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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  A Deathly Shade of Blue - OWC
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  Author    A Deathly Shade of Blue - OWC  (currently 3738 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2017, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Deathly Shade of Blue by Salman Rushdie - Short, Thriller - A refugee discovers that England is just like home. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Cameron
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer,

Oooooph, this was a dark one, very, very dark. That's not to say it was bad, but it's subject matter won't be everyone's cup of tea.

It's parameter O'Clock. Stranger in a foreign land, yep. 9-12 pages, yep. Less than 4 characters? Possibly not if we're including all the city centre locations, but I'll let it fly as the extras there wouldn't be required to act, and at it's centre are 4 key characters.

I'll skip the formatting and writing style, that's been absolutely nailed, couldn't find a fault. Also, the pace varies where it should do, and I read it (subject matter aside) with ease, and was certainly never bored.

Now for the subject matter/story. When approaching a story such as this, and attempting something with so many touchy subjects, you have to really know your background and you certainly know yours. The story is exceptionally well crafted. You have to have the proverbial nuts the size of whatever to attempt to write around these terrible themes, and I certainly don't have the confidence to do it yet, so well done there.

A really tricky one. In assessing someone's work from a writing and creativity standpoint you have to be able to separate what are pretty distasteful subjects and actions, and concentrate on the crafting of the story, the way it moves, and feels and overall presentation. I don't like the subject matter at all, and I'll try to push it to one side, which leaves a story that is exceptionally well crafted and well told.

It drew emotions of sympathy, revulsion and anger out of me, and sometimes OWC scripts will only leave you with a smirk or a 5 minute imprint.

So many mixed emotions within 9 pages of work, well done writer.

Cam
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CameronD
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. That was something. A few small typos and I would assume all the driving around London blows the 4 character limit outta the water but besides that let's get to the story.

This was a a full read in that there seemed to be some overly written descriptions here and there. A candle blowing in the breeze for example. Unless it's important imagery I missed I don't see the point. At times Abdul's English seemed a little too good for a refugee. It may have added to him if his handle of the language was more on the poor side, better to show he is still learning about this new world he's in. Does he do anything else except sight see? It woulda been funny to see his reaction to some British food or get lost in a conversation with somebody speaking in English slang.

The build up was also a bit slow until Jade arrived and then the movie flipped to some very graphic gang rape. Would be quite hard to watch that whole encounter on screen. I also don't know why they would trust a 15 year old to drive and bury a body somewhere in a giant city he's unfamilair with. Of course these guys aren't very intelligent but still. The fact that Abdul seems to have kept the body in the backseat instead would be hard not to notice or smell.

I saw a bomb coming sooner or later from the start, I wrote a similar story last OWC lol, but liked that Abdul chose to blow up Jamal and Karim but I wasn't 100% sure why. Was it revenge for killing his true love? But did he not help kill her as well? Also, the interactions with Jade's body at the end was a bit confusing. Verbatim with Jade, does that mean he is speaking for Jade? Jade is speaking with him through a hallucination? I woulda kept the VO and turned those lines into more self reflection from Abdul.

Pretty solid script. I think it could be pruned as the first half goes very slow and the last goes almost too fast.


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Heretic
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Good of Mr. Rushdie to tear himself away from playing Super Mario to grace us with a script.

Expertly written and well-crafted.

A disgusting piece of heavy-breathing Muslim-panic agitprop, all the less credible for its pretense towards nihilism. This is truly repulsive work, which takes a certain kind of skill. But Rushdie it ain't.
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khamanna
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, that's gruesome.

the title is perfect for it.

Abdul is an idiot I guess (I don't know if the word is ethical but my question is if we see it right away) I guess not.
Anyway, "verbatim" vs "no verbatim" - what does it mean? How do we hear that bit of conversation?

All that driving blows the parameters of the challenge for me. But I'm not holding it against you and wish it's available for voting.
A unique take and I must be honest - I enjoyed it.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Alright folks, make sure you have a pack of Rolaids® nearby for this one...

I confess this had me glued for the duration of the read. Kudos for the voiceover work, was done very well. With Dexter Morgan zest, the curtain is pulled back into the persona of a teenager with an affinity for a girl named Jade.

Not sure why Abdul went back to finish the job at the mosque, or why he even took his licks and suited up for that matter. My confusion isn't rooted in the content, it's because I don't understand his actions. Of course not a fault to the writer. Is Abdul a djinn himself? I'm sure the writer will stop in afterward and clear it up. Until then, I'm mixed even though the story structure itself is excellent.
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stevie
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Look sorry but every other script I have read is keeping to the 4 char max even if not the main theme. This script opens on a London street in peak hour traffic so unless the taxi has screens around it, there would be heaps of other people visible.

