Nero by Prodigy - Short, Apocalypse, Action, Adventure - A survivor and his AI companion navigate the dilapidated ruins of an abandoned city overrun by aggressive technology scavengers and disease.  13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi writer,

Very ambitious… maybe too ambitious to understand what was actually was transpiring at times. We follow a man on his way to some transmission tower, seemingly on the look out for ‘A’ number 0ne… himself.

However, his conscience is interrupted when he realizes that a young girl is about to have a ‘Scalper’ train up on her, so… brownie points for having your Protag do a 180 degrees to risk his life to salvage hers. I like the Scalper concept you have envisioned for a future gone to hell; digitized pirates of some nature that came off a bit confusing but, creepy and surreal.

Nero could probably have his humor percentage dropped a bit IMO… quite a bit actually; most of their banter was too OTN and, frankly out of scope re: the dire situation. Overall, good job cramming an epic tale into 12 pages, you seem to have a penchant for non-stop action sequences. With respect to the overall story, I’m somewhat at a loss as to how the world somehow became derelict and overgrown with weeds… everywhere. Best of luck.

Someone likes them some Fallout 4. Me too.

I loved it. Great start to the OWC. This was funny, action packed, and had a complete story. Very well written and paced. Never once did it drag. you are very good at writing action scene. I could picture it all so well.

I laughed at the "Shrimp soda" gag. Funny scene.

I really enjoyed the dialog. Some great banter.

You actually surprised me with that ending.

Great job on this. I hope the rest are this good.

~Zack~

Hey writer,

Straight off, I ain't a sci-fi fan, but I've gotta give it to you, that script worked pretty well for me.

Positives. It's an active, relentless, action driven plot. Nero works well, he's kinda Jonny 5, strapped to your wrist, with a little bit more attitude. I was never bored, it's funny in parts but overall action packed carnage. Have you seen the last Mad Max recently? Smacked of that for some reason, that's a good thing.

Negatives. A good few typos in there, could have done with another scan or two. I understand where you were going with it, but I'm not sure the "form a line" dialogue is really required, a bit too much. Is this to do with an apocalypse? It could easily be argued it's mid apocalypse so I guess so.

Anyway, as above, the positives far outweigh the negatives so a bloody good job.

Cam

Yes, very Fallout. Not that there's anything wrong with that - although I'm a Tombraider fan myself.  

Not bad overall. I do admit to scanning some, and for I presume, one of the earlier entries, you deserve a rap over the knuckles for all the typos. That said, not a wow piece but I like the vibe.

One of the better loglines too. Title is obviously very Matrix, but it suits.

I sure hope this whole script isn't about "Man".  Why would you choose not to name your main character?

The 5 line passage on page 1 does not read well and we're once again off to a poor start.

And now the mistakes pop up...all over the place.

I'm getting a Fallout vibe, and I love Fallout, but not liking this at all.  Seems like you're going for some humor, but it ain't working, sorry to say.

So, looks like zero named characters?  How can I give a shit about anyone if no one even has a name?  Well, I don't.

Alice?  RE? Oh man...

Nothing new here, way too long for what it is, and just a chore to get through.

It's another 2, I'm afraid.

I don't think it was as bad as Jeff said, however, like someone told me, if you don't take the time to name your main protag, then why should we care?  

Lots of typos and other errors.  

I loved fallout, but, this felt a bit flat to me.  The lack of names really irked me.

Dan

Why did all the scalpers have wires coming out of them? Lost me with that.  The leader rubbing his arm and getting hard for a computer chip is out there.  Lots of random scenes with no where to go.

The shrimp scene was funny... I can relate to that.

As one writer to another, good job we just have different perspectives...

This one did it for me, never a dull moment and the ending is awesome.

I guess Nero is based on the pip-boy 3000? But this one has actual AI in it, which is very nice. Did the man activate Nero to send out some frequency to draw in the viral dogs at the end, it's not very clear but I could have easily missed it.

Good job.

The first one I've read that's set after an apocalypse in a lovely dystopian future.

The last script I wrote was set in such a future and was also about a guy travelling with his A.I. with a sense of humor (mine was in a toy robot) so I really identified with this and I enjoyed it a lot.

You give enough information about this world for me to use my imagination and to form an opinion as to what has happened, without having to spoon-feed it to me and use lots of exposition. I like that.

The aim of the quest (the relay tower) isn't really important. Just like Stephen King's Dark Tower it's all about the journey, the actions and who we meet along the way.

