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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Arms
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Don
Posted: April 17th, 2017, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Arms by Mark Brooks - Short, Drama - A desperate robber enters the wrong pub at opening time when trying to make some easy money.  9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: June 10th, 2017, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

Straight off the bat, we have some issues:


Quoted Text
A MAN, early 30s, is sitting on a bench watching the pub
from a distance. Patient, pensive, hands in his jacket
pockets. This is GRANT.


Why introduce the same character twice in the same block of action. It serves no purpose. "Grant, early 30's" would be fine.

Also, some passive writing which I imagine will continue throughout the script. This would be better, "sits on a bench and watches a/the pub"

Okay, I've finished reading it now.

I enjoyed it, it's a simple yet effective premise. Would be easy to film.

There is a lot of dialogue but it felt natural for the most part. I really enjoyed Adam's monolog from the end of page 6 onto page 7. I usually cringe when I see big blocks of dialogue like that but it was very effective.

I can definitely see something like this being made.

Well done.





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eldave1
Posted: June 10th, 2017, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Similar feedback - opening was clumsy but a great recovery from there.

It is a take told  often but thought you did a solid job with it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RichardR
Posted: June 15th, 2017, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

Nice little tale.  I was hoping that when Alan told his history, he either got one from Grant or earned a bullet.  After all, if Grant really wants to keep from looking over his shoulder every day, he shoots Alan right then.  But that's me.

Good job.

Richard
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Simon
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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Nice story and dialogue. It's good that you gave it depth by putting jokes in there, this wasn't a straightforward robbery scene. Just a thought, but would Grant bother listening to Alan's long speech?


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Dustin
Posted: September 4th, 2017, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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Is the writer around?
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eldave1
Posted: September 4th, 2017, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Is the writer around?


I think other than peeps I know I am going to start off every review with this question before I post note one from now on.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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