SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 4:11am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Insidious Pretext
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Insidious Pretext  (currently 892 views)
Don
Posted: June 12th, 2017, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Insidious Pretext by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - A devilish, middle-aged executive seeks to change the life of a young job applicant so that he can become her lover. 12 pages

production: Shoestring production. Two leading actors and two minor parts. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


+++++++++++

There was a glitch in the matrix and somehow this thread got corrupted.  I'm reposting the script.  Apologies.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Nolan
Posted: June 14th, 2017, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
175
Posts Per Day
0.06
***Spoilers***

In the logline you describe Tara as "devilish".  If you're going to do that, I'd make her more devilish.  Right now she just seems manipulative, which to some people may be devilish, but to others she's just a bitch who will do whatever it takes to get what she wants.  I think if you really want to put a stamp on this, it could be flushed out a little more, maybe by even adding a few more pages.  I would have loved to see her do something to the girlfriend, even possibly taking her life, and forcing her way into Dominic's life that way.  To me that would be more of a devilish thing to do.  I really wanted to hate her more than I did.  Why not go all out with the hate?

Just my two cents.

Good luck.

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
Fausto
Posted: June 15th, 2017, 6:43am Report to Moderator
New



Location
New Jersey
Posts
193
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi Nolan,
thank you for your review and suggestions. I definitely add a few more page about her bitchiness...I liked the premise and I would make it more dramatic. Thanks again.
Fausto
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
Miranda
Posted: June 15th, 2017, 11:11am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
South Florida
Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi Fausto,
I find the premise good. So you could make it a longer story.
Make it not so straightforward and not so easy for Tara to get what she wants.

It was easy to read and the dialogue was simple but effective.

Ciao,
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
Fausto
Posted: June 19th, 2017, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
New Jersey
Posts
193
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi Miranda,
thank you for your analysis...I was thinking about extending the story and make it more convoluted. My problem, however, is time...I don't have enough hours to do everything I need to do...work, write etc. I'll try. I'm working on your script, it's almost completed in Fade In.
Ciao
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006