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Fatal Revelation by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama, Supernatural - A supernatural revelation abruptly impacts the lives of three people. 9 pages - pdf, format
If nothing else has changed this can be written as MOMENTS LATER.
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MARA, ALBERT (in unison
I don't think you need this wrylie, the way you have formatted it means it's in unison.
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MARTIN (slowly) How did you find out about the diamonds? Alcester stares at Mara and Albert with an inquisitive glance. Mara stares at Albert. MARA (whispering) Tell him. Albert looks at Alcester as if he was waiting for his assistance. Alcester's expression remains imperturbable. 3. ALBERT I read the letters you wrote to Grandma when you were in South Africa. MARTIN Where did you find them? ALBERT I was cleaning the attic, they were in an old chest. MARTIN Who gave you the permission to read my letters? MARA Nobody, I was curious. MARTIN (upset) Shame on you, you shouldn't have read those letters, they didn't belong to you. ALBERT You and Grandma are dead. What you care...we need those diamonds. You always said that you loved us. Prove it! MARTIN It is because I loved you that I don't want to give them to you. Terrible things can happen, those stones are cursed. Somebody may die. ALBERT How come you didn't die? MARTIN I was able to break the curse. ALBERT How? A long silence. MARA (insistingly) How Grandpa? 4. MARTIN I... A beat. MARTIN (cont'd) Now, it's no longer important. ALBERT Maybe, they were never cursed, it's only in your mind. MARTIN I saw my coworkers die after they hid a few stones. A long silence interrupts the conversation. Alcester intervenes. ALCESTER Martin, are you tired? Do you want to rest?
This is a perfect example of on the nose, expositional dialogue. The characters are saying exactly what they think, no one talks like this. Also you are telling your story through dialogue.
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Alcester's expression remains imperturbable.
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It's pitchblack. Indeed, a spooky atmosphere.
I've mentioned this to you before, but look at the contrast between these two sentences. One has a word that me, as a native English speaker, had to look up. It adds nothing, why not just say calm?
Then the other sentence is childlike "indeed" and "spooky". I think more time should be spent on basic English than these huge words that don't add to the content of your script.
Lots of awkward writing. Some missing punctuation.
I didn't understand the ending at all, so the Séance is the curse, what? And then he dies as well, I'm so lost.
Because I really didn't understand this story at it's core I cant really make suggestions on how to improve it.
Hi Warren, thank you very much for your review and comments...you know what the sad part of all this is? When I write, I think that the dialogue is written correctly...this makes me very upset but, unfortunately, as a non-English speaker, this is the way I "see" the dialogue. And I have to do a lot of work to try to make it less on-the-nose. Regarding the "big words" I use, it's not because I want to show off, but you may notice that they all have Ancient Latin/Italian roots. These are the words that we use in Italian and are also used in English as well. I have written many scripts in Italian and some are under negotiation in Italy...but writing in English is much more complicated for me. Thank you for your patience and willingness to help me. All my best, Fausto
If a filmmaker doesn't know what perturb means then probably best avoiding them anyway.
Code
Alcester stares at Mara and Albert with an inquisitive
glance.
Awkward... stare and glance mean the same thing in this instance - aside from one being faster. A stare indicates a lengthy look, while a glance suggests a fleeting one.
Alcester studies Mara and Albert.
'Studies' suggests his inquisitiveness.
I'm going to read this later and give a fuller review of your writing if you're up for it?
Dustin, thank you for your intention to read this script. Of course, I appreciate it. I'm not looking for empty compliments...what I need is direct criticism even if it hurts. This is the only way to learn. My best, Fausto
Just use the words that build the image... especially if it is information you should deliver quickly.
Dark-purple walls.
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A small round table and three chairs around it are the only
furniture.
Aside from 'and' being wrong (you should have used 'with') this image isn't enough for me to see what you want me to see. What type of chairs are they? Is the table only small enough to fit the three chairs?
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The flickering flame of three candles in the middle of the
table illuminates the room.
You should be looking to add this information to the first action block where you have described the table.
Something like...
Three wooden dining chairs surround a small, round table that holds three lit candles.
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A eerie atmosphere permeates the place.
An eerie.
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MARA, a good-looking woman and ALBERT,
Missing comma after 'woman'.
I decided to read the entire story and, for me, it lacks cohesion. The medium is merely an opportunist. I think there's a story here but you should consider changing things. Maybe have the medium kidnapped and forced into being possessed, then he tricks his way out, kills his captors, and gets the loot... or not.