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  Author    Fuzzy Wrath  (currently 826 views)
Cooper
Posted: July 28th, 2017, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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You know that feeling, when you think you've written something amazing and then people rip it to shreds and you say, "Oh my God, what have I done with my life?!"

I need that feeling. Help bring me despair so I can whip this screenplay into shape. Even if you just read the logline and a few pages, let me know if you think I'm on the right track.

Fuzzy Wrath
Logline: A loveable NBA mascot gets fired after being pushed to the edge by drunken fans. Now he has a list and is out to make them all pay.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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eldave1
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Cooper: Read two pages. Mostly nit issues - but bear attention.


Quoted Text
OVER BLACK
A man with a very distinguishable RASPY VOICE speaks into a
telephone. Breaths heavily.

RASPY VOICE
This joker thinks he's funny? Let's
see how funny he is when I break his
legs. Good luck hopping around then,
dumb ass.

If it is over black - how are we seeing a telephone? I think it is overkill to say man with a raspy voice and character of raspy voice.  Lose one or the other.


Quoted Text
INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT
A man in a large dog costume bounces up and down in the
darkened walkway of a pro basketball arena. Shakes out his
arms.


Would make it BASKETBALL ARENA/CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Okay - that's it for nits - everything else okay dokay - some of the descriptions real solid.

Through page 3 - all I got time for now so please keep in mind these are knee jerk reactions.

Early on, the story seems a bit worn to me. The shy guy unable to talk to the pretty girl confides with his overly confident and chiding friend. That's been done lots of times already.  I haven't seen this through the eyes of a Puppy Mascot before, but I've seen it before.  The dialogue seems a little dated - like it was set in 1980s.  I have not heard one Mississippi in years and there are no references to modernity - e.g., you check out her Facebook page? etc.

Generally the formatting is clean and some of the dialogue made me laugh. I think the premise has potential - it's just too unoriginal of a start for a story that ultimately may end up original. Hope that makes sense.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ajr
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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I'm on page 22 and I think it's pretty decent. I think you'll get some laughs from the pantomime during the courtside incident.

Not sure if you're going for a buddy comedy or a DEATH TO SMOOCHY thing. Seems like Mickey is coming unhinged so I would plant a 'crazy' seed with him early.

Not sure I love the banter between Mickey and Tommy; a little on the standard side.

I'm up to the flashbacks and I'm guessing they're designed to make Tommy feel bad and go along with whatever Mickey cooked up. Could probably accomplish this with a couple lines of dialogue.

I think you can get some laughs too with having Mickey take children's birthday parties as a low rent dog or something like that. It would help us believe he's turning mental.

Your plot also hinges on Mickey getting fired. First, was it a fire-able offense? The masses usually want blood, and that why people are fired. So would they want an anonymous mascot's blood? Or would the team be forced to retire the character and come up with something new? Don't know, been asking myself these questions.

Interested to see how Sarah eventually plays into this, if she does at all. Maybe she just works as the unattainable.


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Cooper
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Dave, I have yet to see you give anyone feedback that didn't make sense. So yes, I totally get where you're coming from. Thanks for cracking this one open.

My intention was to start with a familiar dynamic (just as you described) then flip it. You're right, I probably over did it with the "one Mississippi" line. I've tweaked it slightly for now. If others dislike it, I'll just scrub it completely. The modern stuff (Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, going viral, "influencers") roll in very quickly with the inciting incident and play a big part in the story overall.

I definitely appreciate the knee-jerk reaction. Just 3 pages in and you already have the "wheels turning" in my head. Awesome. Thanks!


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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Cooper
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony, thanks for the read so far. To hear you say "pretty decent" is great, as you're only the second person to read what is literally Draft 1.0.

FYI - I just downloaded John Lennon's Heaven. Will have notes for you by this time next week! Looking forward to reading it!

