SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 26th, 2017, 11:10am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Always Looking for Good Short Scripts and Good Short Script Reviewers

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Dark Date
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dark Date  (currently 210 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: May 13th, 2017, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11364
Posts Per Day
1.87
Dark Date by John Cowdell - Short, Horror - A young woman soon discovers the dangers of online dating when she invites a handsome stranger back to her apartment after their date. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
883
Posts Per Day
1.83
Hi,

I haven't read anything in a while but thought Iíd get back into the swing of things.

SPOILERS

So first up it's quite well written with regards to technique and format. I just didn't feel it had the substance to back it up.

I had several issues throughout.

Your character descriptions are so bland and unoriginal, surely you can come up with something better than this:


Quoted Text
SARAH, 20s, blonde and pretty, sits at a table with her date,
JAMES, 30s, dark and handsome.


The dialogue is on the nose, your characters literally say exactly what they're thinking which leaves no room for subtext, for example:


Quoted Text
SARAH
This place is really nice.
JAMES
Its Michelin starred.
SARAH
Really? You sure know how to spoil
a girl on the first date.
JAMES
Only the best for someone as
beautiful as you.
Sarah is flattered.
SARAH
Youíre not too shabby yourself.

and

SARAH
Now, where were we?
They kiss. James pulls away and stares at Sarah with hungry
eyes.
JAMES
Right around the part where I kill
you.
He smiles wickedly, revealing bloodthirsty fangs. Sarah backs
away in fear.
SARAH
Oh, my god. What the hell are you?
4.
Jamesís face contorts into a mask of pure evil. A hideous,
demonic being.
JAMES
Iím a vampire, you stupid bitch!
SARAH
But I donít understand?
James laughs maniacally.
JAMES
Thatís what I love about online
dating. Itís the perfect hunting
ground for people like me.
Sarahís fear gives way to anger.
SARAH
Youíre absolutely right. It is the
perfect hunting ground. But that
cuts both ways.
James looks at her, confused.
SARAH (CONTíD)
For the record, Iím not stupid...
Sarah pulls out a wooden stake concealed in her robe.
SARAH (CONTíD)
...But I am a bitch!
She slowly circles James like a predator stalking its prey.
SARAH (CONTíD)
And just so you know. My parents
didnít just die. They were
murdered. Killed by you and your
bloodsucking friends!


So much of the dialogue is expositional. Let the actions tell the story not the words, or at the very least go for a better mix.

You have a few unfilmables. So if a script is meant to be visual it would be better for you to explain how these actions look rather than how they are written currently, for example:


Quoted Text
Sarah is flattered

A hint of attraction.

He starts undressing Sarah with his eyes


What are they physically doing that shows this happening, we canít read their minds.

This exchange was just cringeworhty:


Quoted Text
SARAH
Nothing. Why donít I slip into
something a little more comfortable
first?
JAMES
How about I just slip into you
instead?
SARAH
You donít waste any time, do you?
JAMES
I like to make the most of my
nights.


I think some of you slugs can be turned into mini slugs once inside the house, but that's no big deal. I think it would just make the read flow slightly better.

As far as the story as a whole, not sure it was horrific in any way. Pretty generic stuff.

So again, I think the formal part is good, the content just needs work.

Best of luck with it


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
Simon
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 5:21am Report to Moderator
Purple


English, self taught comedy writer

Location
London
Posts
185
Posts Per Day
0.21
'Oh my God, what the hell are you?' Up until this point I thought your script was pretty good. Even though Sarah knew James was a vampire, you still could have given the former a bigger reaction. From there, I think the writing was a little silly and underdeveloped and all the action kind of came out of nowhere. It was all a bit one sided, too. Maybe you could have given the vampire a little more power, to make things more interesting.


Please visit and like/follow my Unsubscribe fan page https://www.facebook.com/The-Unsubscribe-Tribe-157356154842321/
.... or my Twitter page https://twitter.com/TheUnsubTribe†(Ideally follow both).† I will return the favour. Also, check out the Unsubscribe trailer... :O :O :O https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kDbJm1VhSI
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006