I picked this script at random because i was looking at the first ten pages of my script and wanted to see how someone else opens their script.
Strangely enough my script also has a young father diving in the first 10 pages leaving his wife and little girl, although my story follows the little girl.
Iím just telling you this because i canít read all of it (i should really be writing mine) but i thought it a waste not to comment.
I like your opening scene. If the premise is she is dying then theres no point pretending its a secret. I think the V.O is a little awkward but i like the opening image.
TBH i would lose the wedding and beach stuff. We donít need to see them getting married, we will know.
It seems the information you want to get across isÖ
They love each other.
They are having a baby.
He is going to war.
she is scared of being alone.
We should see all this and not have it in dialogue. He can wear his army uniform for the wedding. We can see her bump and what is she really scared of losing?
I think an opening should ask questions and not just be dialogue exposition.
What you have set up is a very good opportunity for contrast. Her relationship with her friend i thought was very good and believable. Again everything can be tightened but i sense you can write characters.
The trouble is when the husband dies, her relationship with her friend is the same.
As they say, you shouldnít really listen to solutions butÖÖ
What if you intercut her birth with his death? As he dies from a battle a new life is born?
Also when the doctor tells her sheís dying, what is she afraid of?
Itís not dying, its not cancer, itís leaving her baby alone in the world.
When the doctor tells her maybe she could just look to her daughter. Says it all?
Sorry, iíve written a lot. Any excuse not to be writing my own.
If i didnít like your script i wouldnít have written anything but i do. It needs tightening and it needs rewrites but with your dialogue cut down it will really benefit and show your writing.
I hope this is alright (my first review). You donít have to listen to me, iím a nobody, just ask my friends and family.