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Skip - QC - filmed (currently 3687 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:15pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Skip by Gary Howell writing as Joe Blow - Short, Drama - A woman finds it difficult to communicate with her mother, but will that change when her great-granddaughter comes for a visit? 3 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work++++++++++++++++ This has been filmed and can be viewed at: https://vimeo.com/317623019 - the password is !skip_ |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - July 13th, 2019, 7:59pm | | |
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Cooper |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:01am |
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New
Posts68 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Wow, a jump rope wasn't used as a tool of death?! Way to be lol.
This is a sweet story. Well balanced. Liked the ending. Simple. Might be one of my favorites so far. |
| Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know. |
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Reply: 1 - 38 |
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khamanna |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:44am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Hey.
I sensed some exposition in the dialog - when Anna says "like I taught your mother. And like my mom taught me" . I also didn't like "Always was your favorite, that Jane". Those parts don't seem to flow well for me. Other than that it's a sweet little tale well told. I think you could get away with some dialog. Just tell us Gloria doesn't remember anything and the rhyme. |
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Reply: 2 - 38 |
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Warren |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:09am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi,
Thought this was a well written piece. I think it would make a good short but to read it it's a little too much for me.
I know it's good, but it's a taste thing with this one. |
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Reply: 3 - 38 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:22am |
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Guest User
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How come Anna gets late 50s and Jane gets 27? Why be age specific in one case and not the other?
Code ANNA
Where did you learn that song?
SOPHIE
My mom taught me.
ANNA
Like I taught her. And like my mom
taught me. Speaking of which... |
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She'd know where she learned the song from. Wouldn't need to be said. This information still should be delivered but a rewording is necessary, IMO. Something like... ANNA I remember teaching your mom that song when she was your age. I didn't feel anything at the end. Maybe I'm not in the mood for a heart-warming. |
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Reply: 4 - 38 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:19am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
A sweet tale. You really telegraphed what was going to happen with the song by having Anna point it out for the audience. I'd suggest letting it happen in a more natural way.
Predictable but a very decent effort for 3 pages.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 5 - 38 |
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Talldave |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:16am |
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New
Posts132 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
So, as people pointed out, there are spots where dialogue seems a little meh. Other than that, great little heart warmer.
Maybe it worked for me because I got kids and I've seen the magic they work on even the saddest situations, but it felt real and I loved that. Good job. |
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Reply: 6 - 38 |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:41pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Not bad at all. It just felt lukewarm to me. Maybe because it was very predictable. I would also think that Gloria is in a nursing home rather than a retirement home.
If you're going to rewrite this, I would suggest making Gloria not really remember much of anything. Maybe she calls her own daughter by the wrong name or such and then let the song play part later on. Skip the prior exposition where she tells the granddaughter her mom taught her that same song and reveal that only after Gloria recognizes the song. |
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Reply: 7 - 38 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:24pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
I think you can tighten this up. Not sure you need the first scene at all. It establishes that Anna is taking Sophie to see her great-grandmother. But then you have to repeat that same information in the car:
Quoted Text SOPHIE Where are we going, gram?
ANNA To my mom, love. Your great-gram. |
It also establishes the song, but Jane is already out of the scene when that happens. You could just start in the car with Anna and Sophie driving to the retirement home. Sophie sings the song in the car. Then again in the retirement while jumping rope like you already have. Also, I'd try and rework this line:
Quoted Text ANNA Like I taught her. And like my mom taught me. Speaking of which.. |
Maybe something like: ANNA Bet you can't guess who taught her that. SOPHIE (grinning) You! |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 8 - 38 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:00pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
This played out just how I figured. It was a nice story but nothing I'd go out of my way to see. Most of the dialog was expected. Shake it up a bit. You can get to the same ending by taking a path less traveled. |
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Reply: 9 - 38 |
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stevie |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:39pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Nice little feel good story. Used the props well. Yeah some of the dialogue needs to be changed but overall it was cool |
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Reply: 10 - 38 |
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Sandra Elstree. |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:18pm |
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Of The Ancients What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
LocationBowden, Alberta Posts3664 Posts Per Day 0.60 |
Nice. Sweet.
Who says things need to be complicated to be good.
This was well written and I don't have any complaints.
Sandra |
| A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Reply: 11 - 38 |
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grademan |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:55pm |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Not much to add at this point. I liked the way the rope was used. |
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Reply: 12 - 38 |
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Michael |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:39pm |
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New Hi to all, it's great to be here.
LocationVirginia Posts68 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Nice little sentimental story...
Good job. |
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Reply: 13 - 38 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:41pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
So, like others have pointed out, a bit of exposition at the beginning that could be done away with or modified to make it a little less obvious what's coming. Still a sweet ending - no one committing suicide, no Satan burning down the place, no shotgunning of dogs or pedophilia. Yay! On another note, I've read somewhere that people with Alzheimer's have actually shown improvements in memory when utilizing songs. Look at Glen Campbell. That guy was pretty deep in and could still play a guitar with the best of them. So good incorporation of that if that's what you were going for.
Best of luck, Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 14 - 38 |
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