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I haven't read anything in a while but thought Iíd get back into the swing of things.
So first up it's quite well written with regards to technique and format. I just didn't feel it had the substance to back it up.
I had several issues throughout.
Your character descriptions are so bland and unoriginal, surely you can come up with something better than this:
SARAH, 20s, blonde and pretty, sits at a table with her date, JAMES, 30s, dark and handsome.
The dialogue is on the nose, your characters literally say exactly what they're thinking which leaves no room for subtext, for example:
SARAH This place is really nice. JAMES Its Michelin starred. SARAH Really? You sure know how to spoil a girl on the first date. JAMES Only the best for someone as beautiful as you. Sarah is flattered. SARAH Youíre not too shabby yourself.
SARAH Now, where were we? They kiss. James pulls away and stares at Sarah with hungry eyes. JAMES Right around the part where I kill you. He smiles wickedly, revealing bloodthirsty fangs. Sarah backs away in fear. SARAH Oh, my god. What the hell are you? 4. Jamesís face contorts into a mask of pure evil. A hideous, demonic being. JAMES Iím a vampire, you stupid bitch! SARAH But I donít understand? James laughs maniacally. JAMES Thatís what I love about online dating. Itís the perfect hunting ground for people like me. Sarahís fear gives way to anger. SARAH Youíre absolutely right. It is the perfect hunting ground. But that cuts both ways. James looks at her, confused. SARAH (CONTíD) For the record, Iím not stupid... Sarah pulls out a wooden stake concealed in her robe. SARAH (CONTíD) ...But I am a bitch! She slowly circles James like a predator stalking its prey. SARAH (CONTíD) And just so you know. My parents didnít just die. They were murdered. Killed by you and your bloodsucking friends!
So much of the dialogue is expositional. Let the actions tell the story not the words, or at the very least go for a better mix.
You have a few unfilmables. So if a script is meant to be visual it would be better for you to explain how these actions look rather than how they are written currently, for example:
Sarah is flattered
A hint of attraction.
He starts undressing Sarah with his eyes
What are they physically doing that shows this happening, we canít read their minds.
This exchange was just cringeworhty:
SARAH Nothing. Why donít I slip into something a little more comfortable first? JAMES How about I just slip into you instead? SARAH You donít waste any time, do you? JAMES I like to make the most of my nights.
I think some of you slugs can be turned into mini slugs once inside the house, but that's no big deal. I think it would just make the read flow slightly better.
As far as the story as a whole, not sure it was horrific in any way. Pretty generic stuff.
So again, I think the formal part is good, the content just needs work.
'Oh my God, what the hell are you?' Up until this point I thought your script was pretty good. Even though Sarah knew James was a vampire, you still could have given the former a bigger reaction. From there, I think the writing was a little silly and underdeveloped and all the action kind of came out of nowhere. It was all a bit one sided, too. Maybe you could have given the vampire a little more power, to make things more interesting.