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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Paper Airplane
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Don
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Paper Airplane by Logan McDonald - Short, Drama - A man working in a high-rise in New York City finds a paper airplane with a disturbing note  that claims a woman is being held captive in one of the rooms. 25 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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First page problems that are going to dampen your reads.


Quoted Text
EXT. FINANCIAL DISTRICT NYC - 22 MAIN STREET - MORNING


Don't put the address in the slug. Tell us about the building.

EXT. NEW YORK FINANCIAL DISTRICT/SKYSCRAPER - MORNING


Quoted Text
The fifty story building looms over FiDi.


FiDi ?????

INT. VACANT APARTMENT - DAY


Quoted Text
The door unlicks and in walks Leon with a young couple and a
Broker. Leon walks them into the living room and lets them
wonder.


Unlocks not  unlicks
Wander - not wonder
Young Couple and Broker should be CAPPED


Quoted Text
WOMAN
What direction is this facing?


You never intro'd her as a character.


Quoted Text
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
Leon and company ride the elevator down to the office floor.


Who is company?


Quoted Text
INT. HALLWAY - AFTERNOON
Leon walks down the hallway lined with glass windows that
look over the courtyard. He glandes outside and something
catches his eye;


glances - not glands

That is from page 1 - I am assuming there are similar issues on the other pages - a clean up here would be worthwhile.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Simon
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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This took a while to get going. I think you should cut some of the dialogue that isn't necessary. Why was Leon so obsessed with the paper airplane in the first place? I would have thought most people would have ignored it. Why didn't Leon just phone the police, instead of just worrying constantly? 'I can't. They're expecting me back in five minutes. I'll come back. I promise.' That's a bit of a weird thing to say, coming from a person who put so much effort into helping her. Your writing isn't bad, however.


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Logan McDonald
Posted: September 6th, 2017, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback guys.

Dave- Thank you for pointing out the typos. Ill do another revision and see what else i can fix.

Simon- I was aiming for a slower pace (kind of like Blow Up) but there is definitely some dialogue i can at least make more interesting.

I mostly considered just plain curiosity as Leon's main drive to look at the note. The inciting incident is something that actually happened to me while i was working in a high-rise. The whole kidnapped woman thing didn't happen though, obviously haha.


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eldave1
Posted: September 6th, 2017, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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No problem - glad it helped - best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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