Arrival of Light by Steve Miles - Short, Sci Fi, Drama - In a future where every choice is measured by its risk, a disillusioned man looks to his past for a way to escape his present. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Steve,

Quoted Text AUDITOR I don’t know that’s medically proven.

Is it missing an if?

Totally engrossing. Well done.

I think the writing is almost flawless.

A really enjoyable read. I have nothing to add.

All the best.

Loved it. I connect with Levine, he's my type of guy. I think this would also make a great short story. If there aren't any filmmakers out there to appreciate this, then you should consider writing it up as a short story.

Nice work, mate.

I liked everything about it but I wish it had a stronger ending. The way you have it now is loses me. Did he decide to kill himself? Or he continues to do whatever he wants?
Also, why now? That question was on my mind from the very beginning as well.

Although it's still beautifully written and extremely atmospheric and clever.

Well done here, squire. Done so well I forgot to take notes - absorbed in it.

Warren, Dustin, Khamanna, Dave - thanks all for reading.

Dustin - the prose approach is certainly plan B.  I dip into it every now and then but I’m just too impatient to see it through - almost too much choice.  I pretty sure at some point I’ll at least write up a short or two.

Khamanna - both fair points.  I’m not sure I’ve got a answer to the first.  I went back and forth on what to ‘show’ in that last scene - whether it’s more from Levine’s POV, happily swimming through the water or from the boy’s simply watching him swim away.  I saw it as more the act itself that was the end point rather than where it led.  I didn’t see Levine as swimming off to die though - a little too ambiguous perhaps.

Cheers again for taking the time.  If anyone has anything they want a read on in return just let me know.

Steve

I personally liked the ambiguity, so much so that I think it would take away from the story to make it more clear.

I'd love for you take a look at my new one, A Happy Family.

Levine swims in the sea because he's told that he shouldn't. I also like that, rather than there being a legal ramification to breaking Big Brother's rules there is a material penalty or fine in the cost of health insurance. Levine clearly loves life so much that he is prepared to take the consequences of living it more fully.

The subtlety of this work is its strength. Even if lost on most, I would hate to see the writer simplify.

In regard short stories, I've just fully finished my first one. 6.5k words. Last time I wrote a short story was around 15 years ago. I have to be honest, it's a very freeing experience as a writer. Not only that, but you can self-publish. If 10 people read and enjoy your short that's better than it sitting around gathering dust waiting for a filmmaker. Worse, waiting for a filmmaker that will only eff it up.

All the best.

The ability to self-publish is a game-changer.  That's the issue with scripts, as a creative work they're limited and you are at the mercy of someone else's interpretation.  I recently saw the initial results of a project I'd been waiting on for two years.  The director took a different approach to the one on paper to the extent it's likely to be abandoned - pity as some of it looked pretty good.

Steve,

Read this a few days ago, then just now so it'd be fresh in my mind. Not much I can say on story, as I can find nothing that I'd change. So, I'll mention that what you did so well here is you find a way to evoke pure emotion, a longing that belongs to a character that most of us can relate to. And if you're able to do that, in my opinion, your story is golden. Like Andy Dufresne in Shawahank - hope. Levine - longing for the way things used to be, a connection to his youth and to simpler times. It's universal, and it's something readers like myself, and all the other commenters apparently, can latch onto. Extremely well done, Steve. Probably my favorite that I've read from you.

Steve

Thanks Steve, glad you liked it.  I appreciate your time.

Steve

This is just my take on the script. I have not read any of the other reviews so if I say the same thing as someone else please forgive me. So here goes:

An LED LIGHT should be A LED LIGHT
LED on sugar container, are there LED's on everything?
A comma after Clerk's man... Clerk's, man??? it might read better.
Absently thumbs watch but is conscious of it... Absently and Conscious go against each other.
OK this one is my stupidity but what the hell is an anorak????
Can we effectively film his mind being elsewhere and all that when his reality mind is already in a flashback????
To me the dialogue in the waiting room is confusing...  But hey I confuse easily.
Levine flinches, fighting the urge to turn from the fury of sound and energy passing inches from his face O.S. Is this ALL off screen???
Levine smiles sadly.  Of course he knows.  Who knows, Levine?? The Auditor?? The audience might not GET this.
He's naked save for a swim-cap.     Huh?? Makes no sense to me.
All in all it is a good story.
Seems man-kind is headed in that direction.  Maybe you are Nostradamus.
Good Job man.

Quoted from Michael An LED LIGHT should be A LED LIGHT

If you read out the whole thing rather than saying the abbreviation like most people then perhaps you would use 'a'. A light emitting diode. However, most people say 'L-E-D', L begins with 'e'. A word that should be omitted here though is 'light' as all LEDs are lights.

Thanks Michael (and Dustin - yeah I guess the 'light' part would be redundant here), some valid points.  I always get pulled up on the use of anorak.  Brit term for a raincoat - or at least sensible middle-age outdoor-wear.

Cheers for the read.

Steve

In pre production.

- Don