Loca by Ashley Lopez - Short, Drama - A crazy woman is set on regaining the love of her ex-husband and has a crazy idea on how to do so. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Ashley,

Quoted Text INT. APARTMENT - DAY (2005)

If you want that date to be seen by the audience it needs to be written as a super. SUPER: 2005.

Quoted Text A married couple is arguing. KARLA (39) and ROBERTO (45) are arguing because Karla finds out her husband of 11 years is cheating on her with a white woman. Roberto revealed this secret and is happy to tell his wife the news.

So there is quite a lot going on here. The writing is passive. Most of this is unfilmable. How would we know they are married, how would we know they have been married 11 years, how would we know he has been cheating, how would we know it was with a white woman(and why does it matter), and how would we know he is happy to reveal his secret. Not one of those things can be put on film visually as they are currently written. Scripts need to be visual you need to tell us what we see and more importantly it needs to be something we can see. You also tell us twice that they are arguing.

I tried to keep going but couldn’t make it past page two then skimmed. The problems mentioned above continue throughout the entire script.

My best recommendation is that you read a lot more scripts and articles on the art of screenwriting.

All the best.

Ashley: welcome to the site.

I echo Warren's comments here. All these passages:

Quoted Text A married couple is arguing. KARLA (39) and ROBERTO (45) are arguing because Karla finds out her husband of 11 years is cheating on her with a white woman. Roberto revealed this secret and is happy to tell his wife the news.

Quoted Text Karla's daughter ROSA MARIA (17) is confronting her mother about her concerns. Rosa Maria is afraid that her mother is mentally ill after she finds a handgun in her nightstand.

Quoted Text The days are rolling by, Rosa Maria watches her mother grow more and more anxious because the fifth year anniversary of her parents' divorce is approaching.

Got to go. It isn't a novel so you should stick to writing what can be seen or heard. None of the above meets that criteria. Check out some scripts and you'll get the point.

Some notes.

This one reads more like a story than a screenplay.  Lots of explanation that isn't shown on the screen.  Lots of talk that says the same thing.  You might rethink this one and skip all the prelim and get to the scene where she meets Trish.  From there, you can write a compelling story that might just twist and turn several more times.

Best
Richard