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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  The Dig
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Don
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Dig by Simon Parker - Short, Thriller - Taking up gardening to help clear his head, a young man accidentally discovers the burial group used by the mafia. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,

I can only see the title page and 2 pages of the script. It's not standard as I'm sure you know because I've read some of your stuff which is.

Can’t comment on the story because it isn’t complete.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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Which software did you use to convert this into a .pdf? My eyes don't like the look of the text and I had to retrain my brain to read it. Not a pleasant experience. Even with the two pages you have though, the story reads clunky, lacks flow, like a 1st draft.
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Don
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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This has been fixed.

- Don


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JakeJon
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Simon,
Not much here for me.   Finding body parts would have been "better"  maybe?  

The Logline told it all, no?

Perhaps there's a "bigger" story here.

JJ
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ThomasB
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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I too have used the name "Mario" for the antagonist before.

I think that pacing is important here. The way it ends up on screen can greatly impact this story for better or worse. I want to see the tension build between Luke and Mario leading up to that moment.


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Logan McDonald
Posted: September 12th, 2017, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon,
This is a good idea. You should definitely keep on this and give it a once over to clean up any typos. I thought a bit of the dialogue was clunky and didn’t feel very natural. I think a couple extra pages could help flesh out the tension and characters a bit more. Over all it’s a fun idea!


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