I'll hold off on answering your questions for now, as everything should become more obvious if you read a little more. Overall I'd say I'm going for a PG-13 revenge buddy comedy.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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eldave1
Posted: July 30th, 2017, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Cooper
Dave, I have yet to see you give anyone feedback that didn't make sense. So yes, I totally get where you're coming from. Thanks for cracking this one open.

My intention was to start with a familiar dynamic (just as you described) then flip it. You're right, I probably over did it with the "one Mississippi" line. I've tweaked it slightly for now. If others dislike it, I'll just scrub it completely. The modern stuff (Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, going viral, "influencers") roll in very quickly with the inciting incident and play a big part in the story overall.

I definitely appreciate the knee-jerk reaction. Just 3 pages in and you already have the "wheels turning" in my head. Awesome. Thanks!


No problem - glad they helped.

Got through 15-20 this morning.

Dialogue solid, loved the he only has four fingers line - the pace is picking up. Only one real hiccup for me and am not sure I have a valid suggestion. Anyway:

I can't get by the behavior of the VIP drunks and how that would not have yielded and ejection of at least an interaction from security/owners - throwing beer, grabbing dancers is not going to be let go for VIP ticket holders because the image that the owners have to protect and because there are other behaved VIPS around them that would demand that the owners take care of that crap as well as the media attention.

Granted - you need the set-up here. Maybe consider ramping up the VIP status of the antagonists - e.g., famous hip hop stars/owners son/etc. and down playing the visibility of their behavior - e.g., rather than throwing a beer, an inappropriate hip thrust toward the girl - I don't know, something that is not so obvious as to warrant a rejection - and if it is a little more subtle, you could even have a seen where a reporter is interviewing the famous VIP on what happened and he could play the innocent victim - "I don't know, we were just watching the fame and Pugsy just went off for no reason. etc. etc.  Hate to present an issue without an obvious solution - but it was just a hiccup for me

The writing is solid. I like your Protag - unique for sure.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Cooper
Posted: July 31st, 2017, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Dave, you're just a few pages from where I lay out exactly who the VIPs are. I do what you're saying to some extent but I actually just tweaked it even more, changing Winnie from a big sponsor to having a 30% stake in the team. I think it makes it even better. Great suggestion!

I also added some additional conflict to the first 2 pages and did away with the Mississippi lines as I try and make the beginning more compelling.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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eldave1
Posted: July 31st, 2017, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Cool - that should help


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: August 2nd, 2017, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed the script. I'm far from a pro, so take all my feedback with a grain of salt:

Minor notes:


  • You should always start with a FADE IN. Since you begin over black your FADE IN would go before the INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT
  • I would add (V.O.) to the security guard, even though you already have (over the radio).
    SECURITY GUARD (V.O.)
  • MICKEY and MARTIN. Some readers seem irritated when names are too similar and start with the same letters.
  • Page 8 - "They men laugh" should be "The"
  • Page 23 - If this is such a strong memory for Tommy, you could amp it up from just plain bullying. Maybe this moment is particularly humiliating.
  • Page 35 - "We're gonna merc'd", shouldn't it be "We're gonna get merc'd"?
  • Page 55 - "The bar breaks in the cheers" - "the bar breaks into cheers"
  • Page 56 - If the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN is named Lisa, go ahead and name her LISA. It's not a mysterious voice or anything that you need to keep her name a secret to the reader.
  • Page 57 - "as brings up" should be "as he brings up"


Other thoughts:

I loved the Mickey in the costume. Very visual, it sets him up as a bit pathetic, but being the mascot is his truly passion so you connect with him.

You break up the game several times by going back in the locker room - could Mickey and Tommy cross paths somewhere else during the game? I know you're setting up a rhythm, and he's not supposed to talk in the suit, but the locker room scenes risk getting repetitive.

