Unmasking Stella by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Romantic Comedy - A lonely clubber and a boinkable woman spend an unwonted night together. 7 pages

production: Shoestring production. Two actors & two locations. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Fausto,

This did nothing for me. The dialogue was on the nose, no subtext at all, it was just boring, general chit chat, why would anyone want to watch that?

The reveal has been done hundreds of times before and there is nothing that sets this one apart.

Lots of awkward writing and grammatical errors. I personally believe you would be better served working on your basic English, which isn't that bad, rather than throwing in words like "pusillanimous", I had to Google it and I'm a native English speaker.

For slug lines generally the larger location is first so:

Quoted Text INT. PUB – NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT

should read INT. NEW YORK CITY - PUB - NIGHT

But you seem to know this because later you did it in the correct order. Was it a typo?

Quoted Text INT. APARTMENT – ROOM - NIGHT

Anyway, I'm not sure what it would take to make this an enjoyable read. It's very generic and overdone.

Good luck with it.

Hi Warren
thank you very much for your analysis. The slug was my mistake in writing. Regarding the dialogue, I was trying to project a casual, "empty" conversation between an unintellectual man and a "woman" looking for quick and easy sex. A very unpretentious story. But, I see your point...the result was flat. Can you please indicate to me a couple of grammatical errors. I would appreciate that.
Thanks again.
My best,
Fausto

Quoted Text ANTHONY Uhm...they are romantic. STELLA Are you a romantic man? ANTHONY ...Uhm...yes, I guess...I watch all the soaps on TV. STELLA Real romantic...do you find them sexy?...I mean, the Italian women.

Every time you use an ellipsis there should be a space after it. Also, do you understand the purpose of an ellipse? It is generally used to indicate a thought that trails off. Try to hear this conversation with all of these ellipses. These people would be talking as if they were a bit slow, as in mentally slow. It's very unnatural.

I forgot to mention this the last time but how does the job sound interesting or exciting in any way?

Quoted Text ANTHONY I bring messages to his business associates. STELLA Interesting job. What kind of messages? ANTHONY You know,...my Dad tells them when they have to take care of somebody. STELLA It must be exciting...

In this instance you do put the space.

Quoted Text ANTHONY Well.... I

Should be a comma before baby.

Quoted Text STELLA I’m sorry baby

Then three or four lines later you do it correctly.

Quoted Text STELLA But I AM real, baby.

It's just inconsistent writing. Same as how you did one slug one way and another a different way.

An example of awkward writing.

Quoted Text He frantically PULLS away his hand from under the skirt.

Should be "He frantically PULLS his hand away from under her skirt."

I imagine this will improve as your English does.

Sorry I don't have time to point everything out.

My main issue is the overuse and incorrect use of the ellipsis.

Warren, I am very grateful to you for your corrections. I will be more careful in the future. The reason why I inserted so many ellipses was to indicate a pause in the dialogue or indecisions in the flow of the dialogue etc. Clearly, I have exaggerated. I'll try to improve in future shorts.
Thanks gain.
Fausto

Fausto:

Into Stella here:

Quoted Text A couple of stools away, a very attractive BRUNETTE in her mid-20s looks at him with an inviting glance. She has no drinks in front of her.

i.e.,

A couple of stools away, STELLA (20s) very attractive brunette...

Quoted Text THE WOMAN (friendly) I'm STELLA. Nice meeting you. ANTHONY Stella eh, you've a beautiful name. STELLA Thanks, it's Italian for STAR. ANTHONY Are you Italian? STELLA My parents are...I was born in BROOKLYN.

Why are you CAPPING Stella, Star and Brooklyn in the dialogue?

I think you are really overusing ... in your dialogue. It's disruptive.

Quoted Text ANTHONY Uhm...they are romantic.

Should be Um - a couple of places.

Overall the dialogue was really stilted - unnatural - at least to my ear. It became tedious.

Thank you Eldave. The dialogue came out "dry" because Anthony was intellectually very limited and Stella had only one objective: have sex with Anthony. In essence, they had nothing substantial to say to each other. At least, this was my intent with the dialogue. Thanks again for your analysis and suggestions.
Best,
Fausto

No problem - best of luck

I have made some changes to the script and I resubmitted it.
Thanks to all.