SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 10:58am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Riding High
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Riding High  (currently 713 views)
Don
Posted: June 9th, 2017, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Riding High by Mark Galasso - Short, Comedy - On the way to a high school party something Anna's mother seems more loose than usual.  Hope it doesn't have anything to do with the missing joint in Anna's cigarette box. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Cameron
Posted: June 21st, 2017, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Mark,

Right then, I'll be as nice as possible, it just didn't work.

The positive, a largely female based cast is a refreshing take on this kinda frat boy (or frat girl) style of work, a bit like a teenage Bridesmaids, spliced with a family drama. It wasn't my cup of tea, but shit, there's clearly a market for it out there as the American Pie franchises rolled on for that long.

Now, negatives. I'm not sure how new you are to writing or if you've been doing it for a while, try to refrain from using words that end with "ing" in your descriptions. You want these descriptions to be active in the present tense, and the "ing's" put it into the past.

Your current formatting has all the scenes numbered in a shooting script style, cut these out as in current form it's just a spec.

Finally, the writing style is interrupted quite a lot with directions in brackets. Replace these with descriptive actions and try to make the piece flow better. And there's a truck load of typos in there, from spelling mistakes, to capital letters missing/not supposed to be there.

Anyway, that's my take on it. Fix up the formatting, the typos and try to get more of a flow to it. Whilst it's not for myself, there is a market for this type of thing, but before it'll even get a consideration you need to give the overall work a right good tidy.

All the best

Cam
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 2
eldave1
Posted: June 22nd, 2017, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Got to agree with Cam - there are format problems and typos through out and this really needs to be tidied up. Your very first scene heading needs to be more precise. e.g., should be

INT. ANNA'S HOUSE/BEDROOM - SUNDOWN



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006