Yes! Put Mum in the picture.

Far more heart wrenching.

Not sure about this. The constant V.O. was pretty grating and I don't think the end packed as much punch as you wanted it to. Not for me anyway.

It's pretty well written and pretty original for a zombie story. Although "playing dead" has been done before.

I could imagine this one playing out well on screen.

This is very well written from a description and action point of view. It's easy to follow, the flow is smooth.

The V.O. is not needed at all. It cheapens this. For example, as an experiment, if take ALL the VO from the first two pages, can you figure out everything that is going on from the action? Yes you can, the VO adds nothing. The same can be said pretty much for all of it, apart from the Son aspect. You sacrifice a lot to get this in so you can do the twist.

I would argue, with a little bit of tweeking you can get everything you need across with no VO and it would be a lot more powerful.

As it is though, the Zombie thing has literally been done to death and this one offers nothing new.

Most of this is very much like Walking Dead, right down to the using zombie gore smothered all over themselves to blend in, with a bit of Zombieland thrown in. The ending was a decent attempt at a twist, but again, being mistaken for a zombie and killed by accident has also been done quite a lot, going as far back as the ending to the original Night of the Living Dead.

So top marks for me for the overall writing but not many for the dialogue and originality factor.

-Mark

I agree with the other comments.  Pretty clever idea.

I do think it needs some tightening up.  The VO does get a bit old.  

I LOVED the twist.  That was amazing...

It would have been better if he had looked up and seen his kids' hat.

OMG, imagine if he sees his kid's hat in a distance as he's biting the flesh.  He raises his head and even stands up, slowly, perhaps loses his balance.  Right as he gets shot in the head...

And perhaps they can see the tears and read his diary or something about his idea to play dead...

This will get sold too, I'm sure...

Dan

With zombie scripts, you have like twenty seconds to get to the unique hook.

3 - So these images; we've seen them all before. I say cut it all. First shot, Trapper hat in a crowd of zombies. Second shot, reveal Man. I've gotten very tired of looking at shots of empty streets while listening to voiceovers about plagues, and I'm not alone.

7 - I'm also for cutting al the V.O., while I'm at it. The visuals are telling a clear story and we'd think of these things without the V.O. spelling them out. Show us the photo, we understand the regret. Show us the sadistic looks on the Bikers' faces, we get the sorts of things he must have seen survivors do.

***

Reaching the end, I'm more sure than ever that I think you should cut the V.O. Sneak a couple lines in for Man, cut all the V.O...imagine how powerful that dialogue is gonna come through after eight minutes of silence.

I really like the story here. I gotta vote for just cutting out every zombie cliché, especially at the front end. I don't care about empty cities, the plague spreading, what survivors did, etc. I just wanna know about this one guy's experience, because it's an interesting and well-told story.

So it's a unique enough zombie story, I think, but it'd be good to prove it right from the start. It's also not entirely clear, I don't think, why he needs to actually eat...it doesn't seem like zombies would put two and two together if he didn't. But maybe that vagueness kinda works...maybe he's kinda living like a zombie anyway, which is exactly the point.

I would call this my favourite so far if it weren't about zombies. But then it kinda has to be zombies. A solid piece of work, anyway!

Hi Writer,

Zombie script… been there done that, kind of (or, Binder Dundat). This definitely had a unique angle, for me at least, cause I’ll be honest, I don’t watch much zombie shit, and I never got onto the Walking Dead thing, so ya… pretty cool.

Bummed out it ended the way it did actually. Even the Son stated he thought he saw tears on the Man’s face. I would have liked the Son to have held off for a moment to gauge the interaction of this one particular zombie… he is a hunter after all, and should be able to overcome and adapt to situations while in the field, including studying his prey for irregularities of the mutating virus.

I’m obviously in the majority, if there’s a majority, of having them ‘Unite’. That would have been the cat’s ass. Great visuals, methodical, smooth pace and, easy to get into and through. Well done.

Well presented opening. Then I don't understand the flashback since the first scenes imply the zombies just arose, so you'd be originally chronological correct - let's see.

You choose a complicated way of explaining Trapper Hat zombie is not truly a zombie. Be more reader-friendly with such stuff and draw out a better concept to guide us clearer, same with all the flashbacks. Not only the slugs - the content and descriptions should serve some orientation as well . VO's are a bit overloaded and could need a further cutting and polishing. Whatever, nothing of big concern to me: all these things can be easily fixed imo.

It's a creative zombie story. Very hard to impress me in the undead-genre and it was definitely entertaining. Especially the character driven core of a guy successfully imitating he's a monster did work well.

Okay, it wasn't completely what I was expecting. But it was pretty damn clever and it worked well all around. The only thing I wasn't crazy about was all the voice over, but in considering it, I don't know how else you could have done it, though.

