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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Girl Goes Berserk Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Girl Goes Berserk  (currently 150 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2017, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Girl Goes Berserk by Eric Dickson - Thriller - A shifty private investigator is hired to augment the stabbing of a wealthy real estate tycoon's godson at the hands of a woman who claims to have been sleepwalking. 111 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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AlexW
Posted: August 5th, 2017, 5:04am Report to Moderator
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Read a few pages. Nice clear writing and natural dialogue. One comment if you're looking for feedback is about the V.O. Now a lot of bullshit is spoken about voice overs and their redundancy. I actually love a good V.O if they add to atmosphere and get over important or interesting information. Thing is about yours, your protag is talking about his dubious investigations and his split with an ex-partner. Then when he turns up at the house, we re-discover all that information in their exchanges. So the V.O is redundant. I'd try to keep the V.O. to supplementary info rather than stuff that's already obvious.

Sorry to focus on the one negative but that's the nature of feedback. Overall i enjoyed the read so far.
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