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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Final Rose
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  Author    The Final Rose  (currently 365 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Final Rose by Tyler King - Short, Horror - A young single woman gets a mysterious phone call one night from a secret admirer, willing to do anything to win her heart… 5 pages

production:single location, low budget. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Tyler King
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting this one posted! Hope everyone enjoys it.
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khamanna
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Tyler.

This kept me on my toes. I liked the rose element and the overall creepiness. Nice job.
Few funny lines may make this even better, but just a suggestion. Not important, it's good as is I'd say.
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Warren
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tyler,

Writing and formatting seems to be fine.

I'm not a fan of an untraditional title page, even if it is just a slightly larger font and bolded.

Dialogue is a little on the nose.

Story wise, this is a done to death scenario with nothing overly fresh added to make it unique. The rose yes, but is it enough, I personally don't think so. It's the opening scene of Scream with a rose.

I've written a few pieces like this, common scenarios, more as writing exercises, but I think if you are looking to excite and thrill it needs more punch.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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Tyler King
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks khamanna, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I appreciate the kind words.

Warren, thanks for the suggestions/comments, I appreciate it but just so you know my title isn't any larger than the rest of the script - it's the exact same font/size, just bolded and I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. Just letting you know. Thanks!
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Warren
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Just looks bigger because it's bolded then. Personal preference thing, like most screenwriting 'rules'.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
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Tyler King
Posted: August 6th, 2017, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Just looks bigger because it's bolded then. Personal preference thing, like most screenwriting 'rules'.


It's all good, no worries. And yeah I'm a stickler for rules, but there's a ton of scripts with title pages that vary, so it's hard to know what the "exact" rule is on that, which is probably the least important rule to follow IMO anyways... besides I've heard a lot of people on here stating that they like being creative with their title, which is why I chose to bold it. Nothing too crazy. lol
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LC
Posted: August 7th, 2017, 12:15am Report to Moderator
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Tyler, no need for your address on the script. Email contact is the norm.

Good idea to add this:

(c) 2017 All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

The story is not bad.

I like the single rose petal but I'd go for a misdirect - she opens the closet, the petal's there on the floor, but he's not. Add to the suspense. Where is he? Perhaps he's concealed, camouflaged, up high, watching her all along - for shock value.

One of the creepiest movies I watched was of an intruder who made himself a part of the furniture - I think it was a statue or mannequin he blended in with. He came out only when the woman slept, went to work etc.


What kind of things do you admirer,
Chloe?


Do you want to know what I admirer?

I admirer your beauty...

Huh? That pulled me up a bit...  All instances above need to be 'admire' not admirer. Verb not noun, in this context. Maybe typos?

Short filmmakers love horror so all the best with this.
I just think at the moment it's missing an unexpected element.


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Tyler King
Posted: August 7th, 2017, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Tyler, no need for your address on the script. Email contact is the norm.


Yeah I kind of went back and forth with putting it on there, but a lot of the books/informal websites tell you to put it on there... must be the old school method?


Quoted from LC
Good idea to add this:

(c) 2017 All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.


I didn't include that because a lot of websites tell you not to actually put it on there, as it seems very amateur.


Quoted from LC
The story is not bad.

I like the single rose petal but I'd go for a misdirect - she opens the closet, the petal's there on the floor, but he's not. Add to the suspense. Where is he? Perhaps he's concealed, camouflaged, up high, watching her all along - for shock value.

One of the creepiest movies I watched was of an intruder who made himself a part of the furniture - I think it was a statue or mannequin he blended in with. He came out only when the woman slept, went to work etc.


I'm glad you liked the overall story... thanks for the ideas/suggestions. I'll definitely consider them when I come back to this for a rewrite.


Quoted from LC
What kind of things do you admirer,
Chloe?


Do you want to know what I admirer?

I admirer your beauty...

Huh? That pulled me up a bit...  All instances above need to be 'admire' not admirer. Verb not noun, in this context. Maybe typos?

