SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 19th, 2018, 4:29am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Writers Choice and Who Wrote What
have been posted!


Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Touché - OWC Moderators: khamanna
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Touché - OWC  (currently 1037 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 11:01am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12543
Posts Per Day
1.95
Touché by Anonymous4 - Adult, Short, Drama - A young man discovers that the only cure for his phobia is vengeance. 12 pages - pdf, format

Aphenphosmphobia - Fear of being touched


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
UK
Posts
1345
Posts Per Day
0.70
Well written, clearly deals with the phobia head on and a nice way of getting the RIP in at the end.

The only problem for me was I could see where this was going a mile off. The Priest thing is really cliche and was overly used in the last OWC, maybe try a different angle than the one more often travelled?

It also seemed a bit quick him getting over this phobia. Yes, he's faced his fear head on and taken care of business, but it would seem more natural if he started to come out of his shell a bit rather than a full on Scrooge-like recovery.

But a solid entry in my opinion.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 20
Cam Gray
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Glasgow
Posts
587
Posts Per Day
0.62
Hey writer,

Now, I'm fairly certain I know who wrote this, just a couple of tells in there, but that won't cloud my judgement when it comes to marking.

In short, this one's going to be hard to beat. The writing and technical aspects, nailed, no worries there, and it reads with absolutely ease. The paranoia is real and Nathan makes a journey through it, again nailed. The RIP, some anally retentive folk may grumble that it's not dialogue, but I thought it was clever.

There's a tiny typo in there that I can't even remember now, was enjoying the read too much to take note.

Definitely gonna be a contender, unless I'm missing something major which I don't think I am.

Well done

Cam


Tommy's Millions - https://tinyurl.com/lgugbvz
Dick Jokes - http://tiny.cc/qw0cay
Mother Nature's Joke - https://tinyurl.com/mncf7am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 20
MaxRuddock
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
Red



Location
UK
Posts
21
Posts Per Day
0.02
Solid.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
JEStaats
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
539
Posts Per Day
0.72
Favorite so far. Great dialog, phobia and RIP. No newbie wrote this one. Loved the dialog between Nathan and the Doctor. Yes - very solid.

Must admit that I rolled my eyes when it came to the abusive priest. It's been way too common lately. But it worked, so no hard feelings.

Excellent work for a one week challenge.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 20
Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10215
Posts Per Day
2.61
Well written, which I really appreciate.

Page 3 "...as he adjust..." - should be "adjusts"

Page 8 "scalped" - "scalp"

The Flashback isn't properly formatted

Yeah, this is good.  Great job working within the parameters and bringing a compelling and even touching story.  It's obvious where thsi is going, but that's OK.

Only things I'd recommend would be to fix the Flashback and change the INT/EXT scenes so they read better.

Grade - ****


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 20
pale yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Jacksonville FL
Posts
2022
Posts Per Day
0.82
Like the title.

Good logline here.

Great writing on display. Great dialogue.

Good job with the psychiatrist ...sounds really like a psychiatrist would sound I think.

Love the end. Saw it coming but still love a good ending...

GREAT job. Another good one here.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 20
Warren
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1514
Posts Per Day
1.87
Hi,


Quoted Text
NATHAN (O.C.)
Okay, give it to me.


Not a massive issue, but (O.C.) is generally reserved for sitcoms. Here (O.S.) would be better suited. Everyone will know what you mean though.\

SPOILERS

Page 3 and I already know where this is going. I was told how overdone it was in the last QC so I guess it still applies now, it's overdone.

I think some of your wrylies are unnecessary.


Quoted Text
DOCTOR ANDERSON
(low voice - into
recorder)
Classic signs of Aphenphosmphobia.
NATHAN
What’s that?
DOCTOR ANDERSON
It’s the fear of being touched or
of touching.
NATHAN
I’m not afraid. I - I just hate it.
DOCTOR ANDERSON
The most common cause is sexual
abuse.


I think you are spelling a few things out that are already written into the subtext, for me this takes away from the overall piece.

Flashback in unnecessary and I think it's used to fill in space.


Quoted Text
FATHER O’NEIL (O.S.)
Nathan? Is that you?


Now I'm confused, what do you think the difference between (O.S.) and (O.C.) is?

Good character arc for Nathan and smart wordplay with the sign.

One of the better ones so far.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
khamanna
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 3:21am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator



Posts
2837
Posts Per Day
0.87
Hey,
That's a nice short, thanks for submitting.
THe progression in this is nice, the story is very well tied together. The reason to do what he did is perfect and I liked the way you arrived at it.

SPOILERS

The letters being taken down - a bit too much for me for some reason. But makes sense, since the priest used church and God as a shield to do what he did.

The priest route maybe offensive to some. And also, I suppose it's a bit of talked about, I mean beaten topic. But you were very subtle with it.

ANd I like how the doctor says he should forget and forvige - the very values that religion would impose on him. Very clever take on the challenge I have to say. Makes great sense.

Anyway, thanks for a great read.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 20
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 5:21am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Posts
2821
Posts Per Day
0.85
Oh no, not another Church/Priest abuse story.

Should be called Cliche, instead of Touche.

Anti-Christian, bigoted garbage, for me I'm afraid.

No disrespect intended to the writer. It's just far too didactic  and the overt manipulation of the stories message... Displayed by changing the written message on the Church takes the story over the line into a prejudicial and inherently illogical (the Priest was forsaking the scripture already) attack on an entire religion and not just the Priest's actions.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  October 22nd, 2017, 6:55am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 20
JakeJon
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 9:32am Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
NewJersey
Posts
167
Posts Per Day
0.24
Great Write and easy read!!  Heard it before and knew where it was going but still very well done.

  BUT  Grounds for Disqualification of the OWC?  Perhaps Anyway.

The phobia is either a fear of priests or fear of molestation?   Not being able to touch someone, is the SYMPTOM or MANIFESTATION of either of these two phobias.  (Nicely depicted I might add).
Dr. Anderson would know this.

Unintentional, I'm certain, but the incorrect phobia usage allows the writer to hide the "twist"  and/or create suspense.  If the logline indicated "priest" , no surprises.

The RIP ending was GREAT and very Nathan.

Good stuff!

JJ



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 20
stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
655
Posts Per Day
0.25
Nicely handled - from the writing to the plot.  Fairly well trodden path with revenge on the abusive priest but I like the way you wove the phobia into this - the trailer door and drive-thru were a nice touch.  The doctor’s office scene was subtle enough to inform without feeling too much like exposition and the dialogue felt natural.  A smooth read - couple of typos to pick up on a revision but otherwise I could sit back and let the story unfold.  Solid entry albeit a tad too familiar.


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 20
RJ
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Australia
Posts
284
Posts Per Day
0.12
I like how you've set the opening scenes - gives us a good, true sense of the phobia. Although, after going back and reading what phobia this was - I initially though it was germs.

I think the INT/EXT scene would have worked better as just EXT. DRIVE-THRU. You would still see and get a sense of what the scene involves. I like the basket set up - you handled that well.

For the most part I liked the story. Clean and crisp read. As others have stated - I think this might have played out better if it wasn't another priest abuse story'. I also believed in the seriousness of the phobia he was feeling until he suddenly turned up -after one doctors visit- to the church. I understand the constraints of 12 pages and feel this needed more, so it was being cramped in.

Don't get me wrong, I liked this a lot. Good job.

RJ
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
Spqr
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.02
Sorry, but I can't think of anything that would improve this story. Well done.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 20
Huidong
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
12
Posts Per Day
0.02
Good writing, decent pace. The story was a bit predictable, but I guess it's hard to make one that isn't.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2017 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006