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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Claw and His Madness
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  Author    Claw and His Madness  (currently 935 views)
Don
Posted: June 24th, 2017, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Claw and His Madness by David Lach - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - The Lord´s son Claw reflects on the last couple of years of his life while at dinner with his family - a dinner that doesn´t go as planned.  20 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: June 26th, 2017, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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David - some of the dialogue is interesting - but you need to tidy this up. Right out of the gate:


Quoted Text
The found of footsteps on a stone floor.


Sound


Quoted Text
At a table - Claw´s father and one of his brothers. The
other brother pours himself wine at a sideboard. This is
AUKE (26). Their father stops laughing.


One of his brothers is an unfilmable - handle this in dialogue somewhere.


Quoted Text
FLASHBACK, EIGHT YEARS AGO. EXT. AT A RIVERSIDE - DAY

Younger Claw sitting on a grass covered riverbank. In the
background, a forest. Claw looks at his feet


Not really the right format. Maybe something like:

FLASHBACK - AT A RIVERSIDE - DAY

Younger Claw sitting on a grass covered riverbank. In the
background, a forest. Claw looks at his feet

SUPER: EIGHT YEARS AGO

Anyway - just based on the first few pages, I think you should re-review/clean-up. I do like your dialogue.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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