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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Everyone Has Their Own Demons - OWC - Sold! Moderators: Grandma Bear
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Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Everyone Has Their Own Demons by Insert Name Here - Short, Apocalypse, Dramedy, Sci Fi - The willpower of a recovering alcoholic is put to the test when he takes shelter from the apocalypse in a sports bar. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 6th, 2017, 9:36am
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 5:34am Report to Moderator
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Like the title and logline - nice bit of conflict

I enjoyed some bits like the bad day and the random sloth, but whilst we had the devil arrived to challenge him, it did seem to wander of and the rest wasn't for me

Nice idea, has some potential for a contained short.


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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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khamanna
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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I really like the title and the logline here.

John is a bit passive from the very beginning. The rest of them have the best lines and I think it should be the other way around to pull your reader in.

Part of it are funny, it's more of a comedy for me.
Overall I don't see much struggle from John and I wish I did.

The deadly sins  - that's a nice idea.
I didn't get the ending though. The growler must be gluttony?
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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There's some reasonable comedy here and a decent ensemble cast but... I just didn;t buy it, why's Lucifer fucking about in a bar with a bunch of losers when the apocalypse is outside?

Liked the random sloth though, funny!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty good. Not great, but certainly not bad. Lots of typos and unnecessary slugs inside the bar, but nothing that really messed up the read.

John's struggle was obviously with his alcoholism. Facing the end as we know it, he still wouldn't give in to temptation. That was great. I loved the pop star!!!

Wasn't too crazy about Luke entering the story. I would've preferred to just he the rest of the characters deal with the impending doom.

I think I read somethiing similar to this one for that 2 page comp about a comet hitting or such.

Great one week work. I enjoyed the read.  


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Cameron
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Writer!!

The first line had me going, great start. The rest was funny in bits, very surreal (a good thing in my book), and the dialogue held up pretty well. Nice and quirky, and it kinda worky work...ied.

Now, there's an absolute load of missing commas, and grammatical issues, also chuck a "cont'd" in there once and a while. The grammatical issues, that's minus points right there, but I think the content outweighs all that.

A good laugh, kept me entertained, probably not going to win but who really cares?

Cam
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stevemiles
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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Title’s a bit of a mouthful, but the logline works for me.  An alcoholic seeking refuge in a bar during the end of the world...

Sign on the community centre door made me chuckle - sets the tone out of the gate.

I liked where you were going with this with all the disparate characters; though you lost me a little with the appearance of Luke.  I was hoping this would be a little more grounded - but that’s my take.  Figures Lucifer would be a hipster...

Do you still have to hide in the bathroom to do coke in the apocalypse?  Maybe a force of habit…

Wouldn’t the Devil try to trick John into drinking rather than straight up physically forcing him?  Isn’t that part of his M.O.?  Maybe not…  Central idea is a good one - an alcoholic holding onto his commitment even when pitted against the end of the world.  Some amusing lines, John just seemed to blend into events rather than drive the story which doesn’t lead to much by way of a payoff.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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Michael
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.  It's funny and I can relate to it.  ( I have 20 minutes sober )  Kidding..

Good story, and I did like the ending.
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IamGlenn
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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:)

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This one may be on me, because people seem to find this amusing at least. It just wasn't my thing. Maybe I've got a crap sense of humour. That, along with some spelling and grammar mistakes make this one not for me.

But it seems I'm in the minority.


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Conz
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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I like the sound of the logline, reminds me of Shaun of the Dead and Winchester... and I'm really glad there is a "edy" at the end of "dram."

ah man, the opening passage isn't a good start.  few things bug me more than repeating the slug in the action line

shaky dialogue so far.

This Pop Star definitely isn't working as a character.

None of these people are really working as characters, sorry to say.

Bailing.  Sorry.  Probably a twist, but not sticking around for it


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Another pisser...or uh...comedy?

Doesn't seem to be a serious entry, not funny, loaded with writing mistakes of every kind to the point it does seem to be intentionally taking a piss.

I'm out.  No grade.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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I think if the world was ending, the AA meetings would be open and packed.

However, moving on. This one has a lot of charm and potential. There's parts were it is funny, parts where it is way over the top and parts where it is serious. The tone mix isn't quite there yet but it could be, it's just finding that balance.

I liked the mix of characters in the Bar. A bit Shaun of the Dead but it could work. Luke appearing at the end was a bit off but again, just needs a bit of work. At the moment he's a bit too explainy.

It seems like you maybe ran out of pages and time. I'd like to see John save the day. He, of all the people in the bar has the most demons and yet he's managed to resist them for a year. If an alcoholic was going to slip, the apocalypse would be the perfect excuse and yet he continues fighting despite knowing it is all over.

That is noble, he deserves a better ending than dropping his token in the gutter.

I do like this, very decent effort - lots of subtext, I'd encourage the writer to continue working on it outside the OWC.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Heretic
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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1 - "Just typical..." Could probably leave this as a visual joke.

7 - The gag about them not recognizing "Luke" is extremely funny and could probably bear another couple of guessed names before the reveal.

9 - Sloth - again, the visual gag is so funny, and it's undercut by having him say the word out loud.
Not a fan of them holding him down -- this gets ride of the choice that I always took to be central when it comes to ol' Lucifer (and drama too, I suppose!). I wonder if there's something else Luke can do that's unfair but stops short of outright force?

***

Quick, funny, creative. Good stuff. I think Luke shows up a bit late, and I think his central goal here is a little unclear. Rewrites just need to pare down anything that isn't immediately funny or dramatic, though. My personal preference would be to ground the tone a tiny bit more so that the surrealism creeps up on you -- give the characters names, dial them back a little, and so on -- but that's just preference.

Enjoyed this one.
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DanC
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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You spelled favorite as favourite so, I'm assuming the writer is a Brit.

Well, I didn't really care for this one.  Lots of bad slugs.  Very cliched stereotypes.  

Even SPOILERS
The devil was a stereotype.  And I'd never get lucifer from Luke.  Luci, yes, or Lucy, but, Luke?  I was thinking Luke from the Bible at first...

There is a story here.  But, it needs an overhaul.  We don't know what the apocalypse is, and why wouldn't AA be open for that?  I'd think churches and such places would be packed.

Good luck
Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Gum
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Few more to go, I might as well start here.
This was humorous enough; I got a kick out of some of the visuals, references, etc. Never been to an ‘AA’ meeting, so, not familiar with the sobriety tokens but, with a bit ‘o deductive reasoning will assume it means he’s been on the wagon for at least a year… like a Cub Scout Badge.

Not entirely down with his concern about being sober re: an apocalypse, I mean… really? I’ve never shot heroin but I hear that it’s the ‘be all end all’ of mind trips and, I tell ya’, if the world was gonna’ end soon… I’d probably be all over that shit like a fat kid on a Smartie.

I also got a kick out of the Se7en sins integration into the main theme and, Luke showing up to get the end of the world party started. The bar could have had a different name IMO, cause I thought we were gonna’ be introduced to some crazy mythological beings on flaming steed, or… y’ know. Only other gripe is the other patrons, their generic names that is, which kind of pulled me away from their own personal dilemma, etc. Overall, it was a fun read, well done.
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