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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Goodbye
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Don
Posted: March 19th, 2017, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Goodbye by Erica B. - Short, Thriller - The hunter becomes the hunted when a woman lures her abusive husband into a death trap before he kills her. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2017, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Erica: I enjoyed this - solid writing.

You had this:


Quoted Text
A PHONE BUZZES. INSERT ON PHONE SCREEN:

CALLER: All set here.


Twice. I was confused by the need for the insert - are we seeing something on the screen? If yes - I would describe it. If no - I would lose it.

Don't think you need all the "cont'ds"

Nice job.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Erica
Posted: March 19th, 2017, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you!  Glad you liked it.

I'll look at that, I originally had:

A PHONE BUZZES, new message.
INSERT PHONE SCREEN: All set here.

I may change it back to that.  The idea is you would see the screen with the message.

As for the (CONTíD), I think that's it's on by default for final draft 10.  I've heard both sides of the argument for this, some say keep them, more for the actor's and some say dump them, more for the readers.  So the debate goes on.

Thanks again for the read.


[url]http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GoodbyeV3a.pdf[/uit.url]
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eldave1
Posted: March 20th, 2017, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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I've seen a couple of approaches. My favorite is something like this:

INSERT PHONE SCREEN - TEXT MESSAGES

CALLER (TEXT)
I'm here for you hun, itís set. Follow the path.

MARY-SUE (TEXT
What if he goes off the path?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: March 20th, 2017, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good. I like the foggy witchcraft feel this leads to.

A couple of small things worth mentioning:

If Earl knows Mary-Sue's sister, seems like he would guess that as the only explanation for what he experiences in the fog. Not sure what you could do about it, though. You don't want the audience in on it yet. You could keep her shrouded in fog but then you lose the doppelganger effect. Might be best to leave it as it is.

The ending feels tacked on to have a twist. Personally, I think it works better without it. I would have ended with the burning tarp, but that's just me. Others may prefer what you have.

Otherwise, it's straightforward and would be easy enough to produce. Good luck with it.


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Erica
Posted: March 20th, 2017, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the read Breanne,

I was a little back and forth on what to reveal or not, that's why I put that comment about Earl thinking she's in Jail to kind of put her out of Earl's mind.

The ending for me is the irony of the story.  I'm fining it's mixed, some like it others not so much, but it does make for a topic of discussion.  I know what I believe happens as I dropped clues in the story, but it's up to the reader or view to draw their own conclusions.


[url]http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GoodbyeV3a.pdf[/uit.url]
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Fausto
Posted: March 21st, 2017, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Erice, I enjoyed the scene descriptions. Very solid. The dialogue is short and to the point. Great.
The idea of twin sisters is good but maybe, just maybe, it should be used with more dialogue (my opinion only). I have noticed that Earl is 50 and Mary Sue 30...twenty years difference, he should be happy to have a wife so young....
All my best with this,
Fausto
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Erica
Posted: March 24th, 2017, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Fausto for the read!


Quoted Text
I have noticed that Earl is 50 and Mary Sue 30...twenty years difference, he should be happy to have a wife so young....


Bullies are never happy


[url]http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GoodbyeV3a.pdf[/uit.url]
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