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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Skip - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Skip by Joe Blow - Short, Drama - A woman finds it difficult to communicate with her mother, but will that change when her great-granddaughter comes for a visit? 3 pages - pdf, format

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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:01am Report to Moderator
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Wow, a jump rope wasn't used as a tool of death?! Way to be lol.

This is a sweet story. Well balanced. Liked the ending. Simple. Might be one of my favorites so far.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:44am Report to Moderator
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Hey.

I sensed some exposition in the dialog - when Anna says "like I taught your mother. And like my mom taught me" . I also didn't like "Always was your favorite, that Jane". Those parts don't seem to flow well for me.
Other than that it's a sweet little tale well told.
I think you could get away with some dialog. Just tell us Gloria doesn't remember anything and the rhyme.
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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Thought this was a well written piece. I think it would make a good short but to read it it's a little too much for me.

I know it's good, but it's a taste thing with this one.


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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:22am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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How come Anna gets late 50s and Jane gets 27? Why be age specific in one case and not the other?

Code

ANNA
Where did you learn that song?

SOPHIE
My mom taught me.

ANNA
Like I taught her. And like my mom
taught me. Speaking of which...



She'd know where she learned the song from. Wouldn't need to be said. This information still should be delivered but a rewording is necessary, IMO. Something like...

ANNA
I remember teaching your mom that song when
she was your age.


I didn't feel anything at the end. Maybe I'm not in the mood for a heart-warming.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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A sweet tale. You really telegraphed what was going to happen with the song by having Anna point it out for the audience. I'd suggest letting it happen in a more natural way.

Predictable but a very decent effort for 3 pages.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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So, as people pointed out, there are spots where dialogue seems a little meh. Other than that, great little heart warmer.

Maybe it worked for me because I got kids and I've seen the magic they work on even the saddest situations, but it felt real and I loved that. Good job.
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Angry Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad at all. It just felt lukewarm to me. Maybe because it was very predictable. I would also think that Gloria is in a nursing home rather than a retirement home.

If you're going to rewrite this, I would suggest making Gloria not really remember much of anything. Maybe she calls her own daughter by the wrong name or such and then let the song play part later on. Skip the prior exposition where she tells the granddaughter her mom taught her that same song and reveal that only after Gloria recognizes the song.


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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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I think you can tighten this up. Not sure you need the first scene at all. It establishes that Anna is taking Sophie to see her great-grandmother. But then you have to repeat that same information in the car:


Quoted Text
SOPHIE
Where are we going, gram?

ANNA
To my mom, love. Your great-gram.


It also establishes the song, but Jane is already out of the scene when that happens. You could just start in the car with Anna and Sophie driving to the retirement home. Sophie sings the song in the car. Then again in the retirement while jumping rope like you already have.

Also, I'd try and rework this line:


Quoted Text
ANNA
Like I taught her. And like my mom
taught me. Speaking of which..


Maybe something like:

ANNA
Bet you can't guess who taught her that.

SOPHIE
(grinning)
You!


That rug really tied the room together.
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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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This played out just how I figured. It was a nice story but nothing I'd go out of my way to see. Most of the dialog was expected. Shake it up a bit. You can get to the same ending by taking a path less traveled.
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Nice little feel good story. Used the props well. Yeah some of the dialogue needs to be changed but overall it was cool


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Nice. Sweet.

Who says things need to be complicated to be good.

This was well written and I don't have any complaints.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Not much to add at this point. I liked the way the rope was used.
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Michael
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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Nice little sentimental story...

Good job.
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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, like others have pointed out, a bit of exposition at the beginning that could be done away with or modified to make it a little less obvious what's coming.  Still a sweet ending - no one committing suicide, no Satan burning down the place, no shotgunning of dogs or pedophilia.  Yay!  On another note, I've read somewhere that people with Alzheimer's have actually shown improvements in memory when utilizing songs.  Look at Glen Campbell.  That guy was pretty deep in and could still play a guitar with the best of them. So good incorporation of that if that's what you were going for.

Best of luck,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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