Jake: Had time to read a few pages. My reaction so far is that your dialogue is generally natural and authentic. I think your descriptions could be much more efficient (which, if cleaned up, would certainly squeeze down your page count). I'll use page 1 as an example of what I am talking about.
Quoted Text INT. LIVING ROOM - ONFROY HOUSEHOLD - MORNING |
A nit, but this is the wrong sequence. Should be:
INT. ONFROY HOUSEHOLD/LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Quoted Text The house is small and cluttered. There’s clothes, a small antennae TV, action figures and toys laying around in the living room. All that can be heard is something being POUNDED into one of the walls.
A WOMAN can be heard SCREAMING.
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Some unneeded words - the house is already in your scene heading so you don't need to tell us we are in the house again. Don't need to tell us "nothing can be heard" when one word - like silent - does the trick. You can also eliminate the "there's" since we know we are there.
So, it could be shortened to:
Small and cluttered. Clothes, a small TV, action figures and toys scattered about.
Silent other than a POUNDING on the walls.
A WOMAN's SCREAM from another room.
Quoted Text A MAN walks out into the living room SQUEEZING his hand tightly on the throat of the WOMAN who was SCREAMING. Her name is CLEOPATRA ONFROY(1 . A young Jamaican woman with a model build, and eyes of exhaustion. |
Again - your repeating Living room - no need - it's in the scene heading. You're using four words - walks out into the - when one (enters) does the trick. When you intro a character you don't need "her name is" - we'll know it when introduced. You don't need to tell us that she is 18 and young. 18 does it. Or that she is a woman - Cleopatra does that. Something like:
A MAN enters. His hand clutched around the throat of CLEOPATRA ONFROY( 1
, Jamaican, built like a model, eyes bloodshot.
The point being is that you slow your pace now when you use more words then necessary to describe action.
Just my point of view for what is worth. Best of lick.