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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Play Dead - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Play Dead - OWC  (currently 2378 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Play Dead by Stephen Wells (SteveUK)  writing as Anonymous 3 - Short, Apocalypse, Horror, YA - In the aftermath of the zombie apocalypse, one man believes he has the perfect strategy to survive, but what will his plan cost him? 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 7th, 2017, 2:01pm
revised draft
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Good script.

I was beginning to think it was losing focus, and had too many flashbacks, but the ending brought it together.

I think it could do without the last bit of dialogue, about checking and burrying him, for punch I would just have him shot and know it's his son

Well done.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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khamanna
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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This is a really good one. A recomended read and I'll learn from you. Thanks.
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Cameron
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Yeh this is a goody. Cleverly written, a real feel to it, and it's got a nice twist too.

Not much to say really, I thoroughly enjoyed it and can't really find any faults worth mentioning.

Well done

Cam
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Zack
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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This one works all the way around. Really good storytelling on display. Read it straight through, so that's always good.

Only noticed a couple of typos, besides that this one was very polished.

Tragic ending that I didn't see coming, so more props there.

Easily one of my favorites so far. Great job!

~Zack~
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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This was starting to meander for me and I was losing patience with the VO... but then the twist end redeemed it!

I think this could be shortened a little to get to the end quicker, but is a pretty solid entry,

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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The best 'shorts, imh are always short simple effective ideas. You nailed it with this one.

Title: Big tick.
Logline: Big tick.

Story: At first I thought, oh no you're not using that 'ol trick, but then you gave it a great twist. Surprised it hasn't been done before actually.

I think they'll be coming out of the woodwork to produce this one. Hordes of them.  
Well done.

Just want to add a couple of typo corrections for you.:

lie not lay
'Several of the dead lie...'

You've written 'lie' correctly everywhere else so maybe a true typo.

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie
Above just in case.

aisle not isle (the latter is a small island)



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  April 23rd, 2017, 2:10am
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Conz
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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as I said in the other zombie script review, I'll try not to show a bias, as i don't believe anything fresh can ever come from this genre again.  hopefully you change my mind...

... hey, you kinda did it.  cool.  we've seen people act like zombies 100 times, but to actually base a story around that isn't a bad idea at all.  props for that.

that being said, i would have really liked it if you tried to go about about this is a way other than voiceover.  it kinda cheapens it to me.

this isn't bad so far, but flashbacks now.  just seems like a cool idea but you took the easy way out with that and VO.  I'm rushing to judgement though... maybe... probably.

Ok, this is pretty good overall.  I'm nitpicking with the VO and Flashback critiques.  it's your script, I'm not gonna tell you ways I would have tried to write it to avoid the VO.  the flashback paid off in a nice way too.

While the zombie stuff was as generic and derivative as it always is, showing it through the eyes of a character pretending to be a zombie was a good angle.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
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LC
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting comment Conz. If the writer had not used voice over it would have entailed him relating his tale to another character while on the run.

The story would have been a much messier monster imh.  

I'm a big fan of V.O. so...

I'll be interested to hear after the challenge (don't won't to load this thread) how otherwise Conz you think this could be any more effective.


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Conz
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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i don't think you ever need the whole "how it happened" stuff, so that eliminates some dialogue.   he sees someone innocent running, and whispers for them to follow him.  we get our first look at him in his zombie get up.

there could have been a scene with him and that person laying low, and he tells them his methods of survival.  he gets all his backstory out in that scene, and the other person thinks he's nuts... immediately gets killed.  so the next few pages are all action, wouldn't even need dialogue until the climactic stuff.

... but again, I'm not trying to re-write the script.  I'm really not, just offering an alternative take.  i still liked it


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Never repeat your Slug in the opening line of a passage...especially not your very first.  Poor start.

Oh no...another script with the main character named "man".

Extremely cliche so far.  VO, poorly formatted Flashbacks, characters with several different names...this ain't working for me at all.

Not for me, I'm afraid.  No named characters is a big mistake.

How's "the son" still alive?  And the mom?  Did I miss something in one of those Flashbacks?

2.5 is all I can throw out here.
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JEStaats
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I almost quit reading with the V.O. until I realized that it wasn't just a narrator. Maybe if that was made clear earlier, it wouldn't have distracted me so much. Agree that the backstory of how it all came to be could be shortened or lost all together. And agree that the son's dialog at the end could be lessened for more impact.

All in all, liked it. Good work!
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stevemiles
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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Title works with the logline - sounds like an entertaining idea.  I’m in…  Zombies can work as long as there’s something fresh.  The Walking Dead have kind of made it a tough gig but...  

Nicely written - world feels grounded and ‘real’ with a story that pulls me along.  As a W.D fan, it’s hard for me to see past the whole ‘blending in’ angle; but despite that I actually liked where you took it.  I’m not sure I quite get the logic of Trapper Hat partaking in the eating - a step too far?  Other than that there’s a certain irony to the situation that carries this to a satisfying payoff.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Michael
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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I never liked a lot of narration, but as I kept reading I liked it.  Good story, Very ironic at the end.  Aint life a bitch..
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Ryan1
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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It's been stated many times before, but the undead genre is about as fresh as a zombie's underpants.  The script read quickly and easily, but just about everything in the story I'd seen before in Walking Dead.  Virus spreading like wildfire.  Covering yourself with zombie guts to walk unnoticed.  Hiding from psycho survivors.  

One gruesomely nice touch was Trapper Hat joining in the feast on the fat guy's body.

The down ending was a good idea, but detailing the son's age would have been a way to show the passage of time.  I was confused how long Trapper Hat had been out there alone.

Why is a "Middle Aged Survivor" with the son and not the Wife?  Would have been a more impactful and tragic scene if the two of them had been searching for the Trapper all this time, only to shoot him.  
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