Short filmmakers love horror so all the best with this.
I just think at the moment it's missing an unexpected element.


Definitely a typo. My bad.   Thanks for pointing that out though!!
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eldave1
Posted: August 7th, 2017, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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I like the rose petal.

I did not like the dialogue - I found it a bit unnatural and on the nose. For example - in this sequence:


CHLOE
Uh, yeah... hi. Who is this?
.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
No one of particular importance.

ANYONE WOULD HANG UP HERE

CHLOE
Then why are you calling me?

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
I just want to talk... get to know
you more.

Chloe rolls her eyes.

AND CERTAINLY HANG UP HERE

CHLOE
Well call someone else. I'm trying
to watch my show

AND NEVER SHARE DETAILS WITH A STALKER STRANGER IN SUCH A NONCHALANT MANNER

Sorry - it just struck me as dialogue for exposition purposes rather than a natural exchange.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 7th, 2017, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Tyler, not bad.  Not bad at all.

Like Warren said, this has been done to death and this also does "scream" of the opening of Scream, but tit also works for some reason.

I'm not familiar with this show, and if it's made up, I'd lose it and simply allude that she's watching Bachelor/Bachelorette.

And, like Libby pointed out, you have a number of typos in here.

One thing I want to point out is your overuse of wrylies.  Just way, WAY too many.  I don't care what peeps have told you before, but trust me, you do not need a wrylie like "into phone" or the like.  Really, I don't think you need a single one of these you've used here - I mean I think there are 6 or so in 5 pages.  Unnecessary.

Final problem is the reality of this little setup.  This takes place in a bedroom...a 23 year old's bedroom, meaning I doubt it's very big.  If someone is hiding in the bedroom closet, which is attached to the bedroom, I think it would be pretty obvious that the voice is coming from there.  Know what I'm saying?

Good effort, though.  Keep it up!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Tyler King
Posted: August 7th, 2017, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for taking the time to read this and reply, you guys. This was written rather quickly, not to say that as an excuse by any means... I just wanted something else to write as practice and thought it was good enough to post, but I do understand (and appreciate) your criticism!
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Dustin
Posted: August 9th, 2017, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale

...but tit also works for some reason.



Always works for me too.
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Dustin
Posted: August 9th, 2017, 4:17am Report to Moderator
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Code

Her only garment is a Colts jersey... long enough to cover down under...



Australia?

Code

CHLOE, 23, lies sprawled out on her bed. Her only garment is
a Colts jersey... long enough to cover down under, short
enough to ogle her long, smooth legs.



Ogle is the wrong verb. It's fine to admire. To ogle is lecherous and puts me in mind of a dirty old man.

Code

She slides her thick-framed glasses back on her delicate
nose, gorgeous eyes glued to the flat-screen on her dresser
across the room. "The Eligible Man" is on, a reality dating
game show similar to "The Bachelor".



Overuse of the pronoun 'her'.


Code

Her phone RINGS. She answers.

CHLOE
(into phone)
Hello?

STATIC on the other end.

She glances at the caller ID.
It reads: "Unknown".



Wouldn't she glance at the caller ID before she answers? Better here, would be to have the unknown number ring and she ignores it. Then it rings again.

Code

Chloe rolls her eyes, goes back to her show.



Her show?

Code

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
No one of particular importance.



Sounds like something a character from a 1970s cartoon would say.

Code

CHLOE
You're fucking sick. I'm calling
the cops.



She seriously didn't realise that by leaving the curtains open and walking around naked at night that she would draw unwanted attention? She is genuinely shocked at the revelation. Is this a comedy?

It needs lots of work, but a good student director could make something out of this with a minimal rewrite - depending on which direction they want to take it.
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Tyler King
Posted: August 9th, 2017, 4:45am Report to Moderator
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Thought I would update everyone on this. I received an email from someone that is interested in filming this, and I agreed to let them use this as long as they credited me and sent me a final copy. I think that's pretty exciting!
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