To See More Light by Logan McDonald - Short, Drama - A family lives a simple life in the countryside after the collapse of society. After investigating strange smoke coming from a neighboring field and having to fight for his life, Father comes back home to find his family murdered. He sets off looking for revenge.   7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Logan,

Not sure what a music video treatment is. So is this meant to be a music video? It's extremely violent and would probably have to be a video for a band like Cannibal Corpse. Where could they possibly play this?

As far as your log line goes, in the story how would we know that society has collapsed? The only reason we know it at all is because you tell us in the log line.

You log line also tells your entire story. It's a long 7 pages without dialogue and it's a pretty standard revenge story. Nothing is new or stands out. It has been told a hundred times before.

I guess not understanding what the purpose of this piece is makes it hard to give more advise.

Hey Warren,
Thanks for the Feedback. The script is for the song To See More Light By Collin Stetson. Here's a link to the song if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlPg-g2vP8U

It's an experimental saxophone piece that would play over the entire video.
I appreciate the feedback on the story. My goal is to film this in the next year and submit it into festivals then later put it on Youtube and Vimeo for anyone to watch (if I even get the rights to the song, that is).

It's a good point that the story is well-treaded ground and if I was going to put time and effort into making it a reality I'd better make it the best story it can be.

Best!

Hey Logan,

Congratulations on writing what I feel is a compelling piece.

I agree with Warren about revealing the entire story in the logline. I also agree that we need some context; something that shows us that society has collapsed, and this family has been able to survive in a very simple setting.

I love the way it was written, in that it was not overwritten; no superfluous adjectives or hyperbolic statements. The piece didn't tell me how to feel, it just showed the action and allowed me to experience my own emotions. I think if you can capture that on film, in a matter-of-fact American Gothic type of way, while keeping the raw emotion the father feels, and at the same time give the piece some context so that we can feel the invaders ruining paradise, I believe you can create something wonderful on film.

Minor spelling and grammar issues however if you're going to film it yourself as you said, it's not much of an issue. Good luck.