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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Mr. Bellamin's Kindergarten Class
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  Author    Mr. Bellamin's Kindergarten Class  (currently 346 views)
Don
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mr. Bellamin's Kindergarten Class by Rodney Ohebsion - Short, Comedy, Animated Sit Com - An Adult Swim style animated series about an opinionated, unfiltered, divorced 40 year old kindergarten teacher who educates his students in an unconventional manner. In each episode, he teaches a new subject to the class--for instance, in the pilot, he teaches them economics, and he covers things like alimony, interest rates, plumbers overcharging customers, the role golddiggers have in the economy, etc.  14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: September 14th, 2017, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Rodney,

I tried to give this a go but bailed on page 5 and just scrolled through the rest.

This is 14 pages of dialogue, nothing happens, can you imagine how boring that would be to watch.

You donít introduce any of your kindergarten characters and they all sound exactly the same. Constant "um, like" or "like, um"

This is going to need a bit more than him teaching a different subject each week to give it any punch.

All the best.


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Dustin
Posted: September 15th, 2017, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Is it important that Mr Bellamin is white?

I got to page 4. As said earlier, this is just too much dialogue. It's mildly entertaining for a while, but not for 14 pages. It needs something more.
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