The Gift by Marc Bryson - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Action, Thriller, Romance - An alien arrives on Earth to provide humanity with gifts that will hopefully save us from annihilating ourselves. She gains the help of a young man to help her on journey, while avoiding government officials attempting to capture and even kill the alien. 119 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Marc,
I read the first 20 pages.  Please note, this is just my opinion.

I think it's taking a little long for the main story to kick in.  I do think you  have an an interesting, enjoyable story cooking. Not exactly a "cheap" screenplay to film.  But that doesn't matter.

The main reasons I've decided to wait for the re-write:

1)  Too "Overwritten" for me.  Negatively impacts the readability.  There's a lot of overwriting!!  Right from the start.  

example:
"BLACK
Silence, pure absolute silence.  Filling the darkness of what appears to be a (typo an) unknown realm.  Everything is submerged within this darkness, the fear of lost light."  Wow? I think filming any of this will be a challenge.

Black, silent, ominous space.  I get it.


A little thick on the adverbs? ie.  (pg 2) " It slowly, silently, and gracefully glides  with..."

Perhaps I'm being a bit too glib.


In addition,

2)  Eliminate all the camera directions, angles.  Director - Producer stuff.
3) Eliminate the "we's"    we hear, we see, we watch.  

Unnecessary stuff:

4)  Does the small, fury ( typo furry), and chubby Gopher have anything to do with advancing the story?

5) Your introduction to Jack scene takes too long I think.  The T.V. segments are unnecessary.  Interesting,  intelligently current but unnecessary;  NEWS ANCHOR, FEMALE REPORTER, WALL STREET MAN, PRESIDENT FOREMAN.  How does any of this advance the story.  Manufactured writing.  Interesting and creative.  Works in a novel maybe not a screenplay.

Same/ same with Jack and the Fridge.  Good writing, cute stuff but do you need all of this?

On the positive side.  I like your characters and their dialogue.  Think it's truthful; believable.

So, just my opinion.  Take it or leave it.

If you do a rewrite, I'll definitely go at it again. Think your story has potential.

Good Writing.

JJ