Great job here.

Gary

I didn't pick this one because of the logline. The writer can definitely improve on it, IMHO. I read it because someone whispered in my ear that I should read it. Boy am I glad I did. This one was awesome. It hit all the spots IMO. The ending being the irony of being killed not by zombies, but the survivors is great. Not just any survivors, btw...

Excellent job, writer!  

And for all the people whining about the V.O, this is a great example where it works!!!!!

Shades of Bill Murray in Zombieland. That was my first thought.

The twist at the end definitely saves it. The problem is getting there.

But wait, I thought the Son and Wife died in the cabin fire. But they're still alive?

It's solidly written. But before the twist it's just another zombie story.

Nice title and logline.

First page tells us everything we need to know. You get all the setup out of the way. Nice.

Beautiful descriptions.

Had to Google what a trapper hat was. Reminds me of Cousin Eddie.

P3 I think I get the title now. Aha! Called t.

Quoted Text Playing dead is what keeps me alive.

I love this line, especially the irony.

Quoted Text And I intend to stay alive.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive

Oh not I, I will survive

That's a big Twinkie.

Quoted Text I. Will. Survive.

At first, I was afraid, I was petrified.

Wow. Didn't expect that ending. Beautiful, sad, gory. Bravo!

This is one of the best ones I've read. I didn't spot one mistake or issue, other than you could have maybe written more on page 10.

Excellent job.

Love your title and your logline.

Great writing on display here. We really feel for Trapper Hat. I have to admit I kinda figured it out before the ending. But it was still great.

One of my favorites. Good job.

This seemed like the same old, same old until the Trapper started eating people. There's a pretty good concept here and a decent ending too.

I wonder if the Trapper’s cannibalism wouldn't work better put upfront in the story. Right now there's two interesting twists back to back. The second twist diminishes the power of the first one because there's no time to reflect on it. If you played the cannibalism card from the get go, you could still tell the story of what brought the guy to this point while saving the cruelest twist (that his family never actually died) for the end.

Like I said, there's good ideas here, but right now it only works upon reflection. Reveal the information in a different order and you can get this to work in the moment, rather than after it's over.

Two different thoughts that kind of work together:

First, I don't have a problem with the voice over and flashback, but too often they're telling us things that anyone familiar with the zombie genre would already know. The “humans are the true danger” beat isn't only familiar, it's completely lost on this family centric story.

Second, I think a father would need to see more than a cabin on fire to be convinced his family is dead. I, personally, would be searching endlessly for them. Maybe that's what the flashbacks and narration should really be detailing. Not the well known details of the zombie apocalypse, but this guy’s exhaustive, unfruitful search for his family. There's a lot of journey between “I think my family's dead” and “I eat human flesh now”. Almost none of it is covered here.

It may seem like I'm coming down particularly hard on this one. Truth is it just got me thinking a lot. It's definitely one of the best I've read so far.

Writer,

Good job! Narration, I thought, read pretty natural, and you painted the action and the landscape well. And you threw in a nice twist that I only saw coming just before it happened, so good there, too. One of the better reads this go round.

Steve

Lots of V.O I've noticed in these scripts to set the stage for the Apocalypse. Maybe it's because I've read a bazillion scripts by now by it's growing old. I think your story might be stronger without the VO at the beginning. Show, don't tell right?

Nice tripping over a dead body. I like that and think it would play well on screen.

Oh, ok, a man playing dead as a zombie! LOL. Now the title is cracking me up. I guess the VO is a bit more acceptable now. Funny concept.

The Twinkie bit would be stronger if you played up the tension to the max. I love the idea of a Twinkie becoming the ultimate test of his willpower and it's right in front of him, tempting in all it's creamy spongy goodness.

Oh damn, nice ending!

First of all, major props for a proper zombie apocalypse script. I thought the OWC would be filled with em and ended up being a bit sad I hadn't really read one yet. I have never seen an episode of the Walking Dead (I'm that guy) so though these ideas may seem old to some, I really liked em all. This kinda comes off as a sad black comedy to me because Trapper Hat has obviously lost a bit of his mind from playing dead for so long. Just the idea of a guy covered in guts and gore like everyday is Halloween is amusing to me to no end.

The one weakness is that there is no real story or conflict here. It's just Trapper Hat's daily routine. It's interesting to see the depth's he sunk to to survive but it does start wearing a little thin towards the end. However the ending changes that quickly. It seems a bit random that the son just stumbles upon dad though. Maybe show in the flashback Trapper teaching his son how to track and stalk prey. I like the man with the son as it implies Mom has hooked up with another guy and is a bit more tragic.

Pretty sweet script! Glad I squeezed in this read before the deadline!