Easy Money by Paul Dombrovskis - Short, Comedy, Thriller - A guy accepts a job offer to stalk a person, but things quickly go out of control. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A terrible logline. Loglines for shorts should be easy.

The story, though, is OK. I was a little disappointed that the twist was the most obvious one, but it's not a bad story.

Hmm - almost like you're guessing at the correct formatting rather than selecting. It had me bailing after a page. Typos are everywhere. If the writer's around I'll add more detail - but after one page it says there is a lot of tidying up to do.  

Quoted from DustinBowcot A terrible logline. Loglines for shorts should be easy.

I have changed it to - Man’s greed makes him accept a questionable job offer

Quoted from eldave1 Hmm - almost like you're guessing at the correct formatting rather than selecting. It had me bailing after a page. Typos are everywhere. If the writer's around I'll add more detail - but after one page it says there is a lot of tidying up to do.

Absolutely! Would appreciate your feedback on proper formatting

Quoted Text EXT. SUBURBAN STREET-DAY

You're missing a space - should be ...STREET - DAY. Not STREET-DAY. True of all your headings  

Quoted Text A beat-up old 4-door rolls up to a curb and stops. Inside is an unkempt man (FLOYD in his twenties), staring across the street, to- nondescript upper class house. Looks like every house on the block.

Two issues. What is "to-". Just complete the sentence.
Biggest issue is that you have an EXT scene heading but you're inside the car.  I would change this to intro Floyd in the next scene.

Quoted Text INT. FLOYD'S CAR-CONTINUOUS Floyd reaches for a crumpled up piece of paper on the dashboard, reads it- '335 W Trome Dr, Lees Summit.'

You don't need continuous.
Again with the "t-"
Should be ..reads it:
Should be Dr. Lee's Summit.

Quoted Text Suddenly Floyd attention is stolen - a Range Rover pulls into the driveway and parks. A man (MARK, early 50s, looks coming from a gym) gets out. As he unloads some groceries he glances over and notices Floyd, watching him.

Don't intro your characters withing parenthesis. Okay for age 0 mark (50s) - but not the entire description.

Quoted Text Floyd immediately plays it off, starts his car and goes... Montage of Floyd driving. FLOYD (VO)

The montage should start before the VO

Quoted Text EXT. CITY STREET-FLASHBACK-DAY

Same issues with the spaces.

Quoted Text INSERT:

You have this formatted as a transition - should be same as scene heading.

That's from page 1 - fix those throughout and I'll take another look. Best of luck.

Thanks for the feedback. Here is the corrected and just generally updated script:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3Y0SVDgpWTleVMyLThOMlRiOGc/view?usp=sharing

Page 1 is much better - but still some issues.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

A beat-up old 4-door rolls up to a curb and stops.

Quoted Text INT. FLOYD'S CAR - DAY

Probably get away with the above since it is clear. However, if it were me, I would go with:

INT/EXT. FLOYD'S CAR - (PARKED) - DAY

Since the action takes place both inside and outside.

Quoted Text Interior is littered and a well built, FLOYD, late 20s, in a open hoodie and light tank top underneath it starring at a lavish upper class house

In all your descriptions you can lose the "is" - reads crisper. i,e, "Littered with days of trash" or just  - "Littered."  

You can lose the "and" -it  confuses read. e.g., Start with Floyd.

FLOYD (late 20s), well built, wearing a hoodie stares at a.....

If it were e, I would not describe clothes under the hoodie - we can't see them and it doesn't really matter.  

Quoted Text Suddenly Floyd attention is stolen

Typo - should be Floyd's

Quoted Text INT. FLOYDS CAR - DAY

Typo - should be Floyd's

Paul - the above is nitty. You made great progress between the original and the re-write. But as you can see,  one really needs to fine tooth comb these things.

Hi Paul,

I thought your story had some good action sequences and I liked your main character. In terms of areas that could be improved, I thought the ending was a little anticlimactic. Like Dustin said, the twist was predictable. And this is just personally, but I would have preferred if the setting could be in different locales than mostly just the house. I feel like, visually, it might get a little boring for a thriller.

That tells me I need to set up that the Man Floyd is stalking to be more of a creepy and weird character to make the audience buy in that that is his thing. He hires suckers to stalk him and plays these weird games with them and it is not going to end well for Floyd.

Quoted from eldave1 Page 1 is much better - but still some issues. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY A beat-up old 4-door rolls up to a curb and stops. Probably get away with the above since it is clear. However, if it were me, I would go with: INT/EXT. FLOYD'S CAR - (PARKED) - DAY Since the action takes place both inside and outside. In all your descriptions you can lose the "is" - reads crisper. i,e, "Littered with days of trash" or just  - "Littered."   You can lose the "and" -it  confuses read. e.g., Start with Floyd. FLOYD (late 20s), well built, wearing a hoodie stares at a..... If it were e, I would not describe clothes under the hoodie - we can't see them and it doesn't really matter.   Typo - should be Floyd's Typo - should be Floyd's Paul - the above is nitty. You made great progress between the original and the re-write. But as you can see,  one really needs to fine tooth comb these things.

Worked them in.  English is not my first language so there will be many typos and I am planning to give to someone to spell check it. Thanks for the suggestions.

No problem - glad it helped