Sorry to be pedantic but I cannot read it based on that.



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MarkItZero
Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. Extremely well done. Haunting.

The only issue I had was the (verbatim with Jade) stuff. It just didn't scan easy for me and I see I'm not the only one. Especially when it's switching between verbatim and no verbatim in the same dialogue block.

Not sure how to fix that. Maybe something like this...


Jade’s lips move verbatim with Abdul’s VO, as if they're speaking as one.

ABDUL/JADE (VO)
You’re different to the others.

ABDUL (VO)
She said, passion forcing her tongue.

ABDUL/JADE (VO)
With you it was nice. It meant
something, you know?


Actually, that might be even more confusing. Hopefully, you can figure out a better way on your own. Perhaps it will turn out this wasn't an issue for the majority.


That rug really tied the room together.
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George Willson
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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That was ... interesting. Sometimes, voiceover pieces work well enough so I'm not going to say anything about that. It was persistent exposition, but you squeezed a lot out in a little time. I'll say right off that this is not a piece I would enjoy. Parts of it felt like a bit of a young boy's fantasy and then you have some necrophilia thrown in for good measure.

So, for the challenge, you have a very straight forward new guy in new situation. It's stated very directly in the persistent voiceover. However, you failed at the environment. The rules state that you could not set it anywhere where you would have a crowd or background characters. You're driving through London. You're not going to be able to empty those streets.

Personal opinions aside and challenge aside, the piece was not bad. the progression of the character and his desired purety were interesting. His final choice worked well with what was setup. I see this as a very artsy type presentation that actually could win some awards as a short. Most won't like it, but contests love stuff like that, and it's topical with the current terrorist environment. I only read it once, but if you give it a few read-throughs to ensure that any fluff is cleaned out of it, you might have something someone would be interested in.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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Abdul drives car at the age of 15? In London?

Sounds a bit risky because there's police like everywhere

P5 "leads Abdul him"

Thought a lot about the script and especially how to comment.

I have to say I believe Americans don't understand what this script means in context to our daily debate in Europe.
Such an explosive theme just taken so lightly and in an irresponsible way. An award???? If you screen this in Europe you'd be in all newspapers and would earn a shitstorm from Portugal over Paris to Berlin that you wouldn't have thought of in your lifetime. This is either a Ukip near person here or a writer who does not come from Europe and simply has no feel for what's going on here. I hope for the latter.

Big Pass.



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Grandma Bear
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Expertly written. Story kept me glued to the pages even if depressing. I only have one suggestion and that is to skip the necrophilia scene. It made me think so much less of Abdul and added nothing to the story, IMO.

Great job!


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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Very depressing, yet action packed and different enough for me to like it. I think the necro scene was a bit much, and I think the reasoning for Abdul going back to the mosque needs to be worked better. Aside from that, nice job.
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Tough to judge this one.

Writing is good for the most part - a few little things here and there, but solid for sure.

Story and characters are engaging, but downright brutal.

Ending is powerful yet sad.

Problem is, although you didn't reveal more than 4 characters, you definitely broke the parameter - [/b]"Characters – Maximum of 4 human characters – PERIOD.  This includes background or “extra” characters.  Because of this stipulation, using any settings where there are a multitude of people doing whatever people do in such areas is a no-no.  Any script that violates this stipulation will not be eligible for voting.[b]"

I'm wondering if this idea or even script was written prior to the OWC and rewritten to meet the challenge as best it could?

I like what you've done here, but IMO, it shouldn't be eligible for voting.

Grade - **** - as a script, but NO GRADE for this challenge, as parameters were not met.
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Andrew
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmmm. Felt very political. Too political. Writing challenging scripts that push the envelope is always welcome, but this was pretty unrelenting in its attack on Islam, and as such, loses any real social commentary punch.

It calls out the Rotherham sex scandal and tries to fuse it with homegrown terrorism. This is why it feels so political. There is no link between the two in reality, and so the brutality of it falls flat.

That said, it was well-written, and it flowed fairly well, but agree with Dustin that Abdul's motivations need work.

This kind of piece should stimulate debate, but in its current form it's much too one dimensional and heavy handed to ignite the debate I believe the writer would want.


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JEStaats
Posted: July 24th, 2017, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Wow, that was in your face. Well written and thought provoking, but not for me. Quite disturbing. Not sure it provoked the thoughts I need provoking.
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