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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Summerwind - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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  Author    Summerwind - OWC  (currently 1218 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Summerwind by Anonymous8 - Adult, Short, Horror - A Halloween prank at a famous haunted locale goes terribly wrong for a group of teens in upstate Wisconsin.   11 pages - pdf, format

Autophobia -  Fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated


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Warren
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,


Quoted Text
dressed as Maniac Cop


Is this a reference to something because I don't understand it.


Quoted Text
MOM
Stay close with her, Jake. You know
how she...


Em dash instead of an ellipse.

I generally prefer to stick to a traditional DAY or NIGHT in my scene headings, but each to their own.

Quite a few character to keep track of for a short.

Overused and incorrectly used ellipses everywhere, also if you use one put a space after it.


Quoted Text
INTERCUT CLEARING OFF HELEN CREEK ROAD AND JEEP


I cant visualize this INTERCUT at all, what am I looking at, the characters, the clearing, the Jeep?

I know they're teens but all the fucking this and fucking that gets old quickly.

Some of your action is really hard to follow, it needs to be written more clearly.

WTF!!!! Yeah, I can't comment on the story because it just seemed like a blood-filled trip.

I think the phobia element is very light on, if not non-existent.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

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RJ
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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I like the title and the idea of Summerwind, but unfortunately that is where it stops for me.

The first few pages had me wondering whether this was done by someone experienced or a newbie, but as I read on it was apparent that this was probably a newb.

You seem to have steadied yourself at first and then run away with the story to the point of nonsensical confusion.

I started to skim over the story of summerwind as the ellipses became to much - you could cut them out altogether.

Although I said the start was ok, story wise you could cut some of that out as the actual story doesn't really start to get interesting until page 6 - you need to pull your reader in before this.

I really didn't understand anything about what happened in the closet at Summerwind - almost like there was too much story and not enough pages to fit it all in or a rush to complete it on time? I also didn't understand exactly how Trinity miraculously got over her phobia - a phobia like this is usually quite severe, hers didn't strike me as so.

Hope this helps.

There is a good story there somewhere, but in its current form it's lost.

RJ
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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I was with this and thought it had potential until page 4. Then when Max and Jake start telling the whole backstory I started skimming and maybe I missed something because once they entered the mansion it goes bat shit crazy and I had no idea what's going on.

There was a hint of a phobia at the beginning but this got lost, as did the story, in the madness. Not one for me, sorry.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Feels familiar - high-schoolers, halloween, creepy place in the woods with a dark past, obligatory warning not to go there…so they go there.

Where was Officer Mike to begin with - so much for guarding Summerwind.  No donuts for you.

The set-up worked enough to pull me in but you lost me with the creepy door/closet in the basement scene.  The clarity of what was happening to whom and why from there was hard to keep track of.  I’m not sure what happened.  

It’s ambitious for a short which doesn’t leave much room to tie it all up.  I guess the evil lurking in the basement got to them; but then the plan for this so called initiation was already in place?  Was it supposed to be a prank before the evil took over?  From Max’s dialogue ‘we’ll initiate that prissy bitch’ I got the impression they were always planning to assault her.  To me it was unclear as to what actions were the characters own and what were a result of the evil lurking in the basement which doesn’t help.

Not sure what part the phobia played.  Trinity seemed more of a secondary character who, for the most part was never alone or isolated.  But she’s okay now, so it’s not all bad news.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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JEStaats
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. You lost me. Was there possession going on in the house? Or were they just hopped up on laced weed? WTF happened? Who smashed Susie's face into the floor? It wouldn't have been Max since she was about to go down on him. Geez, no idea what I just read. Sorry.

And why would the deputy want to draw on 'Sheriff Fucks' kid?

Also lost me on the Summerwind backstory. I think your auto-complete for your characters put in Jake when it should've been Jackson?

Phobia - Meh, not sure if it was too intense a fear. RIP - check.

Needs a lot of work. Kudos for entering.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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RIP on page 1.  Hope there's another one...

Hmmm, misquoted "The Raven" by EAP...intentional?

Dialogue is good...sounds very real.

"story" is slow...taking too long to get going, but I'm in for the long haul here.

I think most peeps know how much I detest the dreaded INTERCUT.  This one's almost a full page long, but for some reason, it seems to work here, with the different tellings of this place's history. Don't get me wrong - I don't like it, but I can live with it.

Page 6 - "fucking Summerwind" - Ha...nice!

Page 8 and little has happened, so I'm hoping there's some kind of payoff ahead.

OK, here it is...finally.

Damn, everyone goes batshit crazy on each other.  I like it, but seems to end  before it was quite ready to end.  Run out of pages or time?

All in all, well done, although pace is slow and ending is fast.  There are some rather memorable lines here, which I always like to see and writing is solid with no mistakes that I saw.

Grade - *** 1/2



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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realxwriter
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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On the go notes:
I thought the opening with the Mom and Girl wasn't powerful enough to deserve its place as an opening.
I loved  Baxter and Jake first exchange.
The dialogue between the teenagers is not doing it for me. Too long and it advanced the story too little.
I liked the short narration that gave us some background on Summerwind.
Right after Jake twisted his ankle, I realized that I don't care about any of the characters. And that's on you! :<
I'm a bit confused about the sequence where everyone went batshit crazy. That's on me I guess.
Oh, I like the reveal at the end. Sweet. Well done!