SARAH: So at first she doesn't even know Mickey exists, then later when she sees him they talk like old buddies, then at the end Tommy says the Mickey is "all she talks about". Her evolution in feelings doesn't seem motivated at all by anything Mickey has done because they haven't interacted during the story, and feels un-earned. Also, I think as part of Mickey's growth he's moved on from the things he thought were so important and has grown up? He's no longer obsessed with being a mascot and getting revenge which is great, so should he still be obsessed with a girl he's barely ever talked too?

I really thought the Lisa character would come back at some point. She was smart, interested in him, and seemed to represent the life he could have if he gave up his petty obsessions. I'd love to see him reconnect with her even in a minor way.


My thoughts are very subjective of course, and I'm not a successful writer, so what do I know? But here's what I think overall.:


This strikes me as an indie movie right now. In order to get more interest I think you should amp up the comedy and the action. I just watched the Goon sequel the other day and it had a similar tone but it was really funny throughout. For comedies, people seem to be looking for funny on every page (Though I've seen lots of great indie comedies and romantic comedies that don't go for constant laughs).

I'm not sure if you ever read scriptshadow.net (like it or not), but Carson constantly talks about Goals, Stakes and Urgency. Micky has a revenge goal, but what are the stakes and the urgency that drives the script forward? If Mickey doesn't succeed in getting revenge, nothing happens. If he takes forever to get revenge, nothing happens. Without this pressure, the scenes don't seem to drive forward as much as they should.

I'm reading a Stephen King book right now, and he is a master page turner. He never leaves the reader without something to make them want to keep reading to find out what will happen. In a script, each scene should make you want to read the next scene. For Example, you had me good with LISA, he just left the perfect woman and that left me with questions. Will he change his mind? Will they meet again? That was a good moment, and the reason I wanted to see her again.

You definitely has a good sense of of patter with the characters and your writing is really clear and easy to read. If you can up the stakes and comedy I think readers will rip though the script and enjoy it.


Thanks!
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Warren
Posted: August 2nd, 2017, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Cooper,

Will type as I go. I haven't read the comments so I apologise if I rehash anything.

Just realise that I tend to follow "the rules" which many people don't care for and that's fine, but my comments will be within the guidelines of how I learnt to write.

If its over black how do we know he rages? How would you describe that visually?

Should capitalise the first time you introduce the character.

Again this isn't really visual, it's more of an aside which is fine but if you want the producer to know what you mean you need to tell him.


Quoted Text
This is the hi-tech
brains of the arena’s multimedia
operation.


Why would we assume this? How are they acting for us to assume this?


Quoted Text
Pugsy runs onto the basketball court to greet what one might
assume would be adoring fans.


By page 2 I can tell this is a bit of an issue. You keep telling us without showing us, scripts have to be visual.


Quoted Text
and naturally shy.


How are we to know he is naturally shy? If anything we would assume the complete opposite after what he just pulled off.

And again, if it's hiding it, how can we see it? He would have to remove the costume for you to be able to add that line effectively.


Quoted Text
The bulky costume
hides a wiry body


This is definitely the main issue and after this I will stop pointing it out and concentrate on the story.


Quoted Text
TOMMY (20s) doesn’t need a big costume to have a big
personality. The fun-loving
security guard naturally exudes
confidence. A smooth talker.


How do we know he is fun-loving and that he is a smooth talker, he has had one line of dialogue, what have you shown us to make us know this?

Okay, enough of that

Any particular reason this is in italics?


Quoted Text
SECURITY GUARD
(over radio) Ey Tommy, where you at? We’s got a
code twenty in the four hundreds.
Gonna need some help.


Don't like the way this reads with the dashes, just lose them.


Quoted Text
OLIVIER
--- (30s) is stylish. Looks like he rolled out of a
fashion magazine. Wears a tailored dress shirt and jeans.
VIC
--- (20s) is flashy. Looks like he just stepped out of a
hip hop video. Wears a large diamond earring, gold chains
and a shiny Rolex.
MARTIN
--- (20s) is the ringleader. Equal parts nerdy and
nasty. Boorish. Wears an NBA jersey over a white tshirt.


