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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  In God You Trust Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 20th, 2017, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In God You Trust by Bernard Mersier - Horror - A demon hell bent on killing God waits for a woman with a pure soul to place a sapphire ring on in attempts to corrupt her soul causing a reverse Adam and Eve. 111 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 8th, 2018, 11:35am
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HyperMatt
Posted: September 23rd, 2017, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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The first slug line: EXT. SLAVE QUARTERS (1874) - SOUTH CAROLINA - NIGHT, It should read.

'EXT. SLAVE QUARTERS - NIGHT'

and below that, preferably after the first paragraph of action 'SUPER: SOUTH CAROLINA 1874', a title card seems the best way to show the audience the time and the setting.


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HyperMatt
Posted: September 23rd, 2017, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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And I'd advise to upload the script again without the watermark. It's distracting.


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Tyler King
Posted: September 24th, 2017, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Is the writer around? From here on out, I am going to read the first few (and only the first few) pages of every script, give a little feedback, and then wait to see if the writer is around. If they aren't, why bother wasting time reading, right?

First of all, I agree about the watermark. I personally think it is distracting as well... while I didn't really notice any SPELLING errors, you do have a lot of "ing" words which typical screenplay rules tell you to avoid.

Now granted, a lot of people these days are saying that screenwriting rules are out the window, and that some "ing" words are okay (which I do agree with)... you personally (IMO) have WAY TOO MANY of them, and it makes reading it very distracting. And this is only page 1. Not a good way to start if you ask me.

The logline sounds intriguing, too, which is a shame. I may read a little more (if the writer is around) but other than that, there's my feedback. so far.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 25th, 2017, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but the logline is just awful.  So awkwardly phrased it actually sounds like English may not be your first language.

In terms of "ing words", the issue is passive writing.  You want to stay clear from writing passively, as action doesn't read well when written passively.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dustin
Posted: September 25th, 2017, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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It's also worth pointing out that it is more specifically 'ing verbs' that are the issue, not 'ing' words. Sing and being would both be perfectly fine.

Even 'ing' verbs are fine so long as you know how to use them. It's a little like 'ly' adverbs.
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Tyler King
Posted: September 25th, 2017, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Sorry, but the logline is just awful.  So awkwardly phrased it actually sounds like English may not be your first language.

In terms of "ing words", the issue is passive writing.  You want to stay clear from writing passively, as action doesn't read well when written passively.


Yes, that is what I meant by what I said... I figured most would know what I'm talking about, as they are writing scripts, I assumed they've read up on formatting rules... but then again, obviously not, as this script is full of them.
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HyperMatt
Posted: September 26th, 2017, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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I think the problem Tyler, that there is no notification that a writer has received feedback.


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Tyler King
Posted: September 26th, 2017, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from HyperMatt
I think the problem Tyler, that there is no notification that a writer has received feedback.


As far as I know, no one has EVER been given notifications when someone has given feedback on their script. It is the writer's responsibility to come on these boards and check it themselves, as well as to read up on other scripts and give their own feedback. You give, you get.
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HyperMatt
Posted: September 27th, 2017, 6:41am Report to Moderator
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I can't disagree with that.


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Lightfoot
Posted: September 27th, 2017, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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I've seen a lot of scripts on this board written by this guy with comments by others on it, he hasn't responded once. My guess is he only submits them to get them out there.
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Tyler King
Posted: September 27th, 2017, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Lightfoot
I've seen a lot of scripts on this board written by this guy with comments by others on it, he hasn't responded once. My guess is he only submits them to get them out there.


Good to know, thanks for the heads up. I won't waste my time reading it then.
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