did the Dr. get the infection anyways?

Not for me. Sorry. The way this reads all the effort was put into writing zombie kill shots instead of crafting a engaging story. Yeah 15 pages isn't a lot of space but so much here is repetitive, people waiting, zombies getting shot that I think you have room to expand. What if you focused on the horror of 3 people, trapped and marooned on a rooftop for days then weeks at a time. Psychological horror as THEIR food and water runs out. Maybe Billy goes mad and develops a plan to do the unthinkable and eat a zombie as he's driven insane by hunger. In a way, he goes berserk even without the GMOs.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 22
MarkItZero
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
I think the descriptions could use some punching up. You're starting with almost two pages of descriptions and it's just not visual enough to pull me in. Some of this may be personal preference. Not saying my suggestions are all necessarily better. But, hopefully, some might be useful to consider.

I like to try and get every line down to something specific that'll pop in the readers mind. A specific image, a specific sound. If possible.

Keep it concise, give us just enough, with lots of visuals.



Quoted Text
The highest visible structure in town is a white water
tower. The tower has the town painted on the side:

KISMET, KANSAS - POP. 464


**I think the visual (white water tower) could work better at the beginning. And you could add a more specific visual to the painted letters...  

A white water tower looms high above the town. Sunlight
glistens off red letters painted across the side:

KISMET, KANSAS - POP. 464



Quoted Text
The streets are devoid of people. A few cars are strewn
about with a couple collisions evident.


**I'd rather you get more specific here as to the damage. Maybe you don't even need the first line. Just a few little, specific visuals of smashed up cars:

A graveyard of abandoned vehicles. Shattered windshields and rusted exoskeletons.
  


Quoted Text
Other than a light breeze that blows plastic shopping bags
down the street, it's dead quiet.


**This is a bit convoluted so it kind of dampens the effect you're going for. Your brain (or, at least my pea-sized brain) has to parse this sentence out a bit before it connects that there's dead silence except for a scraping sound. I'd rather you just get that out right away as clear as possible. Dead silence. Except for scraping sound. So...

The only sound - a plastic bag scraping along the pavement, trapped in a breeze.  



Quoted Text
Faint footfalls (O.S.) are suddenly heard and are getting
louder.


**Keep it concise:

A clatter of footsteps.

Or

Pounding footsteps break the silence.  




Quoted Text
Lassen is approaching exhaustion.


**Show it visually or let us hear it. For example:

Lassen gasps for air.

Or

Sweat pours down Lassen's face.

Or

Lassen's chest heaves with each thunderous step.



Quoted Text

EXT. MAIN STREET - CONTINUOUS

Lassen is no match for the berserkers. The gap gets shorter
with every step. Lassen is approaching exhaustion.
The lead berserker gets closer. He reaches with an
outstretched hand. The tails of the lab coat tickle his
fingertips.


**Actually, this whole passage can be more visual/auditory. None of the bold stuff is visual enough for my taste. And it's too repetitive. The gap gets shorter. The berserker gets closer. He reaches with an outstretched hand.

Gives us specific and varied images/sounds:


Lassen's lab coat flails in rhythm with his pumping legs.

A SNARLING mass behind him, gaining ground.

Lassen falters, only for an instant--

The lead berserker bursts into view over his shoulder,
lunges with a gnarled hand, fingertips grazing the edge
of a coattail.





Then, on page 2 the descriptions really pick up and are quite nice. Especially:

CRACK!

The sound of a high-power rifle catches up to the bullet
that decimated the berserker.
...
Another bullet impacts her right elbow and the lower arm
disappears.
...
Her chest opens up and she tumbles comically forward.


Crisp, concise, and visually specific.

Nice job. Page 1 is more what needs work and I think will improve the overall read by drawing us in faster.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 22
ChrisBodily
Posted: February 25th, 2017, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
572
Posts Per Day
0.17
My connection has been crapping out tonight, so forgive me.

Right out of the gate, FADE IN: goes on the left.

"Footfalls?" You mean "Footsteps?"

We can assume Dr. Lassen is wearing a doctor's outfit. However, if (for example) he were wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a bare ass , that's when a description is necessary. You can tell us what he looks like, though. Does he have a mustache? A beard? Glasses? Green hair? A tattoo on his arm?

You have a few orphan/widow/hanger words taking up their own action lines. Try to avoid these, as too many of them could inflate the page count.

It seems you can't decide whether to call them berserk or  berserkers. Like others have said, keep it consistent.

"Larssen is no match... Larssen is approaching exhaustion." Reads a little passive. Try tightening it up.

The word "tickles" doesn't work for me. Tickle, tickle. Hee hee heee. Perhaps replace it with "itches," "irritates," or "arouses."

"Gunshot" can be one word.

"It's" should be "its." "Another bullet finds it is mark in the neck of the second male berserker." Doesn't make much sense.

It's = It is. Its = Possessive.

I like the "geyser of blood" visual.

"a female berserker continues chase without slowing." Doesn't make sense grammatically.

Each "CRACK!" is starting to look like a shot of a minislug. It's bordering on confusing.

"Tickles"? "Comically"? What kind of tone are you going for? Is this more Dawn of the Dead or Shaun of the Dead?

"Projectile vomits." Like The Exorcist?


Quoted Text
BILLY (O.S.)
Dr. [Doctor] Lassen? Is that you?


Abbreviations are spelled out in dialogue for timing reasons. Don't ask me, I didn't write the rules. Mister, Missus, Miss, Doctor, Sergeant, Colonel, etc.