Just realised, why are all the commas, dashes, inverted commas, and periods bolded? On page 10 it's really noticeable and looks strange.

More italics, I think I used them once for singing but I'm not sure why you are using them.

Haha, I kind of imagine Tommy as T. J. Miller's character from Silicon Valley with lines like this.


Quoted Text
TOMMY
Since we are on the topic of images,
I do think it’s worth acknowledging
the fact that Pugsy only has four
digits on each hand. Technically
there is no middle finger.



Quoted Text
TOMMY
I'm just pointing out that the
gesture in question doesn’t
necessarily imply what the elite
liberal media is reporting.


I don't understand the reason for bracketing deal.


Quoted Text
EXECUTIVE #1
I don't believe there was any
discussion of a (deal).


Four not 4.


Quoted Text
4 empty beer


Same again with the 8.

Okay, that's page 20 done. I will more than likely revisit this when I have the energy for a feature.

The dialogue is fantastic, flows really well, great banter.

Likeable characters.

I'm enjoying the story, first 20 flew by.

My main issue would be the constant unfilmables. Will they end the world, no. Could they be written better to make the script more visual, for sure.

The bolded punctuation also started to drive me insane.

So all in all seems like you have a great story so far that got a few laughs out of me.

Good luck with it.







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Cooper
Posted: August 3rd, 2017, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the great feedback, Warren.

It looks like I might be mistaken on a bunch of the rules. I guess the question becomes whether there's flexibility or not.

First of all I'm using Fade In software and have printed the scripts on paper and never noticed the bold italics, dashes etc. I also don't see it on screen with various pdf programs. Honestly, you're the first person to ever mention this issue in any of my scripts. Can anyone else confirm?

I hear you on the unfilmables. Just thought I got more leeway on character descriptions.

The parenthesis over the last word was being used to indicate the other character begins talking before the next starts.  I've seen it done and assumed it was okay. Didn't want to write (over) every single time, as it breaks the reader's flow.

The italics were used a similar way. Instead of writing (whispers) every time in the conference room scene or (over radio) for the security guard's messages, I used the description once followed by italics. Something I've seen done but probably isn't correct at all. Actually I'm sure it's not, if you're pointing it out.

With all that said, I'm really glad you really liked the story and dialogue. That means a lot. This is very much a first draft of a work in progress. Thanks again for checking it out!


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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Warren
Posted: August 3rd, 2017, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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The "rules" have as much leeway as you like as long as the story is there (or so people say), which it looks like it is.

None of the things I picked up really need to be changed, I just personally think they could be done better.

That is odd about the punctuation.

At the end of the day I'm definitely no expert.

You were initially looking for people to tell you that you were on the right track and I think you.


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DanQ
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I'm about at page 25. It's well written and an easy read, always important. I enjoy the celebrity banter, that dialogue between the two is entertaining but that can get dated quickly. The issue that came to mind when I read this is what's the end game for Mickey? You say decency and justice but that doesn't seem to lead to anything. Maybe I missed something or it will come later but with any screenplay I feel like there has to be a goal for the hero that makes sense to us, looking to discover the answer to something or reaching a goal in life besides "getting even." Anyway like I said it is easy to read and goes quickly so far which a lot of screenplays can't say.
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Cooper
Posted: June 1st, 2018, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan! Thanks for checking this out.

I'm actually going to upload the latest version now, which is actually a little worse than the version you've read lol. On the plus side it does include mores jokes, a bigger story, bigger stakes and an actual B story... but it's also missing something.

Anyway, I put this one down a while ago but if anyone has an idea on what that something is, let me know.  It might reignite my fire for this one.

Thanks again for the read!



Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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ajr
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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I remember this one - I feel like I read this before? But I can't find my notes. Looks like the opening is different so kudos on that.

AJR


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