I think you should give man a name but apart from that I think this ticks all the boxes, was creative and a joy to read.

-Mark

Logline - a little too much going on in this one, but we get a flavour

Look, there's a lot going on in this one, and it could do with a real good polish, but I rather liked it.

It reminded me of a 70's film where in a apocalypse world, the hero could only go out during daylight to avoid being attacked by scavengers type things.

Nero was good, reminded me of the recent Star Wars film, but you just have to be a little careful with the use.

The man dying, in quite a sacrificial  way did feel a little off, but the handing over to another is fine.

For a weeks work this is a sound entry.

Seems like a strong sci-fi premise.

what is the harm in naming characters?  so many of these scripts feature MAN

Nero is a little too quippy already for me.  i like it, but there were 3 jokes in rapid succession, and that seems like overkill already at this point.

that Scalper Leader dialogue about being hard's gotta go.  that brought my read to a screeching halt.

Nero just turned into Bubba from Forrest Gump.  a nod?  funny scene, but maybe not important.  seeing Man get food is fine, but turning it into a comedy bit in the middle of this didn't break the tension so much as it shifted the tone for me.

ooof, that route sixty six line...

Not really getting a sense on just how powerful Nero is that he can affect everyone else's low-grade tech.

turn up for what?!  come on...

I guess the whole not naming the man thing was because he was expendable.   and i guess "Alice" was supposed to have a lot more impact  on me b/c of it, but i still don't think there was any harm in naming him.  We're with him the entire story.

The story is cool, it's familiar but the Nero angle takes it far enough away from the norm that it was worth it.

I appreciate the attempts at humor, but it still felt off tonally. there's definitely ways to blend humor into tense chase stories like this, but a lot of lines didn't land. I wanted Nero to be more subtle with his humor.  he had a few lines that just stuck out. i.e. his alarm talk, "shooty one" "Usain Bolt" (but i did like that he immediately gave a wiki passage bio on him) etc.  

it's weird, i like the tech you decided to go with, but this type of humor would sound considerably better coming from an android companion or something.  like an actual robot.  i didn't want that, this didn't need that, but the way Nero spoke was more suited for an actual character as opposed to a VO AI

pretty good effort though

Your title is not centered

Very imaginative so far and pretty cool to follow – then, on page 7, it almost seems you develop a feature script here. The Asian Store is a completely character and tone defining exposition scene that drives nothing forward at this point… ON PAGE 7. Don't get me wrong, I like watching him there and it's also skillful presented -- but in context of what I've seen till now and with only a few pages left to go, this humorous driven scene feels fully unbalanced.

Okaaay, the ending with the dogs hasn't been extremely to my liking. Whatever, the rest is great and with some money and specialists in the back, surely this script would make a great SF-action movie. Very good.

I'm not an Overwatch guy but I get the vibe you're going for here.  Pretty good world you've created here and it hummed along pretty well.  Nero is a pretty strong character -- liked him a lot.  Not sure I was totally on board with the ending, but hey, I think it's probably going to work for a majority  of the readers.

Strong effort here.

All the best,
Gary

Title doesn’t grab but I suspect it’ll make sense later.  Post-apocalyptic landscapes work for me - danger and uncertainty with an AI angle.  Do you need ‘dilapidated’ and ‘ruins’ in the log?

MAN
The world ran out of good ideas
years ago.

Nice line.

Why are five armed men running from a dog?  A big, rabid dog perhaps, but still…

Do you really need the Asian supermarket scene?  - Not that it’s bad.

Skinny Scalper is watching You Tube?  Not quite sure what we’re seeing here.

Storywise, this was entertaining enough at the outset; imaginative, if a little short on logic in places.  The antenna gives you a goal that I stuck around to see play out and the back and forth between The Man and Nero had its moments.  I dug the cyber punk world these characters inhabit and kind of understand how (a virus spread by dogs?) we’ve reached this apocalypse.  

The Scalpers taking the little girl raised the tension but unfortunately that’s where you started to lose me.  A little too much convenience for me to go along with.  The dogs suddenly turn up and only attack the Scalpers.  Then The Man just disappears - your main character, who I’ve been following for the past eleven pages just vanishes.  What am I missing here?  Was he a ghost or a hologram all along?  It’s got that final selfless sacrifice moment about it but it’s hard to know what to feel as the outcome was frustratingly vague.