We went how long without dialogue? Pretty neat action, though.

A few comma issues. Anytime to address somebody, offset it with commas. Jeff (The Simon Cowell of SS) is very particular about this (and I don't always agree with him), but this is good advice.


Quoted Text
BILLY (O.S.)
Hi[,] Doc! We're up here!


Doc Brown's in this story? Great Scott!

So Billy is the stereotypical high school jock? Gotcha.

"for access[,] as the"

Lots of comma issues across the board.

"a hand onto [one word] the platform"


Quoted Text
Lassen is exhausted and collapses on the platform.


Sounds like me on a Wednesday! Also, you already mentioned he was exhausted.

Is "opened" a verb or an adjective?

"Holy cow" sounds a little too clean, especially since he starts swearing immediately afterwards. This isn't the Leave it to Beaver 1950s. You should change it to "Holy shit."

Daisy Duke is a character from the Dukes of Hazzard, and therefore, it's a proper name and must be capitaized. For example, are they mc hammer pants or MC Hammer pants?

Is it her butt or the gun's butt? Also, keep those AR-15's out of the wrong hands, especially in Trump's America.

"GMO" should be "G-M-O." You never know, your actor might pronounce it "Gummo" or "Guh-MOH." Be considerate of your actors.


Quoted Text
BILLY
Figures. Leave it to a gluten
product to turn people into
man-eaters.


Whoa, here she comes! Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. Whoa, here she comes! She's a maneater.

Getting political/liberal, aren't we? Nice.

"Whatever(s)." Intentional?

"Billy goes prone" Huh???

Shouldn't the woman be capped? The Berserker, too? Wait, is the woman or the berserker wearing the Varsity?

Did Billy trail off the "motherfucker" or did the gun cut him off? If the latter, use -- instead.

So, all these berserkers are Trump supporters?

SUPERIMPOSE: should always be written as SUPER:

"Berserks have started gathering around the towers base. They mainly just mill bout and gnash their teeth." Written too passively.

Who's Mr. Balwin? This is where you should heed my comma advice. The fact that Billy mentions a Mr. Baldwin makes me think of Billy Baldwin. I mean, Balwin is right under Billy's name.

Two dollars for a newspaper eight years ago? Come on, man. Let it goooo, let it goooo.

"Lassen shakes his head." At least there's one sane man in the room.

Shouldn't that be "pees onto the ever growing crowd"?

So this is literally a pisser? Wait, that was Dr. Lassen? This really is a pisser. (Quite literally so!)

You should be capping these characters.

Now the cannibal aspect kicks in.

"The crowd is half the size."




Quoted Text
BILLY
Hey, Doc? What's going on with you?


Missed opportunity. It should be "What's up, Doc?"

Is "red streaks run[ning] to his elbow" ever good?

Parentheticals are too long, and you use too many of them.

"Down below, all the berserkers have moved to their side of the tank."

Numbers should be spelled out in dialogue, until you get to the ridiculously large numbers. 1,100,300 is a number you can just jot down, but numbers like one, two, three, fifteen, twenty, etc., should be spelled out.

The tampon part. LOL!

"Billy runs out [of] the Pharmacy"

You could use minislugs.


Quoted Text
Billy runs out of the Pharmacy and down the street to the

GENERAL STORE


Heavy on product placement. Don't worry -- mine was, too.

Is this all one long shot/take?

The berserkers are photographers? Stalktographers?

His butt or the gun's? I wish you'd use the word butt only to refer to somebody's ass. Otherwise, it's confusing.

Ahhh...

*SPOILER*

You just pulled a Hamlet on us.

To paraphrase Bishop, "Not bad... for a pisser."


FADE IN:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 22
AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 26th, 2017, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
GMO zombie/crazies and a well written script with a decent tension built, Doc's infection smacks a little of World War Z but hey ho...

I did like this until Billy gets bitten, feels abruptly ended at that point and I didn't really buy it.

But it does feel like the intro to a feature, as such I think it has potential.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 22
JEStaats
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Just got back from a major roadtrip so I'm a little late on the replies:

ChrisBodily: Always a pleasure to read your critiques! Sometimes brutally honest but always with a chuckle or two. Thanks for the feedback!

MarkItZero: Same/Same. Love the detailed feedback and will take it to heart as I dive into the revision. Thanks.

Sir Anthony: Absolutely. Limits are so limiting, eh? Billy getting bitten was my second choice as the trapped themselves becoming cannibalistic would have taken so many more pages...but then as a feature? Hmmm....

Cameron: Comedy? Yeah, I think I need to get off the fence and go one way or the other. It's really hard for me to write horror seriously.

DanC: I guess I can add a little back story on how Billy and Suzy ended up on the tower and with what supplies. I could have them caught up there making out to explain the blanket but then how do I explain the firepower? Oh yeah, it's Kansas!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 22
PedroS
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
56
Posts Per Day
0.02
I liked this one very much.
The humor reminds me somehow of Zombieland and scouts guide to the zombie apocalypse.
The Scenes are well written and the dialog authentic.
Billys dead was somehow obvious, but still very entertaining.
The twist at the end was absolutely awesome.

Great One!

Pedro
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 22
JEStaats
Posted: March 3rd, 2017, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Right out of the gate I see missed words.

Suzy says "She was my second grade teacher." Dammit! Oh well.... Read on my friends!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 22
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Scarefest Script Club  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006