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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Mind Games
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SimplyScripts
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mind Games by Lee Cordner - Short, Thriller - A troubled man meets with a young female psychiatrist to discuss his homicidal thoughts. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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khamanna
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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There's nothing wrong with it. A bit predictable for me though, but I don't know what to suggest here. He starts creepy, and it's obvious he's very dark and bad and will do something to the psychologist at the end. Maybe if you could let us root for him we wouldn't know.

He's better not tell her he's about to kill her. He's going to do it and we'll see it - no need to put it in words. Overall, the dialog was a bit on the nose, especially that part.
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Warren
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Lee,

Nothing wrong with the writing or formatting.

SPOILERS

Agreed that this is very predictable. You know the psych is going to be the cheerleader instantly. It's a little ridiculous that the psych doesn't remember this really traumatic experience at all, seem like she would have clicked then.


Quoted Text
JOHN
I hurt something she cared about.
Something she loved. And it hurt
her. The next time I saw her, she
was crying at her locker, talking
about what I did.


Very talky, but would be very easy to film so it has the potential to be picked up.

Good luck with it.


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Tyler King
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this!! This has the potential to be so much better, if you could find a way to make it less predictable...also, like Warren said, Sharon should've remembered everything right away. So that kind of killed it for me. But the overall format/writing is terrific, and like I said, the idea is good - and can be great if some changes are made! Good luck!
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RichardR
Posted: August 9th, 2017, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

this one is predictable and too abrupt.  Psychiatrists have all sorts of defenses to such attacks, including cameras and other devices.  And she would not lose all control over a photo.  at that moment, she would know what she was dealing with and use her defenses.  

And you might get a better response if the photo isn't grotesque but one of a pretty little girl.  Keep the audience guessing.

Best
Richard
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Leegion
Posted: August 9th, 2017, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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Apologies for taking a while to respond, but I am here to return the reads if anyone has anything they'd like feedback on.  Shorts and features welcome.

Anyway, this is my first "script" in over a year, so I wanted something short and straight to the point to get me back into the swing of things before I attempted anything else.

There are some issues, but after reading feedback, I'll attempt to iron them out later on down the line, and possibly lengthen the script in the process.

Khamanna, Warren, Tyler, Richard, I owe you one, so let me know if you want a return.
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Tyler King
Posted: August 10th, 2017, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Returns are always welcome.
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Fausto
Posted: August 11th, 2017, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Lee,
the writing style is excellent. The only problem, in my view, is that the script lacks originality. Crazy patients who kill their psychiatrists are very popular. In only 3 pages, you don't have the time to develop a credible story. Maybe, a longer version can fix this problem. You don't have a problem writing, work on it. Develop your characters.
All my best,
Fausto
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