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I agree Warren on the wrylies - drop them. Nobody uses them anymore as an actor doesn't want to be told how to act. Also drop the beats - no longer of use, definite newbie trait.
By page 4 the conversation between Sam and Jack is starting to drag on without action. It's also starting get a tad expositional - Sam is acting like he knows about Jack (this works ok) then asking him all sorts of questions about things he already should know and definitely in the wrong place/time (doesn't work as well).
I liked the use of RIP - thought it worked in well.
Halfway through I didn't know whether I was going to like this or not, but I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't love it, but did like it. I liked the twist with the reflection - it was a nice subtle horror plot that I guess is left to open interpretation.
The end needs to be FADE OUT on the bottom right hand side, not CUT TO:.
Right then, fear of one's reflection, get that every morning, then lunchtime, then evening...
The story. I take issue with Warren's assessment of originality, I can't think of anything off the top of my head of serious note that this has scalped off (Mirrors, never heard of it, so you can't really be blamed for sharing a creative idea that some poorly known B movie has run with).
It had moments of comedy buildup, which was nice (Fastshow reference there, which was nice), followed by a right creepy bit, followed by a nice creepy ending. Nice.
The descriptions were vivid, the pace kinda plodded, but given the length of the script this didn't hurt it. It was well written and IMO correctly formatted overall. We can quibble about contd's and the rest till the cows come home, but it's still a recognised trait and if the idea stands up then I'm not sure why you'd bother criticising them. The lack of Fade Out, however, that's an issue that needs resolved.
Overall, I'm gonna buck the apparent trend and say this is one of my favourites thus far. Short, simple, tidy and a good read.
Pretty good. I wasn't sold till Sam walked out on him. That was a great touch and really ratcheted up the tension. I found the rest very predictable, but I have no idea what else you could do in so little space. It works for a short.
This is one of my favs so far too. Good creep factor in the bathroom. You could add a subtle description of Jack (IDK, mole on right cheek?) and when he comes out, it's on his left? Or logo backwards on the shirt? Just babbling now, good stuff.
Phobia - Check, and RIP - check. Good work. Give it a rev or two after this is over and see what you come up with.
As others said, don't direct actors when it comes to exactly how the lines need to delivered. Also, don't use "a beat," it's a lazy way to tell the actors that there should be a moment of pause. If you want a pause, write out something a bit more creative.
Regarding the story, I like the idea of one's reflection taking over a person's body. The dialogue was true to life in most aspects, so good job overall.
If you're going to use "beat" to show time passing, you most definitely want it on its own line...so time (and space on the page) does pass.
I'm not liking the writing on display here. hard to say why, but it's just not working for me.
2nd Slug is incorrect - always start from the bigger or main thing, then pare down from there.
Dialogue just not working for me at all. Jack is 21 years old, yet ti seems like this is a problem all of a sudden, with nothing recently occurring that could have brought it on.
Too many beats and not properly used.
"URINAL"? I thought he was in a stall?
Now it's a WASHROOM? It was a bathroom before.
OK, I read the whole thing, but this doesn't feel like a self contained story or script...merely a scene from a bigger piece. It seems to "mirror" the Kiefer Sutherland flick, "Mirrors", which was rather weak.
Writing is not good throughout. Way too many beats, way too many wrylies, poor pacing, poor dialogue, nonsensical actions.
Grade - **
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
I assume you mean he opens the door but doesn't move ... sounds odd saying he stops when he wasn't or didn't seem to be moving before.
"Once he finishes up, he starts towards the sink"
Another nitpick, just say he moves, but perhaps with a better word.
I actually liked this, good little horror story. I would like to see the Jack/mirror scene extended out a bit more than that, it was somewhat predictable that his reflection would eventually exit the mirror but I like the touch you put on it in the end.
Can't imagine how awkward it would be to have to walk another guy to the bathroom, felt for Sam right of the get go.
Also liked the way you did the RIP too.
I'm not all too bothered with the wrylies, I mean you can always cut them an add in the action that the characters are talking in hushed tones if you really wanted too.
My two cents, which are worth absolutely nothing in this joint:
1. Rather than use the wrylies three times, just add an action line that says basically they speak in hushed tones. 2. Too much back and forth dialogue in the beginning slows the pace. It's tedious. 3. Was not interested until they actually got in the bathroom and that's almost 4 pages in. Try to get him in there sooner, preferably by cutting some of the dialogue. 4. An interesting concept once you got to it, but then it was over so quickly the climax seemed short-changed.
I give it 3 out of 5 pumpkins.
Good luck, Gary
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The title is a mouthful to read. But I do love that phobia and I love your logline.
Ok good snappy back and forth dialogue along the way. I do think it goes on just a tad too long. But it reads and sounds very natural.
OMG LOVE the mirror delay thing. GREAT work.
The end didn't do it for me. Instead of him getting over his fear... I would have loved to seen him see just the tables in the door reflection and as he smiles...the dopple him walks into frame behind him. Leaving it open ended.
I enjoyed reading this. If it's based on another film then that's a pity but I haven't seen it.
I liked how the phobia was properly explored. The dialogue as he talked about his reflection was creepy as hell, it really setup the encounter in the restroom.
However it need something more. Once his reflection started moving differently it lost some of its atmosphere. I don't think you needed to show anything more than his reflection and some subtle hints that something was wrong. Then at the end it would have been cool to briefly see the original guy trapped in the glass.
Nicely written, nice way of presenting the phobia. A good effort.
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