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I got kinda lost toward the end. But I think the ghosts are representative of the dead person's younger self. Needs a bit of work, but is a worthy enough story.
Oh, wow. THis was a captivating read, kept me on my toes. And suddenly works. I don't know who the girl is and why these ghost kids are suddenly attacking all the residents of the nursing home but the images in this are very powerful.
I hadn't heard either of those nursery rhymes before so that didn't have much effect. Didn't get the hound either. Would the nurse call to inform of someone passing so quick? Eh, it's horror and doesn't really matter.
Soooo...was the girl the old lady or the nurse? I was sure it was the old lady until a boy showed up for the janitor.
Regardless, this has a high creep factor and I liked it. Give it another page or two and you may have something here.
So, when a person dies, they see a young person jump roping? Is that the message?
Why did the janitor vanish early on?
Interesting, but, while it might seem sinister, the fact is, death is a part of "life" so to speak. Nothing sinister about it. If there is something sinister happening, we need to know why.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
First passage loaded with completely unnecessary unfilmables.
"The Girl's skipping rope..." - so...listen...this is passive, first of all, but more importantly, it's awkward, because used like this, it could mean 2 completely different things - 1) The girl is skipping rope, or 2) There is a "skipping rope" that belongs to the girl.
The writing continues to be what I refer to as awkward, and the story, for me, is nonexistent. The jump rope here has been shoehorned in to meet the challenge.
So the janitor is like, "Helen? Hmm." I guess he's used to seeing dead bodies lying around the place.
This was just kind of weird for me, a girl appears jumping rope AFTER Rosemarie dies, but then Helen dies after seeing the jump rope girl. And a hound at the window! But then the Janitor sees a kid with a toy gun. Now he's going to die? If I'm following the logic here, then Rosemarie must have seen someone, but we don't know, because it wasn't shown. So maybe she just died of natural causes and the kids are out to seek vengeance on the nursing home workers.
Not badly written, just a tad confusing.
Good luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Creepy in places and would be great with a clean up of a few things.
Just to be pedantic, IMO there is a difference between a skipping rope and a jump rope: the former is smaller and used by one person while a proper jump rope is usually much longer and is tied to a tree or held by another person to swing.
The writing seems awkward. Good in spots, though. Some creepy stuff going on here, but nothing to really explain who the Girl or boy was, and what they signified. That's needed, IMO. Not a bad effort though!
This was pretty creepy, but too much for just 3 pages... I was pretty confused. I wouldn't mind seeing you expand this into something longer. There's potential here.
Nicely written in a sense that I could clearly see what was going on, could do with a polish to get rid of some unfilmables.
Atmospheric and creepy for sure but confusing. Why are these hellish kids appearing? I've no idea, and that in itself is the problem for me. Random supernatural occurrences are great for a writer looking to write themselves out of a corner but they are not satisfying for the viewer.
You are onto something here though, flesh this out over a few more pages and you may have yourself a very creepy short script.
-Mark
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Nothing new to really add here. Had some creepy moments. Like everyone else, I wanted these ghost appearances to have some purpose.
It could be a simple revenge tale, maybe the nurse has been killing patients. Although that's not even remotely original. Hopefully you can develop this story more. Solid effort.
The best thing about this was it had that empty weird spook factor going on.
The visuals were really strong with the janitor there, late in the night feel.
I could almost hear the echoes.
The trouble with it is lack of co--relation with ideas that made it into the story. There weren't legitimate reasons for their existence. Even the jumprope, with the ghost girl. What is her link to Helen?
Definitely creepy, child ghosts seem kind of random though. I'm sure there's a myth or legend we're missing, will be interested to hear the writer explain it.