I haven't read anything in a while but thought Iíd get back into the swing of things.
So first up it's quite well written with regards to technique and format. I just didn't feel it had the substance to back it up.
I had several issues throughout.
Your character descriptions are so bland and unoriginal, surely you can come up with something better than this:
SARAH, 20s, blonde and pretty, sits at a table with her date,
JAMES, 30s, dark and handsome.
The dialogue is on the nose, your characters literally say exactly what they're thinking which leaves no room for subtext, for example:
This place is really nice.
Its Michelin starred.
Really? You sure know how to spoil
a girl on the first date.
Only the best for someone as
beautiful as you.
Sarah is flattered.
Youíre not too shabby yourself.
Now, where were we?
They kiss. James pulls away and stares at Sarah with hungry
Right around the part where I kill
He smiles wickedly, revealing bloodthirsty fangs. Sarah backs
away in fear.
Oh, my god. What the hell are you?
Jamesís face contorts into a mask of pure evil. A hideous,
Iím a vampire, you stupid bitch!
But I donít understand?
James laughs maniacally.
Thatís what I love about online
dating. Itís the perfect hunting
ground for people like me.
Sarahís fear gives way to anger.
Youíre absolutely right. It is the
perfect hunting ground. But that
cuts both ways.
James looks at her, confused.
For the record, Iím not stupid...
Sarah pulls out a wooden stake concealed in her robe.
...But I am a bitch!
She slowly circles James like a predator stalking its prey.
And just so you know. My parents
didnít just die. They were
murdered. Killed by you and your
So much of the dialogue is expositional. Let the actions tell the story not the words, or at the very least go for a better mix.
You have a few unfilmables. So if a script is meant to be visual it would be better for you to explain how these actions look rather than how they are written currently, for example:
Sarah is flattered
A hint of attraction.
He starts undressing Sarah with his eyes
What are they physically doing that shows this happening, we canít read their minds.
This exchange was just cringeworhty:
Nothing. Why donít I slip into
something a little more comfortable
How about I just slip into you
You donít waste any time, do you?
I like to make the most of my
I think some of you slugs can be turned into mini slugs once inside the house, but that's no big deal. I think it would just make the read flow slightly better.
As far as the story as a whole, not sure it was horrific in any way. Pretty generic stuff.
So again, I think the formal part is good, the content just needs work.
Best of luck with it