Overall:
I liked the concept A LOT! I can't criticize the execution because you only got one week. Probably used a lot less than that to write this. So well done on putting this together in this nick of time. Now I'm done being nice. Let me get my knife.

Characters:
You didn't make me care for the characters. Caring for the characters is extra special in horror than in any other genre. Because putting them in a dangerous situation later on will have no effect on us if you didn't make us root for them in the first place.  You also gave them no depth. You need to invest more in characters man. A story is nothing if the characters aren't rich enough.

Dialogue:
None of the dialogue sounded awkward or forced to me. You did fine there. But I wish you made the dialogue more enjoyable. But the problem with dialogues has its roots leading back to the character's problem. Interesting characters say interesting things.

Story:
The story is good and fun. However, it felt like you put most of the meat on one side of the sandwich. Meaning, you crammed the interesting parts of the story all in one sequence. There was hardly any build up. Jake twisting his ankle made me think it was a setup that will pay off later. But it didn't play any role in the last act.

Structure:
The structure is fine in form but unbalanced in content.  I can cut this into three acts. But each act didn't hold its due weight. Especially the second act. The struggle wasn't well distributed throughout the act. Everything happened in a flash. The first act should have been the one telling us about the Summerwind story. Your first act was mainly introducing characters, but hardly introducing the plot. The final act was too short. It was like a teaspoon of ice cream. It tasted sweet, but it melted away too quickly.

Style:
I like your style. Straight to the point. Descriptive and easy to read. Except for the mayhem sequence. I was a bit lost there. But that's my bad English probably getting in the way.

In conclusion,
I loved the last reveal. It made it worth the read. You are certainly not new to the game. If I'm to give you any pointers as to what to target in your next rewrite, it would be:
-- Invest in the characters.
-- Work on the pace of the struggle in the second act.
-- Improve the dialogue and make it more fun.


Best of luck.

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eldave1
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
EXT. DERIS HOUSE - AFTERNOON


Should be DERIS'

What is with all the ..... starting the dialogue?

Maniac Cop could go - not sure any PD would let their officers dress like that on duty and he would play better as a character that hates Halloween because of the unnecessary work it is going to create for him.

The Phobia thread is thin.

Just okay for me. The ending struck me as chaos for the sake of chaos.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DanC
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was pretty good as a story, but, not as a OWC.

No phobia to speak of played any role in the story.

And what happened in the basement was so hard to follow that I read it twice and was still lost.

So, as a story, it was good.  As a OWC, it wasn't.

Oh, and I don't know how much you know of classic horror movies, but, this one has been done a bunch of times.  If you're gonna tackle such a common story trope, make it unique.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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pale yellow
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Like your title and title page.

Good logline I think.

I was enjoying the dialogue and found it very natural but I super hate backstory fed thru dialogue. I guess you had to get it in there some how. I often leave people confused because I leave out backstory sometimes... so it is hard I guess.. .maybe if you could tone it down or leave a little to mystery.

Some of your action descriptions once they are in the house leave me confused or having to reread them. Also having that many characters in there is a bit too much I think.

I do not see a phobia really. I mean her mom talks about it or hints at it in the beginning but it does not play out as much as I would've liked.

I find myself asking questions at the end. Was that whole thing in Summerwind a flashback or a memory or was it real? It got real chaotic for me in the Summerwind scenes.

Good job.


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JakeJon
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Lots of comments and advice above.  Going in all directions.  Positive and Negative.  I have to stay out of this one.  Sorry nothing I can add is going to be helpful.

Didn't understand enough what was going on or how it related to fear of being egotistical or being alone.

I came out a little unsettled, so that's good I guess.

All the best,

JJ

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Cam Gray
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Okay, not for me I'm afraid.

It's very hard to keep tabs on what is actually happening, and I think the descriptions need to be really worked on as I just couldn't get a clear visual as to what was going on. The writing in the first half, just take a couple of reads yourself and there's some repetitions in there that make it scan funny.

The plot was pretty brutal, not to my taste at all, and I couldn't really find the phobia in significant parts to allow me to believe that it's a central theme.

I think you're probably a writer who knows their stuff, but possibly this was a rush job. Maybe tighten it up and give it another go for the horror fans on the site.

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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khamanna
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, writer.

Another Halloween entry! Good.

You started out strong.

But then you started introducing characters.  Lots of characters. Do you really need that many?
Jake is sheriffs son - do you really need that bit. Yeah, you'll tell me you do and explain why, but I don't think so.
The phobia is there, looks like it plays part in the script as she's scared to be alone. But I don't understand what it is exactly and how it affects anything that happens to her.
The thing/things that happen to them... I must be honest you got me skimming there.
It's everything everywhere.
Then it ends strong.
So good start, good finish. And a lot going in the middle - it could use quite a bit of trimming.

Thanks for entering.
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one. Good build up in the start and I liked the whole backstory about the Summer Wind mansion, makes the place seem a bit creepier after they get inside ... and knowing all that happened in the basement.

It's only when they are at the mansion that some problems happen. I'm not really sure what was going on in there,
I'm assuming they are being possessed? Goes from a simply trespassing to a blood bath fairly quickly.

Why did Hayes all of a sudden start booking it into the room?

This is a good, gory story. Glad you chose to have some survivors rather than just kill everyone off in the house.


Good work.
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