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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  A Dolly for Krampus
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  Author    A Dolly for Krampus  (currently 330 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2017, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Dolly for Krampus by Doug J Robbins - Short, Horror - Sara Jo Conrad devises a plan to protect her naughty brother from the wrath of the Krampus.  2 pages - pdf, format

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Warren
Posted: August 4th, 2017, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Doug,

No title page, no fade in, no capitalization of character introductions.

Your slugs are also written incorrectly. Should look more like this:

EXT: HOUSE - NIGHT

Not sure what the horror element was. This could just be a kids story.

I guess at its core it's a cute little story but definitely not for me.

Good luck with it.


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Tyler King
Posted: August 4th, 2017, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry but I didn't like this at all. I don't even know what this is doing in the horror section. And you may as well, have just turned this into a short story, rather than a short script, as it's basically all just narration anyway.
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Marty
Posted: November 10th, 2017, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Doug,

I have agree with Warren and Tyler.

This is definitely a cute short story you have here but certainly not enough of a scare element to designate it as a horror.

In regards to your writing and your overall story.
-There is too much exposition taking place. As a screenwriter you must portray your story in a visual way.
-So show us, don't tell us.
Examples:
KRAMPUS.
-Now unless a person has seen the recent movie or is into folklore, no one is going to get this. People will then ask who Krampus is? What does he or she look like? Why do we care?
Christmas Eve.
-If this is an important element to your story, show us. You can superimpose it on the screen even.

Structure:
-Warren hit on it.

Story flow:
-I would rework your script, especially in regards to your actions to help the sentences flow better. This will help for an easier read.
Example:

OVER BLACK:
SUPER: CHRISTMAS EVE
FADE IN:
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
The snow is falling.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
On Christmas Eve the children of the world stay up to try and steal a peek at the one we call, Santa Claus.
Through a closed window, we see the face of,
A GIRL
Silhouetted by the soft glow of a Christmas tree.
This is SARA JO CONRAD, (7), cute as a button.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
On this night, one child stays awake for a more sinister reason.
The lights in the house flitter,
On and Off.
SUPER: KRAMPUS
INT. HOUSE NIGHT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Sara Jo nervously stares out the window.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Sara Jo’s older brother James has a problem. He knows he has been bad. More importantly, he know Krampus is coming for him tonight.
Sara Jo’s eyes dark back and forth. Surveying the landscape.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
First, there will be a switching, then biting and clawing and perhaps Krampus will devour the child in its massive jaws and chew him up until he's nothing but bone. Or perhaps, it will drag James off to Hell.
INT. HOUSE, JAMES’ BEDROOM – NIGHT
A boarded up room. Dark.
JAMES, (9), knells near his bedside, deep in prayer.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
James has made a lot of mistakes this year. He stole from his friends and cussed out his teachers and set a fire or two. The Krampus would fix him good. But, Sara Jo, ever the thinker, had a plan.
(A Beat.)
Sara had her grandmother make Krampus a dolly. The dolly's name was Grace. The doll resembles the Krampus in every way but two. The Krampus has red fur and the dolly has blue. The Dolly is smiling and Krampus most definitely sports a frown. Tonight on this Christmas Eve, Sara Jo knows just what to do. She'll give mean old Krampus this dolly and that’ll surely change its tune.
EXT. HOUSE, SARA JO’S BEDROOM – NIGHT - LATER
Sara Jo’s gaze continues. This time, outside of her window. She fights the battle to close her eyes with every passing second.
We notice her clock that now reads: 12:00AM.
Sara Jo can no longer fight it. Her eyes fade and close.
INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
We hear pawing and snarling coming from outside.
Until,
A SHADOW
Bursts through the front door.
When the shadow comes into the light, we get a better glimpse of it.
It is enormous in stature. With hair covering every inch of its body.
It carries a burlap sack over its right shoulder.
This is KRAMPUS.
It yells out:
KRAMPUS
Bring me the boy, or you'll soon feel my wrath.
INT. HOUSE, BEDROOM – NIGHT
Sara Jo’s eyes dart open. She’s awake.
She reaches nearby for the doll, grabs it and bolts out of her room.
INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Sara Jo races into the room and bumps into the legs of Krampus. Sending her crashing down to the floor.
Krampus stares at Sara. Ready to lash out at any moment.
Sara Jo slowly reaches out the doll to Krampus.
SARA JO
This. This is for you.
Krampus cocks its head to the side.
SARA JO
Please, Mr. Krampus. Take it.
Krampus snarls at the doll.
SARA JO
My brother is very sorry for what he has done. He promises never to do it again. Take this dolly and promise to leave my brother in peace.
Krampus bends down. So very close to Sara.
Sara closes her eyes as she continues to hold out the doll.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The Krampus' heart melted at that moment. No one had ever given him a present.
Krampus snatches to doll from Sara.
It looks at the doll with childish wonder.
KRAMPUS
I think I'll call you Dot.
Sara Jo opens her eyes to the sight of Krampus hugging the doll.
She smiles.
KRAMPUS
Tell your brother to write I am sorry a hundred times and I will never be naughty again and I might tell the big guy in red to leave a little something under the tree for the boy.
Sara Jo motions to Krampus to bend down.
When it does, she kisses his cheek.
A tear forms in Krampus’ eye.
Krampus caresses its cheek as a singled tear begins to flow down the side of its face.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
James did as he was instructed and he was never naughty again. He even found a new train set under the tree for himself on Christmas Day.
FADE OUT:
THE END
-While still not a true horror in my opinion, it adds a little more visual elements of horror to your story.
-I hope some of this helps and makes sense to you, if not, my apologizes.

Keep writing. Keep working at it.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty
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